


Gasoline

by unholyseraphs (oncharredwings)



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Arguing, BRIEF PYNCH, Car Accidents, Cigarettes, Depression, Drugs, Emotional Manipulation, F/M, Fighting, Guilt, Guns, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Manic Depressive Disorder, Minor Character Death, Normal AU, Partying, Self Harm, Self-Hatred, Smoking, Stealing, Unhealthy Relationships, Violence, anger issues, bottom!Kavinsky, kavinsky has BPD, shop lifting, so there is brief Ronan/Adam, there is a small section of Ronan/Adam but I didn't want to tag it as such
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-27
Updated: 2016-10-03
Packaged: 2018-08-11 10:17:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 41,355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7887307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oncharredwings/pseuds/unholyseraphs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ronan Lynch has always been a bit bad, but when he falls into Joseph Kavinsky's grasp, he becomes someone else entirely.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first TRC fic, so please, go easy on me. 
> 
> I love Rovinsky and Kavinsky in particular, so if you came to hate on him, please don't. He's my son and i love him. 
> 
> Gansey was really hard for me to write, but I"m working on getting better! 
> 
> Lastly, please read the tags. Please, I can't stress that enough. Read them.
> 
>  **Thank you to my beta's** : Katy and Ezra. They're both fantastic.

He’d made it clear that he had no interest in lame-ass frat parties without enough alcohol, but Gansey had dragged him along anyway. The members were all prissy, white boys from rich families, and they were a stark reminder of Aglionby. He was glad Aglionby was over and he’d finally been able to move on with his life. Not that he’d upgraded much; going to an Ivy League on the East Coast wasn’t much of a difference from Aglionby, Ronan had realized too late, except for the co-ed factor.

 

And the dorms.

 

He actually liked the dorms, but Gansey had  _ insisted _ they live off campus, and even though freshmen weren’t allowed to live off campus, they’d found a renovated firehouse and moved in. It was no surprise that they’d obtained special permission. Ronan had a feeling it had to do with Gansey being  _ Gansey _ , and them living within walking distance.

 

Parrish, however, had elected to live in the dorms. He was on a full ride, which was impressive in Ronan’s opinion. Not that Adam could know he thought such a thing. He kept that to himself, even when he stayed up all night in Adam’s dorm with him, bouncing rubber balls off ceilings, while Adam studied. He did it to feel normal, like a real college student, and not a fake.

 

He was a fucking fake.

 

“This party is lame, I’m leaving,” Ronan announced to Gansey as he grabbed his coat to leave. He hoped Gansey wouldn’t follow, alone time was needed to wash the stench of the overly rich, haughty boys they’d spent their evening with.

 

“You’re leaving?” Gansey asked in disbelief.

 

“Yeah.” Ronan pulled his leather jacket on and walked out the front door. Gansey called after, but he ignored him. He ignored the following texts and voicemails, too.

 

It was early in the evening, barely ten o’clock, and the sidewalk was mostly empty, save for a few couples walking and giggling together. Ronan rolled his eyes at the sight of the lovey-dovey behavior, it made him sick to his stomach. Romance was not his strong point or an interest. The only romance he continuously had was the one he had with racing cars.

 

Gansey forbid him to drag race while in university.

 

Of course, Gansey had forbid drag racing while at Aglionby as well. That had not stopped him. The only thing stopping him now was the lack of a formidable opponent.

 

Ronan’s mind flicked to Kavinsky immediately. Joseph Kavinsky, the true asshole of Aglionby (he even gave  _ Ronan _ a run for his money), had been the best and worst thing in Ronan’s life. A piece of shit on the surface, but a decent racer. Their races had been legendary, and God, Ronan missed that fucking Mitsubishi. The white sunglasses.

 

Ronan shook his head as he headed toward a promising lawn that was already full of students. Another party was going on, and from the looks of it, this was a  _ real _ party, one with shitty alcohol, shittier music, and maybe a few punches thrown in for fun. The smirk didn’t leave Ronan’s face as he walked up to the front door and let himself in, uncaring if he wasn’t invited.

 

The living room smelled of weed and beer, and the air was hazy with smoke. He’d probably end up with a contact high, but that wasn’t a big deal. He’d had worse before. There were several couples on couches, chairs, and other solid surfaces making out, their faces practically inseparable, save for the few moments to breathe. The walls throbbed with the music that was pulsing throughout the house; it was something modern, but not techno.

 

The party needed better music.

 

A couple of girls passing him cast pretty smiles and finger waves as they giggled. Out of habit, Ronan nodded to them, but he continued to shove his way through the throng of bodies. It was, at times, like walking into a wall, but with a few shoves, he managed to find the source of the alcohol. A keg, complete with Red SOLO cups. Ronan took two, since one wasn’t going to be enough.

 

Downing the first cup, Ronan dropped it in the trashcan that was nearby and went to find a place to stand and observe. He’d never been one for group socialization. The only people he knew how to socialize with were his friends from Aglionby. Hell, Noah was better at socialization than him, and Noah was a fucking introverted geek.

 

“You new?” came a girl’s voice, making him glance over. She was short and her hair was a wild mess. “I don’t recognize you.”

 

“I don’t recognize you either, who gives a fuck?” he spat, unable to keep up a friendly guise now that Gansey wasn’t there to babysit him.

 

Her eyes narrowed as if he’d honestly offended her, but he supposed, he probably had. Not many people knew he was just being  _ Ronan Lynch _ . “Well,  _ sorry _ , just trying to make conversation. My friends abandoned me.”

 

“You go here?” Ronan asked then, unable to keep the surprise out of his voice. Her clothes reminded him of Adam and dusty thrift stores in late August afternoons.

 

“No,” she said acidly. “I live nearby. I always come by the parties though. I’m Blue. Blue Sargent.”

 

“Blue?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Like the color?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Your parents hate you?”

 

“Your parents drop you on your head as a baby?”

 

Ronan shrugged. “Probably.”

 

Blue blinked, clearly unable to keep up with him, which wasn’t a surprise. Even Gansey had trouble keeping up with him sometimes. “Well, sorry. I’m just gonna go now.”

 

“Wait.” Ronan reached over and plucked the cup out of her hands, it was still completely full. “Since you probably won’t drink it anyway, will you?”

 

Blue rolled her eyes. “I never got your name.”

 

“Name’s-.”

 

“ _ Lynch _ . Long time no see.”

 

Ronan slowly turned around as his eyes fell on someone he hadn’t seen since they’d left Henrietta. “Kavinsky,” he hissed in immediate annoyance, even though his heart was fluttering in his chest suddenly, as if Kavinsky had managed to plug him back in. “The fuck you doing here? There’s no way they let you in.”

 

Kavinsky’s nasty grin slid across his face, his perfectly white teeth somehow unsettling. He was wearing his fucking white sunglasses inside and the white tank top that he was always wearing was overly pristine. “Not only did they let me in, Lynch, but they gave me a  _ scholarship _ . They give you one?”

 

“No they didn’t,” Ronan growled. “You’re a fucking liar.”

 

“I can prove it to you,” Kavinsky continued. “Come by my place later and I’ll show you.”

 

“I’m not going anywhere with you.” Ronan angrily turned to face Blue again. “I’m Ronan,” he finished, even as she stared at Kavinsky with clear distaste. “He’s an asshole, ignore him.”

 

“Kettle,” Kavinsky snapped as he gave Ronan a shove, hard enough to make the beer in his hand spill over and onto Blue. “ _ Oops _ .”

 

Habit made Ronan set the cup down and before he could think, he’d swung around, and his fist connected with the side of Kavinsky’s face. The sunglasses flew off and into the crowd. The crowd quickly began to jump in and egg them on, but Blue reached out and grabbed onto his coat.

 

“Don’t!” she said, even as Gansey’s voice cut through the music, bringing Ronan back to reality.

 

“Ronan Lynch, that’s enough.” Gansey appeared then, like a knight in fine armor, with his overly expensive sweater, and even more expensive designer jeans. “The fuck is Kavinsky doing here?”

 

“Said he got a scholarship,” Ronan growled as Kavinsky rubbed the side of his face where he’d given him a successful shriner. “Sounds like a load of piss to me.”

 

“Piss on  _ this- _ ,” Kavinsky said as he tried to launch himself at Ronan, but someone else held him back. “Get off me!”

 

“Piss off, Kavinsky,” Gansey snapped as he approached Ronan and Blue. “C’mon, Ronan, let’s go.” He turned his eyes to Blue, probably just realizing she was standing there. “Who are you?”

 

“I’m Blue.”

 

“Oh.” Gansey looked her over and immediately dismissed her, Ronan could see it in his eyes. “Ro, let’s go.”

 

“I’m not ready to go,” Ronan snarled, his hands still clenched into fists.

 

“Well, I am, and it’s late. Besides, if we don’t go now, we’ll just catch something off of Kavinsky, and no one wants whatever STI he has today.” Gansey grabbed Ronan’s coat collar and began to march him out the door.

 

Ronan tried to glance back at Blue as they went, but he only managed to get a glance of her being blocked by a pissed off Kavinsky. Ronan knew it wasn’t over, not even a little.

 

* * *

 

 

“Were you with a girl?”

 

Ronan glanced slowly over at the clock. It was four in the afternoon on the Sunday after the party, which had been two nights prior. This was a new record for Gansey. “When?” he asked, his voice flat, as he flipped the page of a car magazine. 

 

“At the party, were you with a girl?” Gansey asked again as he looked up over his glasses from across the room. They were sitting together and ignoring one another, mostly, while Ronan read the car magazine, and Gansey read something in a dead language. 

 

“I was standing next to a girl, does that count?” he asked, refocusing on the pictures. 

 

“Who was she?” 

 

Ronan snorted as he reminded himself this was just Gansey being Gansey. “Don’t know. Her name was a color… Blue, I think.” 

 

Ronan knew her name, he’d memorized it that night, but Gansey couldn’t know he’d actually given a damn about the random girl he’d done his best to keep from being abused by Kavinsky. God, those stupid sunglasses. Why had he worn them into the party? He was such a fucking tool. 

 

“Ronan!” 

 

Ronan flicked his eyes up to Gansey, who was still talking, probably about Blue. “What?” 

 

“Does she go here?” 

 

“You got a crush on her, Dick?” 

 

Gansey bristled and allowed his eyes to narrow, but he had to shove his glasses back up his nose, so the look was not intimidating whatsoever. “No! I just wanted to know what she was doing at a Yale party.” 

 

“Despite what you think, Gansey, I don’t know everything.” Ronan returned to his magazine, but the next page was a fucking Mitsubishi ad.  _ Goddamn it _ . He angrily flipped the page and tried to push Kavinsky out of his mind, but the son of a bitch was always  _ there _ , populating his thoughts. Ever since that night, he hadn’t been able to let it go. 

 

The itch was returning. The urge and need to  _ race _ . Surely, Kavinsky would go a few rounds, and he could kick his ass and put the bitch in his place.

 

“I wonder if she knows Adam,” Gansey commented offhand, which brought Ronan out of his thoughts. 

 

“Why would she know Adam? Because she looked poor? Jesus, Gansey.” Sometimes, Ronan wondered why  _ he _ was the one labeled as asshole by the general public. 

 

“What? It was an innocent question!” Gansey set his book aside and took the glasses off, rubbing the space between his eyes. It was a sign of a headache. “I need to go lie down,  _ don’t _ throw a party while I’m asleep.” 

 

Ronan gave him a half assed salute. “Yes, Sir.” 

 

They exchanged eye rolls and then Ronan listened for Gansey’s door to click shut. The only sounds in the apartment were footsteps and Ronan’s breathing; he paused between breaths to strain his ears for the click. 

 

_ Click _ . 

 

He practically dived off of the couch to pick up the phone sitting on the coffee table in front of him. Ronan pulled up his contacts and clicked on Kavinsky’s name. Hopefully, the bastard hadn’t changed his number. 

 

_ See you in the streets.  _

 

There was a pause, where Ronan bit his lip, staring at the screen as a little reply bubble popped up. 

 

_ \--when, Lynch?  _

 

Ronan’s smile cut like a knife. 

 

_ Now.  _

 

* * *

 

 

There was no benevolent design in the look of Kavinsky’s car. It was sleek, white, and mean just like the son of a bitch that drove it. The black knife decal on the side hadn’t changed and neither had Kavinsky’s vanity plate:  _ THIEF _ . No one could deny that Kavinsky didn’t advertise his bad behavior. 

 

Ronan pulled up beside the Mitsubishi, where they were meeting at an off campus place he’d allowed Kavinsky to name. It was a stretch of road that was basically just dirt and and grass, which would add for a more interesting race. They usually raced on pavement, but this wasn’t Henrietta, and neither of them were God. 

 

Kavinsky rolled down his window slowly and cast him a nasty, viper grin, which Ronan matched tooth to tooth. “You’re dead, Lynch.” 

 

“Fuck off, Kavinsky.” Ronan revved his engine, which was quickly copied by Kavinsky. One of Kavinsky’s rat pack stood off to the side with a t-shirt that was meant to be a flag. The car thrummed beneath Ronan, purring and trembling with anticipation. The steering wheel felt alive under his fingers and the thrill of the race was already settling in. It was worse than the drugs Kavinsky brought to every party he showed up at. 

 

This was better than cocaine. This made him fly high and stay there for days. 

 

The t-shirt snapped in the air and they both shot off like bullets. For a moment, Kavinsky’s car managed to pull ahead, but Ronan had always been better at shifting fast, which quickly put them nose to nose. The ground wasn’t as smooth as the asphalt they were used to, which made the steering wheel feel too light under his hands, as if he was barely in control. From the way the Mitsubishi kept swerving in the wrong direction, Kavinsky was also having trouble steering. 

 

The finish line was where another of Kavinsky’s cronies stood with another shirt. They weren’t far now, but Ronan could feel the BMW attempting to get away from him. It wanted to go right into Kavinsky's car, and he could see the Mitsubishi trying to get further away, but it wasn’t something done on purpose. They were both going to slide off in the wrong direction if they didn’t slow down or gain traction. 

 

If he wrecked Kavinsky’s car, Ronan knew he’d be a dead man, and then the fun would be over. If he sent Kavinsky to the hospital… 

 

Ronan pulled back and allowed Kavinsky to slide over the finish line before the car began to fishtail as they both struggled to slow down to a stop. The dirt and gravel were too slick beneath their too-hot tires. Ronan clenched his jaw as the BMW finally coasted to a stop near Kavinsky’s car, where he was climbing out and flipping him the bird. Either he was celebrating or he was pissed Ronan had threw the race. Probably both. 

 

“Pussy,” Kavinsky snapped as soon as Ronan climbed out of the car. “You quit on purpose.” 

 

“I almost hit your car, you fucktruck,” Ronan snarled as he came to stand near Kavinsky, but not close enough to touch him. He still had a black bruise along the side of his face, but it was quickly fading to green and yellow. “Could have sent you off into the trees.” 

 

Kavinsky laughed then, a cruel, barking laugh. It was disturbing. “ _ Concerned _ for me, Lynch? You in love with me now?” 

 

Ronan felt his face burn, but he clenched his jaw and fists, trying to pretend the blush was from anger. “Fuck off,” he growled. 

 

“You  _ are _ , how cute, Lynch, but you’re not my type.” Kavinsky laughed again and began to head toward his car. “Next time, I’ll find a place we can race in the real street. Then, I can kick your ass, fair and square.” 

 

Ronan watched him climb into the Mitsubishi and begin to do a U turn to pull away. As he passed, he opened the window enough to drop something on the ground, before heading back to the main road. Frowning, Ronan crouched down to pick up whatever Kavinsky had left for him. It was a piece of paper with an address on it. 

  
  


_ 1244 Capers Ave.  _

_ Party tonight.  _

 

Ronan crumpled the note up and shoved it into his pocket with the intention of throwing it away, but by the time he arrived back at the apartment, he’d already made up his mind. He was going. 

 

* * *

 

 

“Where you off to at this hour?” Gansey asked while he stood in Ronan’s doorway. “Another party?” 

 

Ronan shrugged as he pulled on his leather jacket and fixed the collar. “Somewhere.” 

 

Gansey’s frown pinched his perfect eyebrows together and his eyes reflected the worry he felt. “Ronan,  _ where _ ? If it’s somewhere fancy, I need to change my shoes.” 

 

“It’s not your kind of party,” Ronan replied as he tried not to think on the debauchery that would take place at a party Kavinsky threw. He’d only been to one of Kavinsky’s parties in high school, and they’d been a true phenomenon. A class of their own, and he had a feeling this one would be even better. 

 

“How do you know it’s not my kind of party?” Gansey demanded. “I’m going with you.” 

 

Ronan clenched his jaw and tried not to snap at Gansey, since he was just feeling left out. They were a pair, after all, practically joined at the hip. Wherever he went, Gansey went, and wherever Gansey went, Ronan followed him around like a lost puppy. The realization that he was, indeed, Gansey’s lapdog was a new unpleasant one. 

 

“You should stay home,” Ronan insisted as he pushed passed Gansey and began to head for the front door. 

 

“I’m  _ going _ .” Gansey stomped after him, throwing on his shoes as he followed. “Where is the party?” 

 

“Capers Avenue,” Ronan replied tightly. 

 

“Who’s throwing the party?” 

 

Ronan was tempted to not tell Gansey, but he didn’t lie. “Kavinsky.” 

 

Gansey gave pause as he reached for his jacket. “Kavinsky? Seriously?” 

 

Ronan nodded. “You coming?” 

 

Another pause, but Gansey eventually nodded and they headed outside to the car. The Pig greeted them with a growling engine and a rattling floorboard. Ronan had to admit that showing up in the Pig would be just like old times. Kavinsky would call it a piece of shit, Ronan would do his best not to walk up to the son of a bitch and punch him in the face.

 

Yes, just like old times. 

 

1244 Capers Avenue stood apart from the rest of the houses on the street, up on a cliff above the beach below. There were cars parked all over the lawn and near the overhang that lead down to the beach. A great bonfire burned tall and strong in the night, lighting everything up that was going on down below. Gansey parked the Pig near the street, just in case they needed to take off in a hurry, and they walked up to the overhang to look everything over. 

 

There were so many people, already, and the party had just started. Ronan’s eyes peeled over the cars, however, to try and find the Mitsubishi, but it wasn’t there. Kavinsky always showed up late to his own parties, in some type of grandeur way. Gansey thought it made him a bigger ass, but it put Ronan on edge. 

 

Gansey led the way down the sand and rocks to the beach, where there was music booming around out of a stereo system, hooked up by extension cords. Students and teens from all over the county showed up to get drunk on cheap beer and take hits of the weed being passed around. The good stuff hadn’t been passed out yet, but Ronan was sure once Kavinsky showed up, the drugs would too. 

 

“You know, Ronan, you’re right,” Gansey said, his voice full to the brim with distaste. “This is not my type of party, but it’s not your type of party either.

 

“How do you know?” Ronan asked as he grabbed a cup filled with beer as they passed a kid with a tray of them. “ _ This _ could be my scene.” 

 

“But it’s not-.” Gansey cut off and focused on something behind Ronan, but Ronan didn’t have to turn around to know who it was. “Kavinsky,” he said, his voice flat. 

 

“ _ Dick _ ,” Kavinsky purred as he slung an unwanted arm around Ronan’s shoulders. “I see you brought your master, Lynch. I didn’t realize fags, like you ladies, liked to party this hard. Didn’t think you’d show.” 

 

Ronan’s jaw set and Gansey shook his head slightly. It was barely enough to keep him civil and to keep his blood from boiling over. “What, no grand entrance tonight, Kavinsky?” Ronan spat. “Just a plebeian like the rest of us?” 

 

“Well, I mean while  _ Dick Gansey III _ looks on, I suppose we’re  _ all _ plebs. Especially you, Lynch. You’re the biggest pleb of them all!” Kavinsky broke out into a fit of laughter as he produced a bottle of pills. “Want one, Dick? It’ll loosen up the g-string you have shoved up your ass.”

 

“No, thank you,” Gansey said sweetly with a fake smile plastered on, still doing his best to be polite. Ronan was fairly impressed, Gansey  _ and _ Kavinsky were in fine form tonight. 

 

“Lynch?” Kavinsky popped the bottle cap and poured two out into his offered palm. “It’ll make you feel  _ real _ good.” 

 

Ronan stared at the pills, but he rolled his eyes and turned away. “Fuck off, Kavinsky.” 

 

“Hey,  _ you _ came to  _ my _ party, if anyone can fuck off, it’s  _ you _ .” 

 

“Come on, Ronan, let’s just go,” Gansey insisted, as he started to head back toward the Pig. 

 

Ronan watched Gansey head for the incline, but he could feel Kavinsky’s eyes on him. If he went with Gansey, he would regret it, but if he stayed, he knew he’d also regret  _ that _ , but for different reasons. His heartbeat thrummed steadily in his chest, making him aware of his deep breathing. Staying calm was difficult when all he wanted to do was give Kavinsky a roundhouse kick to the head, but he knew he couldn’t. Hurting Kavinsky was difficult, unless he did something really stupid, like insult Matthew. 

 

“Ronan!” Gansey called and it was only then Ronan realized he hadn’t moved. Kavinsky was grinning from ear to ear and, once again, he slid an arm across Ronan’s shoulders. 

 

“The dog doesn’t want to go with you, Dick! He’s staying where the fun is!” Kavinsky laughed cruelly as he started to force Ronan to walk away. “C’mon, Lynch, you can sit by me. Everyone will be jealous.” 

 

Ronan allowed Kavinsky to walk him away, heading over to the fire and where there were logs to be sat on. For the second time in a few days, he ignored Gansey’s call, and answered the one in his heart. This was where he belonged. 


	2. Chapter 2

It wasn’t like Gansey to show up at his dorm breathless. Hell, it wasn’t like Gansey to show up at his dorm at all. If Gansey wanted to see him, he always called, and they always met somewhere. But, there he stood, looking frustrated. 

 

“You okay?” Adam asked as he stepped aside to let Gansey inside. The room was small, with one bed, a set of drawers, and a desk. The room was crammed with what little stuff Adam possessed, and a bunch of books he’d inherited from Gansey’s friend, Malory. 

 

“It’s Ronan,” Gansey said as he began to pace the short length of the room. “He’s with  _ Kavinsky _ .” 

 

“Kavinsky’s here?” Adam asked in surprise. Since when did Kavinsky go to their school? “I didn’t think he got in.” 

 

“Apparently,” Gansey growled in annoyance. “I want to  _ kill _ him. He’s going to get Ronan in trouble or worse!” 

 

“They hate each other, why is Ronan hanging out with him?” It wasn’t like Ronan to voluntarily hang out with Kavinsky, but ever since they’d moved from Henrietta, something in Ronan had changed. He was wilder, more independent, and less dependent on Gansey, which was probably the real problem. Gansey didn’t like the idea of Ronan living a life without him. 

 

“I don’t  _ know _ ,” Gansey lamented as he finally sat down heavily on the edge of Adam’s unmade bed. He squished around for a moment and then glanced down at the mattress in surprise. “This is comfortable,” he stated, unable to hide the shock from his voice. 

 

“Yes,” Adam said slowly in agreement. “It is.” 

 

“I never expected it to be comfortable.” 

 

Adam rolled his eyes and slowly turned back to his homework. “You can stay here if you’re lonely-.” 

 

“I’m not  _ lonely _ ,” Gansey snapped. Obviously, he was in fact, lonely. 

 

“Well, you’re welcome to stay here, regardless.” 

 

There was a groan on the bed and when Adam glanced back, Gansey had laid back and stretched out, his feet hanging off the edge. “What does Kavinsky have on Ronan? It’s like he cast a spell on him at Aglionby and it hasn’t let go. I figured we were  _ through _ with that… asshole, but apparently  _ not _ .” 

 

“Kavinsky and Ronan have a lot in common.” Adam hated to admit it, but they were basically the opposites on the same coin; one of them was dark and the other darker, but they were almost the same. “I mean, Ronan isn’t exactly going to win a Nobel Prize for being a good person.” 

 

“He isn’t Kavinsky,” Gansey growled in his friend’s defense. 

 

“I  _ know _ , but he admits he’s an asshole, so, I’m not sure why you’re surprised that assholes tend to run in packs.” Adam stuck his tongue out as he focused on the math problem for number nine on his Advanced Calculus homework. Why he’d decided to take a senior class at freshman level was beyond his current understanding. Seriously, why had he done something so damn  _ stupid _ ? 

 

“Ronan isn’t like Kavinsky,” Gansey whispered, more to himself than to Adam. It sounded like a mantra; a reminder that his friend wasn’t turning into a monster. “Maybe I should set him up with someone.” 

 

That made Adam pause and halfway turn around. “What do you mean? Like on a  _ date _ ?” He couldn’t help but scoff and snort. “Ronan on a date? Are you serious? Are you implying that Kavinsky is Ronan’s date?” 

 

Gansey sat up straight like a shot. “Hell no! Ronan’s not gay and Kavinsky isn’t  _ with _ him! I just think if Ronan had someone else to distract him, he won’t hang out with that piece of shit.”  

 

It wasn’t like Gansey to curse, which was how Adam knew he was very serious. “Well, if you think you can find a girl who would tolerate Ronan, then by all means, go for it… but good luck with finding someone.” 

 

Gansey sighed and fell back on the bed again. “Yeah,” he whispered. “You're right.” 

 

Adam didn’t have to say anything in order to make his agreement known. Spinning back around, he returned to question nine. 

 


	3. Chapter 3

“Let’s party, bitch!” Kavinsky yelled at the top of his lungs as soon as Gansey was gone and they were headed for the bonfire together. He smelled like herbs and some type of cologne that probably cost too much money. Ronan smirked to himself; he’d always presumed Kavinsky as an Axe kind of douche, but apparently he had  _ some _ class. 

 

The crowd whooped and screamed at one another, sharing pills, and other questionable substances. Kavinsky walked him over to a seat and shoved him down, quickly joining him. They sat uncomfortably close, so close, he could feel Kavinsky’s breathing and feel how much body heat he was emanating. 

 

“C’mon, Lynch, don’t be a lame ass.” 

 

Ronan glanced at the pill Kavinsky was, once again, offering him. It was a long, green oblong. He didn’t trust it, but he allowed Kavinsky to drop it into his palm. “What is it?” he asked. 

 

Kavinsky’s face split into a smile that reminded Ronan of wolves ready to pounce. “It’ll make you  _ fly _ ,” he said with a wild-eyed look. “Or it’ll kill you, but death is a boring side effect.” 

 

Ronan clenched his fingers over the pill, still untrusting. He’d never done drugs, the only drug he chose was alcohol, and even  _ that _ he was attempting to give up. Mostly for himself, but for Gansey, too. “No, thanks,” he said, passing the pill back over. Kavinsky’s palm was clammy and Ronan could see his pupils were so large, he had no irises. 

 

“You’re dragging me down, Lynch,” Kavinsky snapped as he stared down at the rejected pill. “They’ll make you feel great, better than you have your entire life.” 

 

Ronan shook his head. “I don’t do drugs, Kavinsky. Never have.” 

 

“But you  _ want _ to,” Kavinsky said with a slowly, widening grin. “I see it in your face. But it’s fucking  _ Dick Gansey _ keeping you from doing anything fun or decent. C’mon, Lynch,  _ fuck him _ and do what you  _ want _ to do.” 

 

The problem with Kavinsky’s statement boiled down to Ronan not knowing what he wanted to do. He tended to live in the moment, going with the flow of things, unless the flow didn’t go his or Gansey’s way. Mostly Gansey’s, Ronan realized as he slowly plucked the pill off of Kavinsky’s palm and stared at it between two fingers. The smile on Kavinsky’s face looked so  _ real _ , as if he’d never really smiled before in his life. 

 

“C’mon, Lynch, don’t be his dog. Be yourself. Be who you were  _ born _ to be, man!” 

 

Glancing over at Kavinsky once, Ronan dropped the pill into his mouth, and swallowed before he could think twice. The joy on Kavinsky’s face was so damn real that Ronan felt as if he’d accomplished something important. The effects of the pill, however, were almost immediate and he was beginning to slide off of the log they were sitting on. Arms wrapped around his waist to keep him from falling, but his head was lolling backward and forward, until he was being placed on the sand face up. The sky was so far away and the stars were bright, or maybe those were the fire’s embers flickering and flinging off into the night sky. 

 

Kavinsky’s laugh was in his ear as he collapsed down beside him, also staring up at the sky. The world felt far away and the air was too hot. Then it was cold and then it was colder. He was shaking. 

 

“Lynch?” Kavinsky asked, suddenly sitting up. “Shit.” 

 

The world just kept feeling further and further away until he was stepping right out of his body. Perhaps, this was what death felt like. Kavinsky was cursing and there were other people coming over to look at them. Ronan had a moment where he was certain he could see his body convulsing on the ground. Death was ugly and it was coming fast. 

 

“Lynch!” 

 

* * *

 

“Gansey. Gansey! Gansey!” 

 

His body was being violently shaken by someone insistently, and it took Gansey a moment to realize he was still lying on Adam’s bed. He’d fallen asleep in Adam’s dorm, but he had no idea what time it was currently. “Adam?” he asked as he sat up and rubbed his eyes. “What time is it?” 

 

“Late. We have to go to the emergency room,” Adam said in a hurry. 

 

“What? Why?” 

 

“That was Noah, Ronan’s in the ER.” Adam was pulling on beat up sneakers and grabbing a quick zip up hoodie to throw on over his t-shirt. “Gansey, let’s  _ go _ .” 

 

Ronan. Emergency room. 

 

_ Kavinsky _ . 

 

Ronan.  _ Emergency room _ . 

 

“Gansey, let’s  _ go _ !” Adam called, which was enough to snap Gansey into motion. He crossed the room and picked up the keys where he’d left them by the door on Adam’s desk. “You sure you want to drive?” 

 

“Yes.” His voice came out clipped and stern, but he couldn’t trust anyone but himself to drive to the hospital. Even when his hands were shaking and he was envisioning his shaking hands wrapping around Kavinsky’s neck and not letting go. 

 

“Gansey, I can drive if you want me to-.” Adam had to jog to keep up with Gansey’s quick strides towards where the Pig was parked in the back lot. 

 

“I’m  _ driving _ .” 

 

The conversation quickly ended as they hopped into the Pig and Gansey turned the engine over. It coughed a few times and did its best impression of a car that wasn’t going to turn on. “Come on,” Gansey growled as he continued to try to turn the key. 

 

It took five times to make the engine finally rev up the car and soon they were rattling down the road, going too fast, well above the legal twenty-five. Gansey flew down the street and off toward the main state route, blowing through red lights, as Adam clung to the side of the car with clenched teeth. 

 

Ronan. Emergency room. Ronan was  _ in _ in the emergency room, and he didn’t know why, but Gansey had a feeling it had everything to do with Kavinsky. He’d stayed at that damn party and now he was in the ER. “I’m going to kill him,” Gansey growled, unable to stop the sentence from being uttered out loud. 

 

“Who? Ronan?” Adam asked, looking over at him wild eyed. 

 

“ _ Kavinsky _ ,” he snarled with vehemence. 

 

Adam had to brace himself against the door tightly when Gansey turned the Pig around a corner so tight it felt as if they were about to tilt over. “What did  _ he _ do?” 

 

“It was  _ his _ party! Ronan stayed at that  _ fucking _ party and now he’s in the ER!”

 

They screeched into the hospital parking lot and Gansey threw the Pig into park as they pulled up in front of the Emergency room doors. He barely took time to turn the car off before he was running into doors and into the ER lobby. Several people glanced up at them as they careened up to the nurse’s desk. 

 

“Excuse me,” he panted, “I’m looking for Ronan Lynch.” 

 

The nurse raised an eyebrow at him. “Are you family?” she asked as she typed. 

 

“Yes,” Gansey lied smoothly. “I got a phone call that he was in the ER. Is he alright?” 

 

Adam stood off to the side, watching on quietly, while Gansey tried to keep himself together, but Ronan was in the goddamn emergency room. The nurse typed on the computer for a moment before finally starting to talk again, “Well, it looks as if he was rushed in, he’d had a bad reaction to an unknown substance.” 

 

The thud of his heart began to bang so hard against his chest, Gansey realized he was having trouble breathing. “Substance? Like drugs?” 

 

“It doesn’t say. I’m sorry, that’s all the information I can give you at the moment. When we know more, I’ll be sure to let you know. Arlight?” 

 

“Did anyone come in with him?” he asked, his voice low and dark. If Kavinsky had let Ronan take a pill, OD, and then  _ left him _ at the ER, he was going to hire someone to shoot him. 

 

“I’m not sure.” 

 

“Gansey,” Adam said, making him spin around. Gansey’s eyes followed to where Adam was pointing. In the far corner was a young man with his head in his hands, staring at the floor with extreme concentration. From the look of the tattoos along his forearms and the look of his clothes, Gansey  _ knew _ . 

 

“Gansey, wait,” Adam said, but before anyone could do anything, he was launching across the ER and storming over to where Kavinsky sat. “Gansey, don’t do anything stupid,” Adam continued as he followed.  

 

“What are you doing here?” Gansey demanded, arms crossed over his chest. “You’re the reason he’s here. You don’t care about him, so why are you  _ here _ ?” 

 

Kavinsky looked up at him, his eyes not as dilated as usual, and his face as white as the wall behind them. He’d never known Kavinsky to show real concern for another human being, not even himself, but the usual hollow and empty look in his eyes was gone, replaced with something that Gansey would call akin to worry. 

 

“I didn’t know,” Kavinsky whispered, his voice shaking slightly. “Do you think I would have given it to him, if I’d known?” 

 

“Do you really think I  _ believe _ you?” Gansey asked. “You’ve always gotten Ronan into trouble, in high school and now that he’s moved on, you can’t let him go...  He doesn’t need you right now, he needs something stable and steady.” 

 

“You don’t get to speak for him,” Kavinsky spat. “He’s not your servant, Dick.” 

 

“Kavinsky-.” He was one step away from shedding the tears that waited behind weak walls. 

 

“You should go,” Adam said, his voice the wash of calm both Kavinsky and Gansey needed. 

 

Kavinsky finally straightened his shoulders and snatched up the keys sitting on the chair beside the one he’d been sitting on. “If he asks, you fucking tell him, that I came here. Got it, Dick?” 

 

“Piss off, Kavinsky.” 

 

There was a moment where Gansey worried Kavinsky would actually start a fight and they’d all be thrown out, but after a dark glare, Kavinsky finally gave up and walked out of the ER with his head ducked down. A moment later, Gansey felt his legs give out. Adam was quick to catch him and soon they were huddled down on a couch together, trying to be a comfort to one another. 

 

“If he’s dead,” Gansey whispered. 

 

“He’s not,” Adam replied. 

 

“But if he is-.” 

 

“He’s  _ not _ .” 

 

The wall broke. 

 

* * *

 

 

_ Dying is a boring side effect.  _

 

The smell of the dead, formaldehyde and ammonia, made the world spin around in circles. There were blurry faces staring down and for a moment Ronan wondered if there was no afterlife afterall. Every Sunday he’d spent in church, every page of the Bible he’d read, it was all a lie. His heart sank and his eyes began to close, but then a familiar voice made his eyelids flutter. 

 

“Ronan? Ronan, are you okay? Can he hear us?” 

 

“Give him some air, Gansey.” 

 

_ Gansey _ . 

 

Ronan’s eyes blinked open and suddenly the world was in screaming color. Gansey was stepping back at Adam’s behest, and off to his right stood a pretty woman in scrubs. She was injecting something into an IV, which was running conveniently into his arm. 

 

“Where am I?” Ronan asked, at least that was what he envisioned himself saying, but from the sound of it, his speech was a bit slurred. It came out more like gibberish. 

 

“What?” Gansey asked as he fought the urge to jump on top of him. “Ronan? Is he okay?” 

 

“He’s fine,” the woman said gently. “Just a bit groggy. He’s very lucky.” 

 

As the seconds passed by, Ronan’s brain began to clear up and the fuzzy edges of his vision filled out. He was lying on a hospital bed and he was attached to machines. Gansey was standing off to the side with Adam, both of them looking worried. In a chair, Noah sat staring at him with his owlish gaze, just as worried. There were balloons and a fucking teddy bear sitting on a table nearby. That made him smile. 

 

“Ronan, are you okay?” Gansey asked, his voice trembling slightly. 

 

“I’m fine,” he replied, this time, his speech clear. “What happened?” 

 

The relief on Gansey’s face was quickly replaced with disgust. He knew that look; it was the look Richard Gansey reserved for only one person on the entire planet: Joseph Kavinsky. 

 

“We’ll talk about it later,” Gansey replied with a slight shrug, wiping the disgust off of his face and replacing it with a  _ Richard Campbell Gansey III  _ smile. It was the kind of smile Ronan hated. “Just get better.” 

 

“What day is it?” Ronan asked, but then a doctor was walking in. 

 

“Ah, Mr. Lynch, you’re awake. Excellent. We need to run a few neurological tests and a few more blood panels, but once those come back clear, you’ll be able to check on out of here.” 

 

“Neurological tests?” Gansey asked, the worry returning to his handsome face. 

 

“Just to be sure there was no damage,” the doctor said. “It’s standard procedure, I’m sure Mr. Lynch is fine.” 

 

“I am,” Ronan replied as he attempted to sit up. It was more difficult than he’d first thought. The task could only be completed by the help of the nurse. Ronan blamed the bed’s awkward position. “I’m fine.” 

 

“I’m sure you are… but, we still have to complete the tests.” The doctor was firm on this and the nurse began to escort his friends out. “It won’t take long, I promise.” 

 

“But then I can leave?” Ronan asked as the doctor pulled out a chart. 

 

“After we do a few more blood tests and as long as everything else checks out fine, yes.” 

 

Ronan rolled his eyes a bit and nodded. “Fine. Let’s do this.” 

 

The doctor asked a standard test of questions, asking after the date, his name, his mother’s name, the month, and other similar things to stimulate different areas of his brain. He was asked to repeat numbers off of cards and memorize a scene. It all seemed silly, but Ronan supposed if he were in the hospital that things had been a lot more serious than he’d realized. The nurse took his blood and then Gansey was back in the room. Ronan watched as he went to sit in the chair next to his bed. 

 

“What happened?” Ronan asked after Gansey was seated. “All I remember was K-  _ Kavinsky _ , giving me a pill.” 

 

“I don’t know the complete story, but from what’s been going on around campus, there’s a few different versions. In one version you had a seizure and in the other you threw up on yourself and were crying like a ‘little bitch’.” 

 

Ronan snorted as Gansey used air quotes. “What’d Kavinsky say?” 

 

At the mention of K’s name, Gansey’s eyes narrowed and he visibly braced, as if he were about to get punched in the face. Ronan could see Gansey’s discomfort, even though he didn’t say so out loud. Kavinsky was always a sore subject. 

 

“I took that pill willingly, Gansey,” Ronan pointed out. “It could have been either of us having a reaction. It’s not as if the pill had a skull and crossbones printed on its side.” 

 

“You shouldn’t have gone to that party, you should have just  _ left _ … Ronan…” Gansey trailed off as he had to gather his composure. “Ronan Lynch, you are my best friend, and I don’t know what I would have done if you’d…” He had to stop himself again. 

 

Seeing Gansey be emotional was strange, especially over him, of all people. Ever since Adam had come to their high school and followed them right into college, Ronan had never felt like Gansey’s best friend. He wasn’t Adam Parrish and he wasn’t Gansey’s right hand man anymore. He was Gansey’s attack dog. 

 

“I’m not your best friend, Gansey,” he said, his voice quiet and even, trying not to be angry. “I haven’t been your best friend for three years.” 

 

“What are you talking about? Ronan-.” 

 

“ _ Adam _ is your new best friend. We all know it.” He looked away, his eyes turning to focus on the window. The blinds were shut, so there was nothing for him to look at, except for the bland hospital walls. They were painted some shade of brown, which was better than white, but they weren’t pretty either. There was a floral border running along the top, pretending to be a frieze, but Ronan knew a real frieze when he saw it. 

 

There was silence between them after the words were spoken. There wasn’t much left to say between them, now that Gansey was truly considering the implication of what was said. Adam Parrish had stepped into Gansey’s life and he’d been quickly shoved to the side. Noah was the only one who seemed immune to the clique behavior, since he didn’t fit in anywhere, and was the quietest of followers.

 

“Ronan…” Gansey went to say, but the nurse was coming back with a smile on her face. 

 

“Good news,” she said cheerily, “You can go home.” 

 

Suddenly, Ronan wasn’t excited by the prospect, and from the look on Gansey’s face, he wasn’t either. 

 

“Great,” Ronan said with a self deprecating smile. 

 


	4. Chapter 4

There was a boy walking out of the medical center and he wasn’t paying attention where he was going, but Blue began to countdown the second they would collide. She had a stack of books, he had an expensive phone in hand. Her mother had told her to never move out of the way of a man walking down the sidewalk, when she had just as much right of way as he did. Of course, her mother had never expected her daughter to be carrying a stack of books that was almost as tall as she was, either. 

 

“Whoa,” the guy said as they almost collided, but he looked up just in time. “You need some help?” 

 

“I can do it,” Blue insisted. “Promise.” 

 

“You sure?” 

 

His accent was fancy, as if he’d grown up somewhere rich. Her eyes trailed down his frame and eventually landed on his top-siders. They were stupid. “I guess I could use some help.” 

 

“I’m Gansey,” he said with smile as he accepted the stack of books. 

 

_ Gansey _ . Suddenly, his face jogged a memory and Blue remembered how she’d already met him, quickly, at a party with the Snake boy. Ronan. “I know you,” she said the same moment he said, “Haven’t we met?” 

 

“So we  _ have _ met,” Gansey said with a wide smile. “Great. I don’t quite remember your name...” 

 

“Blue.” 

 

“Blue. Right. Is that your real name?” he asked then, a perfectly waxed eyebrow raising in disbelief. “Who names their child  _ Blue _ ? Blue is color. How about I call you Jane?” 

 

“ _ Jane _ ?!” She gave him a nasty look. “You’re a dick, has anyone ever told you that?” 

 

Gansey looked at her with wide eyes, his mouth shaping into a little ‘o’. Clearly, no one had ever told him such a thing before. “I’m helping you carry your books, aren’t I?” 

 

Blue rolled her eyes as she finally came to stand in front of the beat up truck that was sitting apart from the other cars in the visitor lot. Opening the cab with one hand, the books managed to tip lightly onto the seat, and Blue took the rest from Gansey, who was looking over her truck with a skeptical eye. She rolled her eyes again.  _ Rich boys _ . 

 

“Do you go here?” he asked then, his eyes going over her clothes carefully. She could see him calculating the likelihood of her being a student at his prestigious university. 

 

“No,” she replied. “I work here.” 

 

“You work here?” he repeated, sounding dumbfounded. 

 

“Yes. I work at the library. They hire the general public, too, you know. Not just students. I stock shelves. I got a library card and they let me take books home. That’s what libraries are for, just in case you weren’t too sure.” 

 

Gansey had the gall to look offended as he folded his arms over his perfectly pressed, salmon colored polo. It was a horrendous color on him. The jeans he wore probably cost more than their house did. “Well, you are rather-.” 

 

“Rude?” she asked as she climbed into the truck and thumped the door shut. “Kettle,” Blue pressed a hand to her chest, “Pot,” she pointed a finger at his chest. “Say hi to your friend for me.” 

 

“Who?” 

 

“Ronan.” 

 

The truck growled to life and then she was pulling out of the parking lot slowly and down the narrow street to head back to their house. It was close to dinnertime and then she had to start working on applications for scholarships and financial aid. Getting into college, any college, was a dream within a dream, but working at the library, surrounded by students, gave her some hope. 

 

300 Fox Way was tucked behind the small college town, passed the river and nestled in a copse of trees. Her family liked their privacy and Blue couldn’t blame them. Even though she worked in a college town, she had little desire to  _ live _ there. The little house was crammed with people, stuff, and cats when Blue parked the truck and attempted to carry her books inside in one go. It was a mistake. 

 

As soon as she attempted to pass the threshold of the front door, a nail caught onto her shoe lace and made her tumble down onto the vinyl floor. “Son of a-.” 

 

“Ouch,” came her cousin Orla’s voice from where she was sitting with a group of young men, who were clearly from the college. They all snorted and snickered. Blue just rolled her eyes and attempted to gather her books. “Want some help?” 

 

“No, I’m fine.” Blue decided not to ask what Orla was doing with a group of boys she didn’t know and instead she hustled up the steps with her books. Her mind flicked back to Gansey and how he came off so  _ pompous _ . He was the type of guy she wanted to stay as far away from as possible. 

 

“Did you rob the library again?” came Calla’s voice in her doorway. 

 

“Yes,” Blue replied. 

 

“Well, I guess you could have weirder habits.” 

 

“Where’s Mom?” 

 

“Probably doing a reading or making dinner, who knows.” 

 

Right. 

 

Blue’s family was a family of psychics or at least that was what she had to believe, anyway. She wasn’t sure she believed in the supernatural, since she was not gifted like her mother, Calla or Persephone. Halloween was a big hit in their house, and the college boys and girls at the university ate up readings, tarot, and the psychic hotline. They all wanted to know if they would end up with that guy they happened to see across the quad after their American Lit class or if they would pass that biology final. 

 

Blue thought it was all rubbish. 

 

“BLUE!” yelled Maura up the stairs. “DINNER!” 

 

Dinner smelled like spaghetti, which was better than just yogurt, even if she liked yogurt more than most people did. Glancing one more time at the stack of lonely books, Blue headed down the stairs, still ignoring Orla and the boys, instead turning at the stairs to go down the cramped, narrow hallway toward the kitchen. Persephone and Calla were already at the table with plates full of noodles and sauce. 

 

“Spaghetti?” Blue asked, even though the answer was apparent. 

 

“ _ Wow _ , some would say she’s clairvoyant,” Calla muttered with as much sarcasm as she could muster, which was a lot. 

 

Blue rolled her eyes. “Thanks,” she said to her mother when Maura handed her a plate. 

 

“How was work?” Maura asked. 

 

“I re-met a boy named Gansey, today,” she said offhandedly. “He’s a jerk.” 

 

“Like the other boy from the party?” Persephone asked in her quiet voice. Blue blushed. 

 

“What boy? What party?” Maura asked, suddenly attuned to the conversation. 

 

“The party I went to the other night…” Blue said, hoping to jog Maura’s memory. She’d gotten permission to go, but then again, her mother had been busy with taxes or something when she’d said anything. “I met a boy named Ronan. He was a jerk, too, but not like Gansey.” 

 

“Well, you certainly are meeting a lot of  _ boys _ ,” Maura pointed out as Blue began to creep toward the hallway. “Where do you think you’re going?” 

 

“Upstairs. I have a bunch of books to read. Thanks for supper!” Before Maura or the others could call her back, Blue dashed down the hallway as fast as the small space allowed, and then back up the steps to hide in her room, locking the door for good measure. It wasn't that she never got privacy, but she never got privacy. 

 

As soon as Blue was sitting on her bed, plate on her lap, she picked up the nearest book to start reading, but her mind was already wandering to Gansey and Ronan. They were clearly friends and the other guy, K-something, was  _ not _ their friend. K-Something sounded like an even bigger jerk than Ronan and Gansey. 

 

The real question at hand, was why were all of the university students world-class jerks? 

 

Blue shook her head and returned to her book. They weren’t her friends and she quickly dismissed them from her mind. She wouldn’t be caught dead hanging out with people that terrible. 

 


	5. Chapter 5

Class always felt mundane and pointless to Ronan, especially after spending a few days in the hospital. He hadn’t expected to feel so tired. After spending his first two classes fighting to stay awake, Ronan found himself in line to get coffee and his mind was traveling about in a circle around someone he hadn’t seen since the party. 

 

Kavinsky had been MIA since the incident, and he hadn’t seen any of his rat pack either. He’d asked around, too, but no one had seen him and some people hadn’t even heard of him. In fact, most people hadn’t heard of him, which was the weirdest part to Ronan. Kavinsky didn’t go anywhere without being known. 

 

“Ronan,” came Adam’s voice from behind, making him look over his shoulder in surprise. “Didn’t mean to startle you.” 

 

Ronan shrugged it off as he ordered a plain coffee. “Want something?” he asked. 

 

“No, thanks.” Adam shook his head, but Ronan ordered another coffee and handed it over. “I said-.” 

 

“You’re a shitty liar, Parrish.” 

 

Adam’s cheeks turned red as they walked away from the coffee cart toward the dorms. “Don’t you have class?” Adam asked as he opened the door for them. 

 

“Technically.” Ronan sipped his drink, ignored some girls giggling, and followed Adam upstairs to his room on the second floor. It was small, but Ronan liked the cramped space. The furniture was nice, for a dorm, and he had a nice view of the quad below. All in all, Ronan knew there were worse places to live. 

 

Adam rolled his eyes a little as he set his backpack down by his desk and together they sat on the edge of his bed to drink their coffees. “You feeling okay?” 

 

“Yeah.” 

 

“What about you and Gansey? You guys seemed off after… I wasn’t sure what was going on.” 

 

Adam looked so curious and honestly open it made Ronan’s chest hurt and tighten. He didn’t know. He had no idea that  _ he _ was now Richard Gansey’s best friend and he’d dethroned Ronan. “It’s nothing we can’t work out,” Ronan replied then, unable to tell him what was going on. Ronan didn’t lie, but he believed himself to be telling the truth; the friendship he had with Gansey, while not the same, was still a good one, and despite their bickering, they always made it work. 

 

“Okay, well, that’s good.” Adam smiled and Ronan’s heart ached over Adam’s alien-like beauty. “You seen Kavinsky?” 

 

“No,” Ronan muttered. “No one’s seen him. I don't get it. I went by the house, his car wasn’t there, he isn’t on campus anywhere.” 

 

Adam nodded as he listened, his brows creased in the middle. “That’s… not like him.” 

 

“I know.” 

 

Neither of them had any idea what that meant, but it was something to ponder on. Ronan finished his coffee and tossed the empty cup into Adam’s trashcan. “I should go,” he said, standing up without thinking too much on his next actions. “Might try to get a nap in before my film class.” It was the only class he liked. 

 

“Okay. See you around, Lynch.” 

 

“Bye, Parrish.” 

 

Popping the collar of his jacket to protect from the chilly, rainy air, Ronan headed for the door and made his way out of the dorm and back onto the sidewalk. Once again, he ignored a group of giggling girls. Part of him wanted to tell them they were barking up the wrong tree, but his tongue was like a dead weight in his mouth. The words never came, even when he wanted them to. 

 

Kavinsky was mysteriously missing, which didn’t make sense to Ronan. Part of his heart feared the son of a bitch had ended up accidentally killing himself by taking too many of those pills, but part of him had a feeling he was just holed up in a nice hotel somewhere, fucking girls, and doing  _ more _ drugs. 

 

Skipping Class: The Kavinsky Style. 

 

Ronan shook his head a little as he headed for where he’d parked his car. The phone in his pocket was a reminder that he could just as easily text Kavinsky, but he had a feeling that wouldn’t prove fruitful. Either way, Ronan pulled out the device and sent a single text:

 

 

  * __Fuck off, Kavinsky__



 

 

There were three hours before his film class, which was enough time to take a nap, but not enough time to do a wide sweep of the town on the search for Kavinsky’s Mitsubishi. The only choices were to go to the class he was blatantly skipping or go back to the apartment where Gansey was probably reading up on dead Old English kings. Then they would sit in awkward silence together or maybe he would take the nap he’d told Adam he’d take.

 

The phone dinged. Ronan glanced down, his heart in his mouth. 

 

 

  * __Gansey is looking for you__



 

It was Adam. 

 

Ronan rolled his eyes and dialed Gansey’s number while climbing into the car. “If you’re looking for me,” Ronan said as soon as Gansey answered, “maybe you should call yourself.” 

 

“I was talking to Adam and he said he’d been with you just a moment ago,” Gansey said quickly. “Sorry.” 

 

“What do you want?” The headrest of the BMW was a comfort against the back of his skull while he waited to listen to Gansey’s orders. 

 

“I have something you’re going to want to see for yourself. When are you free?” 

 

“It better be better than dead kings,” Ronan snarled as he turned the car on. 

 

“Oh, believe me,” Gansey said quietly, “it is.” 

 

* * *

 

 

“Bang,” Kavinsky whispered as he pointed his fingers at the TV, where a reality show was playing. “Dead.” 

 

The hotel room was trashed and there was a blonde girl lying face down on the bed. He didn’t remember her name. All weekend, his phone had been blowing up, but he’d been ignoring it like it was his job. Holing up in the hotel hadn’t been part of the Plan, but he was in one of those  _ moods _ . The ones where he didn’t need pills to feel as if he were flying, not that that stopped him. 

 

In the past two days, he’d spent three grand on clothes, drugs, hookers, booze, and two new iPhones. Most of the items he’d bought were scattered all over the floor and room, except for the phones. They were resting safely on the desk in the corner. One was for himself, obviously, but the other was for Ronan. It wasn’t an apology, though. 

 

_ I didn’t force him to take that pill _ . 

 

The women on the TV were screaming and fighting, pulling hair and using well-done manicured fingernails. The screeching made his head hurt. 

 

_ I didn’t make him stay. He wanted to stay and he wanted the pill _ . 

 

The silver gun he kept on his person felt heavy and familiar in his hands as he pointed it at the television. 

 

“Bang,” he said as the gun went off. The TV exploded and the blonde on the bed sat up wailing. 

 

“The  _ fuck _ just happened?!” she yelled. 

 

“It’s fine, bitch, shut up and suck my dick. What am I paying you for?” 

 

Her eyes slid over to the TV and then again at the gun he was still holding. “You’re fucking crazy.” 

 

Kavinsky laughed. “Baby, you got no idea.” 

 

* * *

 

 

Ronan arrived back home to Gansey sitting on the couch, his laptop on the coffee table. “Honey, I’m home,” Ronan grumbled as he dropped his coat on the back of the chair opposite the couch. “What did you want?” 

 

“So, I did some digging about Kavinsky and why he’s here.” 

 

“He goes to Yale,” Ronan replied tiredly as he sank onto the couch. 

 

“Yeah, well, I didn’t believe that, so I made a few phone calls and finally got into contact with someone in Admissions.” Gansey paused here to take off the wire framed glasses he only wore occasionally to wipe them off. This was clearly a pause to try and hook Ronan in. 

 

“ _ Why _ ?” Ronan insisted as he slouched in the chair to be comfortable. Only Gansey would do  _ research _ on K, even when he hated the subject. 

 

“He’s a liar.” 

 

“We knew that.” 

 

“He lied about going here. The person I talked to said he  _ did _ apply, but he didn’t get in.” Gansey shoved his shoulders back and stared at him proudly as if he’d just discovered the Holy Grail. “He lied to you Ronan, which  _ is _ a Kavinsky thing to do, but the question is, why is he here at all? Why come all the way to Yale and  _ pretend _ to be a student?” 

 

Ronan stared at the table, frowning to himself. “To be a dick. That’s Kavinsky’s bullshit style.” 

 

“ _ Or _ to mess with you. To use you. Ronan. Do yourself a favor and stay away from him.” 

 

Ronan wanted to point out that it didn’t even matter, he hadn’t heard from K since the party. He’d simply dropped off the face of the earth, not even leaving a shitty text in his wake. It was bothersome to Ronan and he wasn’t quite sure why. Kavinsky had landed him in the ER, he could have died, and not to mention the other bouts of torture K had given him since high school. 

 

“I’m serious, Ronan,” Gansey said, drawing his attention. “Stay away from him. If he approaches you again, ignore him.” 

 

Ronan clenched his jaw. “I don’t like being told what to do.” 

 

“It’s for your own good.” 

 

“I’m going for a walk.” 

 

“Ronan, come on, stay at home. We can skip class together.” Gansey pointed to the new project he must have started in the middle of the night when he couldn’t sleep. It was another miniature, this one a copy of Yale’s campus. “I can work on that and you can watch TV.” 

 

Ronan stood up, despite Gansey’s protest. “I’m going for a walk,” he said again, this time with more conviction. “Don’t wait up for me.” 

 

Gansey opened his mouth to say something and stopped. “Fine… But if you’re not back by ten, I’m sending out a search party.” 

 

“Bye, Gansey.” Ronan grabbed his coat and car keys as he headed back out into the afternoon. 

 

* * *

 

 

The thrum of the bass welcomed him as he walked in, the hood of his black jacket covering his eyes from being stared at too heavily. The hallway pulsed and throbbed from the loud music, only growing louder as the entrance drew closer. A group of men in fishnet shirts and tight leather pants were exiting the same time as he entered the club. They looked him up and down, but Kavinsky ignored them. The club was packed with grinding, sweating bodies, and the neon lights reminded him of the pills he carted in his pocket.

 

Keeping to the shadows, Kavinsky slinked up to the bar and leaned against it, slowly and carefully pushing the hood off of his head. Casting a quick glance around, there was no one he knew standing about to see him. 

 

“What can I get you, Gorgeous?” the bartender asked, flashing him a large smile. 

 

Kavinsky cast him a sneer but then he remembered he’d come here to party, not to hide. He was done hiding. “Something to knock a lesser man on his ass… and open a tab. Kavinsky.” 

 

The bartender nodded. “Sure thing, Sugar.” 

 

He rolled his eyes at the nickname. If only the bastard  _ knew _ . Off to his right, Kavinsky took note of the two men making out, and on his left there was an older man with a boy no older than Kavinsky on his lap. A tall, broad guy in a leather jacket nodded at him when he came to stand nearby at the bar. Kavinsky looked away and accepted the drink he was passed. 

 

“First time here?” Leather Jacket asked. 

 

Kavinsky ignored him and walked off into the crowd. He looked too much like Ronan. 

 

Fucking Ronan Lynch. He hadn’t been able to stop thinking about Ronan since they had graduated together at Aglionby. The way Ronan had flipped the entire school the bird had made him grin from ear to ear. The intricate tattoo peeking out of Ronan’s school uniform had always kept him intrigued to what the world didn’t get to see of Ronan. His voice, his anger, his smirk. The way Ronan raced. 

 

It was all too much. 

 

Kavinsky knocked back his drink and immediately felt looser. Chasing the burn with a green pill, Kavinsky shrugged out of his jacket and left it on a chair, going to the dance floor to press up against young, lithe bodies. Bodies pressed back against him and they all began to move as one unit. Sweat quickly made his tank top unbearable, so he tossed it aside. Hands pressed against his bare skin, groping and grabbing. 

 

Lips pressed against his neck, sucking and biting without his permission. He tried to spin around, but the room was too packed, and he was pressed against too many bodies. The alcohol and the drugs began to finally kick in, making him feel completely invincible. 

 

He was flying. 

 

“Wanna come back with me, Sweetheart?” a deep voice muttered against his ear. 

 

Kavinsky ignored the question at hand. He was no sweetheart. “Fuck off, old man,” he replied with a laugh. The song shifted and so did the crowd, sending him off of the dance floor and off toward a private section of the club, where nude shows were put on behind red curtains. Kavinsky eyed the curtains for a long time, but eventually turned and made his way back to the bar. He needed another drink. 

 

The phone in his back pocket buzzed. 

 

- _ answer your phone, you asshole  _

 

It was Ronan. 

 

Kavinsky practically threw the offered drink back on the bar as he pulled his phone free to call him, his heart thudding away in his throat. When Ronan answered, he kept his voice snide and nasty, as usual, “Hey, fuckweasel, I see you’re still breathing.” 

 

“No thanks to you,” Ronan replied darkly. “Where are you?” 

 

“Having a fucking good time,” Kavinsky replied as he picked up his drink again. “You off shining Gansey’s shoes and washing his travesty of a car?” 

 

“No. I’m looking for you.” 

 

Hearing Ronan say those words in a non-threatening way felt strange in Kavinsky’s ears, but they also thrilled him. Maybe Ronan was finally ready to ditch Gansey and pick him; he  _ was _ much better company. “Bored with Gansey then?” 

 

“Seriously, K,” Ronan said, his voice losing the edge it usually had with him, “Where the fuck are you?” 

 

Kavinsky smirked and sipped. “ _ Oxygen _ .” 

 

* * *

 

 

Oxygen was busy. 

 

The line outside ran all the way down the sidewalk and wasn’t moving fast at all. Ronan stood in the middle with his hands shoved into his pockets and his head ducked down. Part of him had always been curious about the nightclub, all things considered, but he’d never gone. Now, he was skipping his favorite class to find Kavinsky’s stupid ass and talk to him about why he would lie about being a student. 

 

Gansey was right. Kavinsky was probably doing it to mess with  _ him _ , and to drive him crazy by never leaving him alone. However, Ronan had found that Kavinsky in his life was a comforting constant. There would always be someone around that was a worse person than him. 

 

The line shuffled forward and Ronan dug around for his ID. He avoided eye contact with everyone, except for the bouncer when he finally reached the front. The man hardly glanced at his ID before waving him on in, and Ronan didn’t allow himself to think twice. The hallway was lined with bodies and couples kissing and pressing into one another. The bass made the floor shake. 

 

 

  * __I’m here, K. Where the fuck are you?__



 

 

Ronan kept his phone in hand as he stood off to the side, trying to spot a pair of white sunglasses in the crowd. However, when Ronan saw Kavinsky he wasn’t wearing the sunglasses, and he wasn’t wearing his tank top either. The gold chain glinted along his chest, but he was otherwise shirtless. They made eye contact from across the room, neither of them moving to walk closer, until Ronan gave in and started to approach. Kavinsky copied his move until they met in the middle. 

 

As soon as he was in Kavinsky’s presence, he noted that he was high and probably tipsy. Ronan opened his mouth to yell at him, but the words didn’t come. They stared at one another, not saying anything at all, until the world felt as if it were going to snap. 

 

Ronan did. 

 

He grabbed Kavinsky’s chain and pulled him up against his mouth. The kiss happened quick and it was over just as fast, since Kavinsky was shoving him backward in offense. They stared a little more. Ronan could tell Kavinsky wanted to tell him to fuck off, but instead, he was launching back into Ronan’s space and they kissed again, their hands quick to grab onto whatever part of each other they could reach. 

 

The room was hot, as if someone had lit the entire thing on fire. Ronan could feel every ounce of Kavinksy’s  _ want _ and it felt so good. They pressed against one another, kissing, and grinding, and touching. It had been forbidden for so long, the release was overwhelming. When they parted for air, Ronan knew Kavinsky’s dilated pupils weren’t just dark from drugs.  _ He’d _ done that to K. 

 

“Fuck,” Kavinsky hissed, as he reached up to touch his lips, as if Ronan had burnt him. “Fuck you, Lynch.” 

 

Ronan grabbed onto Kavinsky’s arms to keep him from pulling away too far. “Screw you, K,” he snarled, stepping back into Kavinksy’s space. They were similar in height, but Kavinksy had automatically leaned down, as if to make himself smaller, so he had to look up at Ronan. “Fuck you for lying to me.” 

 

“About what?” Kavinsky asked, confused. 

 

“You don’t go to Yale, you dick. You’re a goddamn liar.” 

 

“Oh, blow me,” Kavinsky snapped, and Ronan wasn’t sure if it were an insult or a command. 

 

“Is that a dare?” They were backing up against a dark corner and Kavinsky stared at him in surprise when he began to unbutton and unzip his fly. 

 

Kavinsky grinned for a moment before looking down. “Seriously, Lynch?” 

 

“You want me to get you off or not, K?” Ronan asked as he pressed his lips to Kavinksy’s pulse to feel the answer. From the way the skin fluttered, Ronan knew the answer. His hands wrapped around Kavinsky in response. 

 

It was rough and quick, with Ronan using two hands and allowing Kavinsky to make a mess under his shirt against his stomach. The cold apathy that Kavinsky usually sported on his face had melted away and formed into something softer and more innocent. It was a reminder that under Kavinsky’s asshole exterior, he was still a person beneath. A person who had feelings and wants. 

 

Or maybe Kavinsky didn’t have feelings and truly did live on entertainment. 

 

“Come back to my place,” Kavinsky whispered when he was coming off of his post-orgasm high. 

 

“The house?” Ronan asked. 

 

“Yeah.” 

 

Ronan mulled it over while Kavinsky began to work a hickey into the side of his neck. He could go back with Kavinsky, they would probably continue to explore each other’s bodies for the remainder of the evening or he could go back home, where he would stare up at the ceiling and be alone with all of his thoughts. 

 

_ Gansey told you to stay away and yet you’re here with the guy who almost got you killed. He doesn’t care about you. He cares about  _ owning _ you.  _

 

Ronan shook the thoughts away and stared at Kavinsky’s grin. They both knew what his answer would be. 

 

“Let’s go,” Ronan said as they kissed again. 


	6. Chapter 6

The night air felt good along Blue’s face as she walked away from the library after staying late to help itemize a bunch of new shipment. She’d needed the hours anyway. However, it was late now, and she knew Maura would hate the idea of her walking home alone in the dark, since she’d left the truck at home for Calla to use. Waving good-bye to her boss, Blue decided not to call and just enjoy the night sky and cool breeze, instead. 

 

She was halfway down the sidewalk that connected to the street she needed to take when her eyes landed on Richard Gansey and another boy she didn’t know. He was tall and handsome, too, however, but not in the same way Gansey was handsome. No, Gansey’s companion had a strange homeliness to him, as if he hadn’t been bred in Gansey’s world. 

 

“Blue?” Gansey called when he caught sight of her. He even raised his hand in greeting before nudging his friend to follow. She stayed glued to her spot on the sidewalk, while he crossed the street. “What are you doing out so late?” 

 

“I had to stay at the library late, I’m on my way home now.” Blue shrugged before turning her eyes on the stranger. 

 

“Oh, sorry, this is Adam Parrish. He’s a friend of mine. We went to highschool together.” 

 

Adam offered up a little wave and smile. “Nice to meet you,” he said quickly and quietly. 

 

“You, too… What are you two doing out here?” 

 

“Looking for Ronan,” Gansey admitted. “He took off hours ago and I said around ten I’d send a search party and I wasn’t kidding. Have you seen him around?” 

 

“No, I’m sorry. Do you want help looking?” Blue knew she  _ really _ needed to call Maura if she was going to be out later than usual, but she was interested in finding Ronan and making sure he was alright. Especially after she’d heard about the party. 

 

“That’d be great,” Gansey replied politely. “Right, Adam?” Adam nodded. 

 

“Where does he hang out?” Blue asked as they fell into step together. They were crossing back to the other side of the street to where an old Camaro sat beneath a tree. 

 

Gansey sighed as he opened the door for her to climb in. “Pretty sure he’s with Kavinsky.” 

 

Blue noted the way Gansey’s mouth twisted in displeasure when he said Kavinsky. She couldn’t decide if it was because Kavinsky was an asshole or if because Gansey was jealous of Ronan’s relationship with him. Even though she’d only witnessed a small fracture, the tension had been noticeable. 

 

It was only after she was sitting in the car that she realized Gansey had opened the door for her and she hadn’t even protested. She was slipping, but in her defense, she was tired. “Why would Ronan be with Kavinsky?” she asked as Gansey and Adam got into the car. “I mean, at the party, they seemed to hate one another.” 

 

“They do,” Gansey replied, but Blue glanced Adam’s face in the mirror. It was the face of someone who knew something Gansey did not. There was a secret resting behind Adam’s eyes and she was immediately curious. 

 

“But he’s with him?” Blue continued, turning to look at Adam this time. Adam shrugged. 

 

“We don’t know, I’m just assuming, since Kavinsky has a spell over Ronan. He better not be racing,.” Gansey pulled away from campus and headed toward Capers Avenue, where Kavinsky had thrown his huge party. 

 

“How long have they known each other?” Blue ran her eyes over Gansey’s car while he talked. It was old, but it was clearly loved and well cared for by the owner. Of course, Gansey clearly had the money to keep his car in good health, even if it did sound as if it wanted to give up. 

 

“Since high school,” Adam replied. “We’ve all known each other since then… Ronan and Gansey longest… but Kavinsky, too, I guess. When did he come to Aglionby?” 

 

Gansey pulled onto the highway. “Freshman year,” he said. “Pretty sure. Came from Jersey… Dad’s a mobster, it’s why he’s got so much money, but he’s…” Gansey trailed off and put on a fake smile. “He’s not a good person.” 

 

“Yeah, I got that,” Blue said. 

 

“Point is, Ronan needs to stay away from him and he’s not… and now we have to go find him.” Gansey sped up and Blue wondered if his car was going to make the drive. It wasn’t far, but from the way the floor rumbled and the engine roared, it didn’t sound good for the car. 

 

“What if he isn’t there?” she asked. She saw Gansey glance at Adam in the rearview mirror. 

 

The question went unanswered. 

 

* * *

 

 

Kavinsky needed a cigarette after. He rolled away from Ronan and grabbed the box off of the nightstand to pluck one free and light up. Ronan didn’t say anything and Kavinsky considered telling him to get out. He wasn’t someone who  _ cuddled _ after sex, but he wasn’t keen on Ronan returning to his firehouse with Gansey. He wanted Ronan to stay. 

 

“That good, huh?” Ronan asked when he saw Kavinsky lean back against the headboard of the bed with the cigarette the only light in the room. 

 

He rolled his eyes and felt his face turn red, but the room was so dark, he knew Ronan couldn’t see him. “Don’t kid yourself, Lynch, I’ve had better than you.” 

 

Ronan snorted and continued to stare up at the ceiling, his arm pillowed back under his head. “You’re a fucking liar, Kavinsky.” 

 

There was no reason to say anything, so Kavinsky kept taking drags off of the cigarette, blowing the smoke above their heads. He’d never had sex with men before, not in the way he’d had sex with Ronan. When he had sex, Kavinsky always made sure to be in control, but in the moment, he’d allowed Ronan to take the control back. It was annoying how good it had been. No one should have been that good at sex. 

 

The sound of a car pulling up outside was undeniable in their silence together. The way it roared, Kavinsky  _ knew _ who was coming to Ronan’s rescue. He took another drag and blew out the trail of smoke through his nose.

 

Fucking Dick Campbell Gansey III. 

 

“Your master is here,” Kavinsky snarled as he finished his cigarette. He placed the end of it to his own wrist, letting the burn run up and down his arm. 

 

“The hell are you doing?” Ronan asked, but he didn’t move to stop him either. 

 

“You better get running along, Lynch, Mommy is here to collect you,” he replied, keeping his voice dull and empty. He knew who Ronan would choose. 

 

The doorbell rang. 

 

Ronan sighed as he sat up, reaching for his pants which were on the floor. Kavinsky’s eyes immediately flew to Ronan’s tattoo, trying to memorize its complexity. His fingers twitched with the desire to trace Ronan’s spine, but he kept his hands to himself for once. The spell was broken and Ronan was returning to the life he was supposed to live. It pissed him off. 

 

“See you in the streets,” Ronan said, acknowledging their new and strange relationship. “Right, K?” 

 

Kavinsky plucked another cigarette out of the box. “Fuck off,” he said as he placed it in his mouth. 

 

Silence answered him and when Kavinsky looked over at the doorway, Ronan was gone, and Kavinsky felt his fist clench tightly. Throwing the blanket aside, he stood up and went to the window to look outside, watching Ronan follow Gansey back to the Camaro. Jaw clenching and unclenching, Kavinsky took the cigarette and placed it against his wrist again. The pain drew him back to reality, but it wasn’t enough. 

 

The bedroom was dark, but next to the bed, on the nightstand was a bottle of pills. A mixture of things he’d collected over the years by stealing from old people. In the drawer was a bag of cocaine and in the bathroom was another bag of speed waiting to be used. Meth was not something he was used to, but Kavinsky found himself walking into the bathroom to look a the powder in the baggie. It was a trial and he’d only paid for a small amount. But it was enough for snorting and an instant effect. 

 

The powder came out effortlessly and Kavinsky was quick to bend over and snort it up. Air rushed into his lungs as the effect was immediate. The reflection in the mirror showed someone who was too skinny with sunken in eyes. 

 

“Bang,” Kavinsky whispered as he pointed at his temple with a fake gun. “Dead.” 


	7. Chapter 7

The pounding in the room echoed the pounding in his chest as the punching bag took all that Ronan put into it. The gym was mostly empty, save for a couple of guys talking after their workout. Once they cleared out, Ronan was alone with the punching bag and his thoughts.

 

_Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned_ , he thought darkly.

 

Flashes of memory filled his mind’s eye; the taste of smoke on Kavinsky’s tongue, the sweat on his skin, the way their hips fit together like a lock and key, the way K moaned and panted. The look in his eyes. Ronan sneered at the punching bag and hit it faster, harder. The chains keeping it hanging rattled as he swung a hard right hook into the side.

 

He’d never been completely concerned with his mortal soul until after sleeping with Kavinsky. He couldn’t _stop_ thinking about how his religion viewed gays as sinners and how he was now, possibly, going straight to Hell. Not that he wasn’t already going to Hell for being a piece of shit.

 

_Sex with Kavinsky was worth going to Hell_ , Ronan thought as he punched the bag as hard as he could in quick succession. He only stopped when his body gave out and he grasped onto the bag for support. “ _Fuck_.”

 

“You trying to break your hands?” came Gansey’s voice.

 

Of course, Gansey. Always, Gansey.

 

Ronan opened his eyes to glance over at his friend as he came to stand nearby. Gansey looked very Gansey-like, in his Chinos, white polo shirt, and top-siders. “What?” he asked, panting a bit to catch his breath from the physical exertion.

 

“I said, are you trying to break your hands?” Gansey walked up to him, then, taking Ronan’s hands to inspect them. “What are you doing here, anyway? Don’t you have class? Ronan, you _have_ to go to class, they’ll kick you out, and I can’t bail you out this time.”

 

Ronan massaged his knuckles and shrugged. “I’m fine, Gansey.”

 

“Ronan, c’mon, you’ve been cagey ever since I picked you up from Kavinsky’s house the other night.”

 

Ronan rolled his eyes as he picked up the book bag he’d left near the punching bag. “I’m late for class, Gansey.” When he attempted to step around, Gansey slid right back to standing in front of him. “Gansey-.”

 

“Ronan, you have to tell me what’s going on. Please.” Gansey’s eyes softened a little, but the look was quickly replaced with the placid look Gansey kept on his face in public. “Is it Kavinsky? Is he making you do something you don’t want to do?”

 

“The only person making me do shit I don’t want to do is you,” Ronan snapped as he finally managed to get around the Gansey pillar. Class had started thirty minutes ago, but he supposed it was better to show up late than not at all. At least, this class, he had with Adam.

 

Campus was quiet, since classes were in session, which made it a faster walk to the lecture hall. The doors opened with a loud bang, but Ronan was used to grand, late entrances, so he just continued to walk in and head down the steps to where Adam sat. The empty seat beside him was always reserved for him.

 

“You’re late,” the professor said flatly.

 

“Don’t mind me,” Ronan replied as he pulled out the laptop he took notes on. He caught Adam staring at him, so he offered up an easy and relaxed Ronan Lynch Classic™ grin. It made Adam roll his eyes and then he was back to furiously taking notes longhand.

 

“As we were saying, before Mr. Lynch’s rude entrance…”

 

He supposed it wasn’t a good thing the professor knew him by name, since the lecture class was huge with over fifty students, but at the same time, he felt a tinge of pride. Out of all of the nameless faces the man saw a day, _he_ was remembered, and he’d be remembered further when he aced the class with barely studying. His ability to do the work of ten students in half the time Adam took, drove Parrish insane.

 

“What’d I miss?” Ronan whispered in Adam’s ear, but Adam was firmly ignoring him, still taking notes.

 

Ronan rolled his eyes and pulled out the one notebook he did carry around and a piece of gum. If Adam wanted to take notes, he’d do it the long way.

 

_-Adam, what did I miss?_

 

Ronan passed the note over to Adam until he had no choice but to at least look at it. There was a moment where they both paused, looked at the note, and then finally, Adam took it back to write.

 

**-I’m surprised you care so much.**

 

_-I don’t. Just wanted your attention._

 

**-Mature.**

 

_-I have to tell you something._

 

**-What?**

 

Ronan stared at the paper, pen poised to write, but the words were suddenly stuck. He wasn’t even sure he could think them, let alone write them down for another human being to read. Putting it to paper was permanent. He couldn’t take it back if he wrote it down.

 

_-You can’t tell Gansey_

 

Now Adam was looking interested, his notes on class forgotten.

 

**-I won’t, I promise. Just tell me. What’s wrong?**

 

_-I’m_

 

“Mr. Lynch, I would appreciate it if you would leave Mr. Parrish alone. He was paying attention until you rudely came in late and now cannot stop bothering him.”

 

Ronan’s jaw clenched and he held onto his pen tightly. Professor Asshole had killed his conviction and Adam was blushing so much, he ended up crumpling up the paper where they’d been writing. The class all whispered and snickered and suddenly Ronan felt as if he had I’M GAY tattooed on the back of his skull. Everyone knew. It was so damn obvious to everyone except Gansey.

 

Adam kept glancing at him in worry and confusion throughout the lecture, but they didn’t resume their note swapping. When class ended forty-five minutes later, Ronan shoved his laptop away and was quick to jump to his feet and head up to the door. He could hear his name being called, but he didn’t stop. The hallway and the faces within began to blur as his legs started to pick up speed. Soon, he was running through the hall, with Adam yelling after.

 

The afternoon sun welcomed him with a blast of bright rays, blinding him for a moment. The ground caught up with him and Ronan felt his feet trip and only his palms were able to break his fall.

 

“Ronan!” came Noah’s voice and then his friend was there, kneeling beside him in worry. “Are you okay?”

 

Ronan looked up into Noah’s eyes and there was a smudge beneath his eyes, like usual. “I’m fine,” he growled defensively, trying to climb to his feet on his own, but it took Noah’s hands to help.

 

“That looks like it hurts,” Noah said, his eyes on Ronan’s palms. They were scraped and bleeding.

 

“Ronan, Jesus, what is going on?” Adam said as he finally came to stand outside with them.

 

With both Noah and Adam staring at him, not to mention other random strangers, Ronan’s breathing picked up and his hands began to shake. They ached from beating up the punching bag and they stung from the scrape and dirt. The urge to scream filled his chest, but he just stood very still, breathing slowly through his nose. Adam placed a hand on his shoulder and Noah stood biting his lip in concern.

 

“You can’t tell Gansey,” he said again, this time for Noah’s benefit. “Got it?”

 

“Okay,” Adam said slowly, coming around so he could look at Ronan’s face. “Did you guys have a fight?”

 

“No,” Ronan replied as he sank down on the stairs that had made him fall a moment ago. “I… I’m gay.”

 

The words hung in the air for a while between them. The other two went so long without saying anything, that Ronan began to wonder if he hadn’t said it aloud at all and he’d only pictured himself doing it.

 

“Oh,” Noah eventually said. “Okay.”

 

“I know,” Adam said afterward. “I mean, I figured. I never knew for sure, but I figured…”

 

Ronan frowned as he stood up sharply. “How did you _know_ ?” He’d always been so damn careful to hide it, and yet, Parrish had fucking _known_.

 

“Because I’m bi,” Adam replied with a shrug. “You sort of pick stuff up about people when you’re on the spectrum yourself.”

 

Ronan opened his mouth to say something else, to yell, to be mad, but then he couldn't. He wasn’t alone, he realized suddenly. Adam was _also_ different than the general population. They could relate on something important. The knowledge also suddenly made his chest and heart ache.

 

Adam really was beautiful.

 

“So,” Noah said slowly, “No one tells Gansey, right?”

 

Ronan nodded firmly. “Right.”

 

Noah nodded, too. “Sure… Ronan, let’s go to the nurse, she can give you a bandage.”

 

Just like that, they were back to normal. It hadn’t been as earth-shattering as Ronan had always pictured it. In fact, it was relieving. However, he knew that Gansey would never understand, and he was glad both Adam and Noah agreed not to tell him.

 

“Sure,” Ronan said, quietly falling in behind Noah, waving to Adam as he did. “Thank you.”

 

“Hey,” Adam said, making Ronan turn around. “You think we can document that, just now? What you just said? Maybe we can find a really fast-.”

 

“Shut up, Parrish.” Ronan rolled his eyes, which made Noah and Adam laugh as they walked away toward the nurse’s station.

 

* * *

 

 

Ronan hadn’t called.

 

Kavinsky stared at his phone where it had been sitting, quiet, on the table all day. He’d barely left the couch, only a few times to piss and find his cigarettes. Otherwise, he’d been lying on the couch, smoking and popping pills all day; sleeping on and off from the drugs, but Ronan hadn’t called. He hadn’t sent any texts.

 

Ronan Lynch wasn’t someone to go to class, so Kavinsky doubted he was busy with homework, unless his mother Gansey had made him. Grabbing his phone, Kavinsky was quick to shift his clothes around and send Ronan a picture. Like magic, a few seconds later, there was a reply.

 

 

  * _Seriously, K?_



 

 

Kavinsky grinned.

 

 

  * _I’m bored, Lynch. Entertain me._



 

 

There was a longer pause the second time around, which made Kavinsky anxious. Clearly, Ronan didn’t want to come over. But then, Ronan sent his own picture, which made him grin.

 

 

  * _Entertained yet, K?_



 

 

  * __Come over.__



 

  

  * __Can’t. Doing project with Parrish.__



 

  

  * __Blow it off. Come blow me instead.__



 

 

There wasn’t a reply directly after, so Kavinsky stared at his phone, willing Ronan to text him back. Five minutes went by and there was no reply. Ten minutes. Fifteen. He glared and debated on harassing him with a barrage of pictures, but decided against it.

 

He’d purchased more meth and it was sitting on the table, daring him to use it. The dark moods he sometimes felt were returning with a vengeance. The only thing that made him feel better were drugs, racing, and fucking Lynch. Since he couldn’t get the second two, Kavinsky rolled halfway off the couch to get to the meth to snort. He gasped when the drugs hit his system and he saw Ronan had finally replied.

 

 

  * __I’ll come by after. One hour.__



 

  

  * __Good. Bring something good with you.__



 

 

Kavinsky made another line and felt his heartbeat speed up, making him sit up. The surge of energy made him feel as if he could do anything. The living room was trashed, covered in junk he’d stolen, in clothes he’d purchased, and in empty bottles of alcohol he’d consumed. Take out boxes, trash, unused condoms. The mess was a mountain, but now he had the energy to clean it up. The dark cloud dissipated and his mood soared. In one hour, he could do anything, but cleaning became the priority.

 

Kavinsky took the time to gather the trash, hide the drugs, take the half empty bottles of alcohol and put them away, tossing the empties, and even vacuuming the carpet. After, he went to the kitchen, washed the dishes, scrubbed the floors, and wiped the counters down. His body was practically singing as he flew around the house, picking up the bedroom and bathroom last.

 

One hour later, the doorbell was ringing, and Kavinsky was quick to throw it open to see Ronan standing on the doorstep, his BMW parked in the driveway behind them. He smiled but Ronan didn’t smile back.

 

“You look like shit,” Ronan said, which immediately put a downer on the mood.

 

“Fuck you,” Kavinsky snapped as he stepped aside to let Ronan inside. “The fuck is your problem, pussy?”

 

“Seriously, when was the last time you showered, K?” Ronan kept his distance as he looked around at the house, looking impressed at its cleanliness.

 

“If you’re going to be a whiny bitch, you can leave,” Kavinsky said as he pointed to the door. For a moment, he feared Ronan would take him up on that and leave, but he just walked over to sit on the couch. “I’ll be back.”

 

“I’ll be here.”

 

“Did you bring something fun?” Kavinsky asked as he went to pass Rona to go upstairs to the shower.

 

Ronan removed a bottle of rum out of his bag. “As ordered, Your Majesty.” Ronan removed the bottle cap and went to find glasses. “Hurry the fuck up.”

 

Heart in his mouth, Kavinsky dashed up the stairs to take a quick shower and pull on fresh jeans and a t-shirt. Only when he was clean and dressed, did he realize the joy Ronan had brought him. His mood hadn’t crashed and the drugs were definitely wearing off, now. But, he wasn’t feeling the need to climb into bed and never leave, no, he wanted to go out and do something illegal. He wanted to blow something up. He wanted to light things on fire. He wanted Ronan to fuck him.

 

“Happy now, Lynch?” he asked as he came back downstairs.

 

Ronan was sitting on the couch, arms across the back, sprawled out. He looked like a king on Kavinsky’s couch. “I guess.”

 

“So, what are we doing first? Fucking or drinking? Drinking and fucking? You want to light some shit on fire? I’m dying to light something on fire.” Kavinsky sauntered over and sank down next to Ronan, picking up a glass that was filled with rum. It burned on the way down, but he was immune to the ache.

 

“You’re a fucking pyro, K,” Ronan said, but it wasn’t accusatory, no, Ronan sounded amused.

 

“Arsonist.”

 

Ronan snorted as he picked up his glass and drank his down in one go, too. “We both know you want to fuck.”

 

Kavinsky nodded. “Make me forget about wanting to set something on fire, Lynch.”

 

_Make me forget about my shit moods, about my shit life. Make me forget._

 

The words went unsaid as Ronan leaned over to kiss him, his hands immediately sliding up Kavinsky’s t shirt. The heat of Ronan’s rough palms made his entire body shiver and he felt goosebumps rise over his ribcage. It was unfair how Lynch could make him come undone with a simple touch, but they were alone. No one could see them and Kavinsky felt safe enough to let himself feel vulnerable. Having sex wtih Ronan was the _only_ time he felt safe enough to feel loose, any other time, he insisted on being in control.

 

But the way Ronan’s rough palms scraped along his skin, felt his bones and sinew, the way he was mapping out Kavinsky’s sensitive spots, made him feel safe.

 

After orgasm, Ronan’s first name slipped Kavinsky’s lips. “Ronan,” he whispered, his eyes fluttering. “Ronan.”

 

Ronan was home.

 

* * *

 

 

Blue didn’t like to admit she enjoyed spending time with Gansey and his friends, but that didn’t stop her from sitting in Gansey’s car, listening to music or from being invited to their sacred space or from going to Adam’s dorm to help him study. It felt as if she were going to Yale vicariously through them and it was somehow better than going herself.

 

“Where are you going at this hour?” Calla asked as Blue was pulling on her shoes. It was Saturday and early in the morning, but she wanted to start walking over to Gansey’s place to meet the boys. They were going to some type of fall festival or fair, and they’d invited her to join. Actually, _Ronan_ had been the one to invite her, which from the look on Gansey’s face, had been a big deal.

 

“Out,” she replied as she pulled on a too big cardigan. It was basically a dress on her, but at least she would be warm.

 

“Out _where_?” Calla persisted, her hands on her hips.

 

“Just out. I already told Mom, I’ll be back for dinner.” _Maybe_ she added in her head. Maybe she would have dinner with Gansey, Ronan, Adam, and Noah.

 

“Whatever. Bring me back something from wherever it is you’re going.”

 

Blue nodded and pulled her headphones down over her ears. The wind was almost icy, biting through her cardigan as soon as she stepped outside. Blue wished Persephone hadn’t needed the car, but it was always in high demand at 300 Fox Way. She’d made it a few steps down her driveway, when she saw a black BMW pull up to the curb.

 

The window rolled down and she saw it was Gansey and Ronan. The car vibrated from whatever techno Ronan was listening to and Gansey looked downright miserable. It was comical, to see Ronan so happy and Gansey so displeased. Usually, it was the other way around.

 

“Morning, Jane,” Gansey remarked. “Want a ride?”

 

Removing her headphones, Blue tried not to act as if she were thrilled. “I’m capable of walking, you know… but I guess since you’re _here_ and all.”

 

Gansey had to climb out in order for Blue to get into the back. Noah was in the backseat, too, and he immediately offered her a French toast stick from Burger King. She smiled at him and took the offered food, dipping it into the small container of syrup also offered.

 

“Thanks,” she said. “So, where is this thing anyway?”

 

“Out off of 75,” Gansey said as he turned Ronan’s music down so they could talk. Ronan glared, but didn’t change it back. “We were going to stay all night, until the haunted hayride, is that okay with you Jane?”

 

_I’ll be back by dinner_ , she’d said but Blue was an adult. She was nineteen years old, she could very well make her own decisions. “Yeah, that’s fine. Sounds fun.”

 

“Great! Alright, Ronan, hit it.” Gansey said as he clapped his hands together. Blue caught Ronan’s smirk in the mirror before he took off too fast down the road. “Not that! We’re not on a racetrack.”

 

“You’re a worry wort, Gansey,” Ronan replied, but he slowed down to ten above the legal speed limit regardless.

 

“Where’s Adam?” Blue asked, realizing that they were missing one important person in their group. _Their group_ , she thought again. When had she gone from seeing Gansey as a dick to Gansey and his friends as part of her group? When had _they_ started seeing her as part of their group?

 

“We’re picking him up. It’ll be a tight squeeze, sorry, Ronan insisted on driving.”

 

“I did not insist,” Ronan protested but was cut off as they pulled up next to the curb of Adam’s dorm. He was already standing there in a black jacket and beat up jeans. “Scoot over, Parrish’s gotta fit in the back, too.”

 

Once again, Gansey climbed out of the car to allow Adam to climb in. Blue blushed as she was immediately squashed between Noah and Adam. Both of them apologized, but she realized that she didn’t mind. They both smelled nice and they were both doing their best to not take up so much room.

 

“It’s okay,” she told Noah, once he’d apologized one too many times. “I’m fine.”

 

“If you’re sure?” Noah asked, but when she nodded, he went back to eating his French toast sticks, offering her another.

 

“Have you been to this festival, Jane?” Gansey asked as they made it to the highway. He had his window down, which was making her shiver and accidentally press closer to Adam.

 

“No, I haven’t. Believe it or not, I haven’t been to everything this place has to offer,” Blue replied dryly. Gansey assumed since she’d grown up here, she’d done everything there was to do for fun. The only thing she did regularly was attend one of the main art festivals that happened in the summer each year.

 

Summer.

 

It was far away, but it felt too close just then. “What do you guys plan to do in the summer? Are you leaving? Will you stay here?”

 

There was a silence after that and they all had this shared look of confusion. Perhaps, they hadn’t thought that far ahead. Gansey diffused the situation with a light laugh, “Ronan, Noah, and I are staying here… Adam, too.”

 

Adam frowned, which Blue took note of, but he didn’t protest. From the look on his face, however, he was trying to think of something, as if he didn’t like Gansey’s offer.

 

“Did I bring up a sore subject?” Blue asked, attune to the silence in the car.

 

“No,” Gansey said quickly and dismissively.

 

“ _O-_ kay,” Blue replied with a roll of her eyes. The highway passed them by for a while, until Ronan had had enough of the quiet and he turned up the stereo again. She didn’t mind Ronan’s taste in music, even if it clearly bothered Gansey.

 

They drove an hour away from campus to a smaller town nearby, where there were signs pointing the direction to the festival. Ronan took curbs too tight and she almost ended up in Adam’s lap and Noah in hers, but Adam was able to brace his own body to keep them all from falling on each other.

 

“Jesus, Ronan!” Gansey exclaimed as they finally evened out.

 

“Sorry,” Ronan said, but he didn’t sound sorry. Apologies didn’t seem like they were something Ronan ever said sincerely. “We’re almost there, you better cough up some parking money.”

 

Blue watched Gansey pull out his wallet and hand Ronan a crisp twenty as they pulled up to the fairgrounds. There were already a ton of people and she wasn’t sure they would even find a parking space within the festival grounds. “Are you sure we can find a parking space inside?” she asked, her eyes falling on the people heading toward the festival from parking spots further away.

 

“You don’t know Gansey,” Ronan replied as they pulled up to the workers at the gates. The window rolled down slowly and then Blue watched Gansey transform into _Richard Campbell Gansey III_.

 

“Hello there,” Gansey said with a warm smile. “How much would it cost to get a space inside?”

 

“There aren’t any left, I’m sorry,” the guy replied with a shrug. “You’ll have to turn around.”

 

Gansey pulled out another twenty. “How about now?” he asked, clearly prepared to grab more if needed. The guy stared at the money before pulling out a walkie to talk on.

 

Blue frowned and she glanced Adam in her peripheral. He didn’t look that impressed either.

 

“You can go on in, just follow the road until you get to the handicap parking, there’s one extra space down the row, you can park there.”

 

The guy took Gansey’s money and Gansey smiled and nodded, thanking him as sincerely as he could. Ronan rolled up the window and they were headed down the dirt road to where there were all of the handicap stickered cars. As promised, there was one extra spot open, which Ronan pulled into easily, since it was on the end.

 

“Well, that went wonderfully, and fairly cheaply,” Gansey said as he opened the door to let everyone in the back out. “And, Parrish, before you protest, I’m buying everyone bracelets, because we’re _all_ going to enjoy the events inside. Got it?”

 

“Gansey-.” Adam climbed out of the car and tried to protest. “You can’t just-.”

 

“I can and I am.” As if to prove his point, Gansey sauntered up toward where tickets and even bracelets were being sold.

 

“No point in fighting it, Parrish,” Ronan pointed out as they all went to stand by the gate, waiting for Gansey to return with their bracelets.

 

Blue realized then that if Gansey wanted something, he would get it, no matter what he had to do. Ronan was clearly used to it and Noah was completely oblivious. It was Adam who was bothered. From the set in his jaw and the way he glowered at the ground, he didn’t like when Gansey did anything for him. She wasn’t exactly a fan either, but she knew if she wanted to enjoy the day with them, she’d need help getting in.

 

“You okay?” she whispered to Adam.

 

“Fine,” Adam replied shortly as Gansey returned.

 

“Wrists out!” he exclaimed with a smile, which everyone obliged, even Adam. “Let the adventures begin.”

 

Blue smiled a little. Maybe, just maybe, she’d been wrong about Gansey after all.

 

* * *

 

 

  * __Bored. Come over.__



 

 

Ronan glanced at his phone to see Kavinsky’s name and text displayed on the front. They’d only been at the festival for an hour before K was calling on him like a dog. He rolled his eyes a little and replied back.

 

 

  * __Can’t. I’m out.__



 

  

  * __With who? I’m more fun. Come over, Lynch.__



 

 

  * __I’m out, K.__



 

 

  * __With Gansey?__



 

 

  * __Yes.__



 

 

There wasn’t a reply and Ronan tucked his phone away, only to notice Blue watching him, her eyes had been glancing at his phone. Immediately, he tensed and gave her the darkest look he could muster without Gansey taking note of the change in mood. They were all in line for the Ferris Wheel, and since he and Blue were the last two in line, they ended up in their own carriage.

 

Once the door was shut and they were inside, Blue stared at him for a moment before saying, “You better not rock this thing.”

 

Ronan smirked and shook his head. “Even I’m not that big of a dick.”

 

There was pause of silence between them as the Ferris Wheel started to go up slowly. Ronan’s eyes focused on the ground disappearing and the higher they climbed, the more he wondered if a fall from different heights would kill or only hurt someone.

 

“Is Kavinsky your boyfriend?” Blue asked then, which made him startle a bit. “I mean, it’s okay if he is, I was just wondering.”

 

Ronan turned his eyes on her and ran them over her clothes. Hand-me-downs, her hair a mess and always in her face, barrettes barely keeping it at bay, and the most inquisitive eyes he’d ever seen on another person. Her thigh high socks were shaped like cats and her boots were as blue as her name. She didn’t look malicious or as if she was trying to learn some deep secret about him. Maybe, she’d already known about him and maybe more people than he realized just _knew_. Maybe it was just Gansey was who oblivious.

 

“I don’t know,” Ronan finally admitted with a shrug. “We fuck.”

 

“Do you like him?” she prompted.

 

“He’s an asshole.”

 

“Clearly.”

 

“I don’t think if I like him as a person.” He slowly turned his eyes away, realizing that what he said was true. K was a dick and Ronan had never liked him as a person, but there was something intoxicating about Kavinsky that he couldn’t shake. “He’s a piece of shit who doesn’t care about anyone but himself.”

 

“He cares about you,” Blue replied with so much confidence, it made him look over at her again. “I mean, he texts you, he finds you at parties, I sometimes see him on campus, presumably, looking for you… He clearly cares about you.”

 

Ronan opened his mouth and closed it again. For as long as he could remember, Ronan and his friends had always presumed Kavinsky was heartless, a shell of a person, who had no feelings. He felt nothing and he was a crude son of a bitch, but hearing Blue spell it out for him was like a slap to the face. Part of him, wanted to laugh her off and tell her she had no idea what she was talking about, but then his mind traipsed back over their years in high school. The way Kavinsky had always provoked him, followed him around, had always been in his shadow, and had always tried to usurp Gansey.

 

Kavinsky _cared_ about him, in his own twisted way, which explained the needy text messaging.

 

“Maybe,” Blue said quietly, “he’s lonely.”

 

“Lonely?” Ronan asked, unbelieving.

 

“I mean… You’re always with Gansey, right? When you’re not with him?” Ronan nodded. “Well, maybe he’s lonely because he may not have friends. Does he have friends?”

 

Again, Ronan went to speak and say, _yes_ , but then he had to give pause. The only friends Kavinsky had had in high school had been his gang of miscreants, but they weren’t friends in the same sense he was friends with Gansey, Noah, and Adam. Kavinsky’s gang weren’t the kind of people you could call to pick you up when your car broke down or to just show up at their house with pizza to hang out. And now, Kavinsky was far from his friends, they had graduated and gone their separate ways.

 

Ronan had always assume Kavinsky was the kind of person to make frenemies wherever he went, but as far as Ronan knew, the only person Kavinsky ever saw on a regular basis was _him_. K always texted about being bored and wanting him to entertain him, meaning he had no one else to talk to.

 

“Fuck,” he said out loud as the revelation played over and over in his head.

 

“You could invite him here,” she pointed out. “I mean, Gansey can’t get mad if he just… happens to be here, too.”

 

“Gansey would never want K to hang out with us,” Ronan replied coldly. “They hate each other.”

 

“Even if Gansey knew you two were together?”

 

“Do _not_ tell Gansey,” Ronan growled sharply. “Got it?”

 

She held up her hands in her own defense. “I won’t tell him. I just mean, if he _did_ know, would he still turn him away?”

 

Ronan bit his lip to think it over and if truth was to be told, he had no idea. Gansey could easily dismiss Kavinsky because he was _Kavinsky_ , but if Gansey knew Kavinsky was his…

 

Ronan’s thoughts trailed off into nothingness. Kavinsky was something to him and he had no idea what that something was in English. His phone buzzed again.

 

 

  * __Ditch Gansey, Lynch. He’s not as fun as me.__



 

 

Ronan took a breath and decided to do as Blue had suggested. If he invited Kavinsky and K just happened to show up, what could Gansey do?

 

 

  * __Come to where we are. I’ll send you the address. Leave your drugs at home, K.__



 

  

  * __Wherever you are sounds boring as fuck__



 

 

  * __Do you want to come or not?__



  

 

  * __Where?__



 

 

Ronan smiled a bit and sent the address to him, which was just in time for them to start making their way back down. He could see Gansey gesticulating wildly to Adam about something, with Noah listening as he popped a bubble.

 

“Is he coming?” Blue asked as they climbed out.

 

“Probably.” Ronan shrugged as he shoved his phone back into his back pocket.

 

Gansey glanced back at them and grinned. “Let’s get something to eat, I’m starving.”

 

“Whatever you say, Gansey,” Ronan said.

 

“Perfect. Let’s go!”

 

He and Blue shared a knowing look as they followed behind.

 

* * *

 

 

_Leave your drugs at home._

 

From the looks of the place, it was a family affair, wherever Ronan had ended up on a Saturday. It was a waste of a Saturday in Kavinsky’s opinion, but that didn’t stop him from purchasing a stupid bracelet and walking in, phone in hand, cigarette hanging out of his mouth, unlit, eyes focused on typing.

 

 

  * __If this ends up being bullshit, Lynch, you fucking owe me.__



 

  

  * __We’re at the bumper cars. Come prove to me that you’re better at driving them than you are at racing.__



 

 

Kavinsky smirked and tucked his phone away, walking with an ease in his stride. The dark cloud was gone from over his head and he was on an upswing. The air was chilly, but his black jacket cut down on the cold. There were children running around, screaming, which immediately grated on his nerves, but Kavinsky did his best to keep his face straight and from snapping at them. A couple of kids stopped to stare at him and the tattoos creeping out from under his collar and the edges of his sleeves.

 

Ronan was up ahead, in line behind Gansey. _Fucking Gansey_.

 

His jaw clenched immediately as he caught sight of Gansey’s ugly mug. Adam tapped Gansey on the shoulder, then, and pointed directly at him. There was no hiding, so Kavinsky sauntered up with a grin on his face, plucking the still unlit cigarette from his mouth to hold.

 

“What’s up, faggots? Crazy meeting you here,” he said with a wry grin. Ronan rolled his eyes.

 

“Kavinsky?” Gansey asked, his eyebrows shooting up. “Are you lost? This is a family place… The degenerate trash convention is next week.”

 

That made him bristle, but he did his best to keep his face in check. Gansey didn’t need to know how much he crept under Kavinsky’s skin. “You know, Dick, I hope you drive those things better than you do that ugly piece of shit you call a car. I’ll be on the sidelines cackling when a three year old kicks your ass.”

 

Gansey just smiled and turned back to Adam to continue the conversation they’d been having before he’d shown up. Dismissed. He’d been forgotten quickly and with the classic Gansey Politeness™. He turned cold eyes onto Ronan, who was avoiding looking at him now.

 

“Still here?” Gansey asked when they moved up a bit in line, looking at Kavinsky where he stood, staring at Ronan. “Go find something else to do, Kavinsky, and stop stalking us.”

 

Kavinsky continued to stare at Ronan, wondering if Ronan would say he’d invited him himself, but Ronan didn’t say anything. He glanced in his direction once, but then it was as if they didn’t even know one another. Kavinsky’s eyes narrowed as he was tempted to punch Gansey in the side of the head, just to get a reaction out of Ronan, but instead he stormed off in the opposite direction. Gansey said something else to him, something about trash, but he ignored it and just kept walking.

 

He needed that fucking cigarette.

 

* * *

 

 

“Who are you texting?”

 

Ronan glanced up at Gansey from where he was sitting at a picnic table. After the bumper cars, they had stopped to rest for a while and because Blue needed to pee. “No one,” he replied quietly, eyes flicking back to the screen. He’d sent Kavinsky several provoking texts and hadn’t heard back. Usually, Kavinsky was easy to bait; always willing to call him a faggot or pussy.

 

Not this time.

 

“Ronan, you’re hiding something from me, and it’s starting to bother me,” Gansey said, sinking down across from him heavily. “Tell me what’s going on. Is it Kavinsky? Is he bugging you again?”

 

Ronan slowly glanced back at the conversation he was having, which was now one sided. K was ignoring him completely and Ronan didn’t blame him. Maybe if he said the Mitsubishi was a piece of shit and needed a few dents to make it look nicer.

 

“Ronan!”

 

Ronan gasped when Gansey reached over and attempted to take his phone. They fought over the device until it ended up on the ground, where Gansey bent down to pick it up. Ronan’s face turned red when Gansey began to look at the conversation. His face went from blank to his brows knitting together to him scrolling up and then he quickly shoved the phone back into Ronan’s hands. They stared at each other, Ronan daring Gansey to say something, and Gansey at a complete loss for words.

 

“Happy now?” Ronan asked, his voice low and quiet. “You happy to _know_ now?”

 

“Why didn’t you…” Gansey trailed off, his ears bright pink at what he’d seen on the phone screen. Kavinsky could be extremely lewd and graphic in text form, too. “Why didn’t you tell me, Ronan?”

 

“Because I knew you wouldn’t understand,” Ronan whispered, his eyes dropping to where Gansey had stopped scrolling. The picture made him smirk a little.

 

“I don’t care that you’re…”

 

“Gay, just say it Gansey.”

 

“Gay,” Gansey said slowly. “I don’t care that you’re gay, Ronan. But… _Kavinsky_? Really?”

 

Of course.

Of course Gansey would judge him for sleeping with Kavinsky.

 

It shouldn’t have surprised him, but it was quick to rub him the wrong way. Who was Gansey to tell him who or who not to sleep with? Ronan’s hands gripped his phone tightly until his knuckles turned white.

 

“We just fuck,” Ronan said dismissively. “We’re not _together_.”

 

“Do you want to be?” Gansey countered. “Together with him?”

 

Ronan snorted. “You know Kavinsky, he can’t be with people. He can barely stand himself.” The words didn’t come out as confidently as they would have before the conversation he had with Blue.

 

“Then why is he here? There’s no way he would have just come here willingly,” Gansey continued, mulling it over himself. “Did you ask him to come here?”

 

“What do you want me to say, Gansey?” Ronan asked, staring at his phone, willing K to text him back. “Yes, I asked him to come. I told him to show up and that you couldn’t get pissed if he was just _here_.”

 

Gansey ran his hands over his hair and face. “Ronan, I don’t like Kavinsky, I didn’t think you liked him either. I mean, you guys have always had _something_ going on between you, but I never pictured it as good. He gets you into trouble, he almost killed you with his drugs, and he’s a bad influence… But…”

 

Ronan looked up, hanging onto that but harder than he should have. “But what?”

 

“ _But_ , if you are… I mean, if you two are… sleeping together and you feel as if you have to hide it, then that’s not good and I don’t want you to hide things from us. From _me_. I don’t promise to not hate Kavinsky, because he’s a piece of shit, but I guess I can give him a chance, for you.”

 

Trying to keep his face even, Ronan did his best not to grin or act overly ecstatic, but he did feel a tinge of happiness fill his chest. Maybe if Kavinsky was able to hang out with them, their good behavior would rub off on him, and he’d clean his act up enough to be an acceptable human being. It was a start, at least.

 

Now, he just needed Kavinsky to text him back.

 

 

  * __Kavinsky. Fucking text me back you asshole. Gansey said you could come back, so you better do it before he changes his mind. We can do bumper cars again, you can whoop Gansey’s ass, the world will right itself again.__



 

 

“Thanks, Gansey,” Ronan said quietly, just for them to hear. Gansey nodded a little in acknowledgement. “Don’t tell him what I said.”

 

“About what?”

 

“That we’re not together. I think he thinks… Just don’t tell him.”

 

Gansey shrugged. “Sure.”

 

The phone finally buzzed and even though it wasn’t possible, Ronan was fairly certain the phone buzzed in annoyance.

 

 

  * __Tell Gansey to suck my dick.__



 

 

  * __I thought you only wanted me to do that.__



 

  

  * __Don’t be gay, Lynch. Where the fuck are you?__



 

  

  * __Picnic bench near the bathroom by the food__



 

 

  * __Whatever.__



 

 

Ronan set his phone aside. In Kavinsky speak, that was a ‘See you in a minute’, and he couldn’t help but feel happier than when he’d started.

 

“Is he coming?” Gansey asked.

 

“Yeah. I think he wants a rematch at the bumper cars,” Ronan replied as his eyes scanned the crowd for Kavinsky. It wasn’t hard to pick him out, with his hood pulled up over his head, cigarette in his mouth, even if smoking was banned on the fairgrounds, and his jacket unzipped revealing his usual white tank top and gold chain. Tight dark jeans and the fucking boots. Kavinsky was a walking billboard for being bad.

 

“You know, you can’t smoke in here,” Gansey commented as Kavinsky joined them cautiously.

 

Ronan watched K draw some smoke in and blow it in Gansey’s face. Gansey coughed and glared at him with annoyance.

 

“So?” Kavinsky said calmly, as if he hadn’t just choked Gansey with the cigarette smoke. “You think I give a fuck, princess?”

 

Ronan took Kavinsky’s cigarette from his fingers and put it out, much to Kavinsky’s glower. “Smoking will kill you,” he said, trying to keep his face straight and blank.

 

“I left my fuckin’ pills at home, like you said, Lynch, so you better not take another one of my smokes again.” Kavinsky began to drum his fingers along the picnic table since he had nothing else to do with his hands. “The fuck are we waiting on?”

 

“Jane,” Gansey replied. “Oh, there she is. God, girls take a long time in the bathroom. I almost forgot.”

 

Ronan watched Blue rejoin them, giving him a little private smile when she saw Kavinsky sitting with them. K was clearly uncomfortable and on edge; it was either because he was jonesing or because he wasn’t used to being with them, as part of their group.

 

“So, what are we doing now?” Blue asked.

 

“Bumper cars again,” Gansey replied. “Let’s go. Kavinsky, keep the sexist comments to yourself.”

 

Kavinsky’s jaw clenched, but Ronan placed a hand on his shoulder to keep him from launching across the table at Gansey. “Let’s go, K,” Ronan said quietly, only for him to hear.

 

“You owe me, Lynch,” Kavinsky snarled in his ear as they walked off.

 

The group quickly fell into the usual pattern. Adam, Ronan, and Gansey all walking together, while Blue walked with Noah, discussing something on Noah’s phone. Ronan glanced back beyond Blue and Noah’s head, to see Kavinsky following in their shadows, hood up again, smoking furiously, free hand in his pocket.

 

Neither of them were the type of people to hold hands or show affection toward each other in public, so Ronan shook his head and let it go. Kavinsky was a big boy, he could take care of himself. If he wanted to socialize, he would socialize, and it wasn't Ronan’s job to make him feel included, especially when the tension was already so thick and charged. This wasn’t their norm and Kavinsky was not a _socializing_ kind of guy.

 

He was a party, blow things up, get ridiculously high, smoke like a chimney kind of guy. Not a Gansey guy, and Ronan knew it was taking a lot out of Gansey to tolerate Kavinsky in their near vicinity, almost as an equal. The bumper car line was practically empty, so Gansey paid the guy to let them have the ride to themselves.

 

“Going to kick your ass, Gansey,” Kavinsky said as he put his cigarette out and went to claim a car. “You, too, Lynch.”

 

Ronan rolled his eyes as he selected the car he’d driven the first time around. Blue and Noah chose a car together, leaving Adam and Gansey to their own. Ronan kept his eyes on K, since he wasn’t sure if he would be over aggressive with Gansey and what _that_ would cause. If he had to break up a fight in a bumper car rink…

 

Ronan shook his head as the bumper cars were turned on and Kavinsky shot off as fast as the car would allow him. He looked comical, folded up in it, since he was so damn tall. Ronan grinned and followed behind, ready to knock Adam back a few feet. The world blurred by and for a moment, they all forgot about hating one another, about the tension, and Ronan was able to see Kavinsky throw his head back and laugh when he crashed into Gansey, which made Gansey turn around and come after him.

 

They were happy, they were having fun, they were being _normal_. There were no social boundaries and they forgot about the fights, the nasty words, the fucked up behavior. Just for a moment, they were able to be a group of boys (and Blue) having a good time, like old friends did.

 

The record scratch across the moment came when both Adam and Gansey double teamed Kavinsky and the ride ended. Kavinsky’s car smashed back into the wall, making his body jerk, and then he couldn’t enact his revenge. It was over and from the look on his face, he was ready to blow up. His fuse had always been short, but losing to Gansey was a different kind blow.

 

Ronan slowly stood up and began to walk over, watching carefully as Kavinsky climbed out of his car. Everything that happened after felt like slow motion. Gansey and Adam high fived, Kavinsky walked over, determination in his step, and then Ronan was between them just as Kavinsky took a swing.

 

Now, he’d been punched before, even by Kavinsky. He’d had his teeth knocked hard enough to make his jaw bleed, he carted black eyes like medals, and Ronan was used to getting his ass kicked by Declan. But when Kavinsky’s fist connected with the side of his head, the world spun so violently, he felt his body falling over without being able to catch his hands on anything to break the fall.

 

“Ronan!” Gansey cried as he reached for him, but Ronan was already crashing and smacking up against the wall, only to bounce off enough to slide to the floor.

 

The world was ringing and spinning in violent circles. Ronan weakly reached up to touch the side of his head where his temple was sore. The motion made him grimace. “Fuck!” he managed to say, his voice louder than he’d intended it to be.

 

The ride attendants were threatening to call security if they didn’t go _now_ , so Gansey began to help Ronan stand up. He stumbled a few times, but they managed to walk off. The world was still spinning and his head was aching so strongly, Ronan had to pause to vomit in a trashcan next to the ride. The stench of the garbage made him vomit more. Someone was rubbing his back in an act of comfort.

 

Ronan didn’t look to see if Kavinsky was still around. He could hear Gansey in the background talking to someone sternly, which was probably K. He was probably telling Kavinsky to get the fuck out of there, while Ronan recovered from feeling as if he’d never walk in a straight line again.

 

“You’re bleeding,” came Noah’s calm voice. “His ring got you.”

 

Ronan reached up with a shaking hand to feel his temple and Noah was right. His fingers came away bloody. “Shit.”

 

“It’ll be okay,” Noah continued gently, always so gentle and kind. “He feels bad, you can tell.”

 

“He’s a fucking idiot,” Ronan said, his voice low and even, hoping he could keep his eyes open without pain.

 

“Ronan, I think we should take you to a-,” Gansey began but Ronan cut him off.

 

“Don’t say hospital, I”m fine. I can handle getting hit.”

 

“You’re not fine, you should see yourself!” Gansey said, his voice getting louder, showing off his anxiety better than his facial expressions. “He hit you hard-.”

 

“Yeah, I got that, Gansey.” Ronan took a deep breath through his nose and slowly let it out, before straightening his spine and starting to walk away. The lightheadedness was leaving and the urge to shut his eyes was dissipating. “I’m alright.”

 

Gansey fell into step with him, talking quietly. “He meant to do that to me, didn’t he?”

 

“Yes,” Ronan replied stiffly. “Would have busted your nose up and gotten blood all over your shoes. Couldn’t have that.”

 

“But why, what did I…” Gansey trailed off as he realized he’d simply won the game. The stupid, bumper cars, which Kavinsky had taken too personally. “And you want to be _with_ him? He hit you-.”

 

“He was aiming for you,” Ronan reminded him darkly. “Just let it go, Gansey. Go on another ride, I need to go sit down.”

 

“Well, let me at least sit with you,” Gansey said, but Ronan raised his hand sharply. “Ronan…”

 

“I’m going to sit down and you are going to leave me alone.” It wasn’t a question, it was a statement. It was quickly understood that Ronan needed some alone time.

 

“Fine, but in an hour, I’m coming to find you,” Gansey finally conceded as he turned to gather the group up to go do something else on their own.

 

Ronan continued onward, hands in his pockets, and head ducked down. There was a buzz in his pocket.

 

 

  * __You have a hard head, Lynch. My hand is fucking bruised.__



 

 

That was the closest Ronan would get to an apology and he knew it.

 


	8. Chapter 8

There was not enough hot glue left in the glue gun and there was nothing open nearby to satisfy his hot glueing needs. So, Gansey sat up alone in the living area of the firehouse, staring out one of the windows on a chair, cross legged. It was raining, the windows had become waterfalls of their own, distorting the outside world. Every now and again, a car would pass by, lighting up the room with its lights, and then he would plummet back into the dim light the night gave him. 

 

Gansey didn’t want Ronan to be with Kavinsky. 

 

He didn’t care that Ronan was gay. He didn’t care that Ronan hadn’t told him for so long and had told the others. The only thing he  _ did _ care about was that Ronan had chosen Kavinsky as his experiment. Kavinsky was by no means good enough for Ronan. Gansey was certain he could find a more suitable partner for Ronan if Ronan had asked. 

 

Yet, he was doing his damndest to act like it didn’t bother him. His social skills came into play there, but Gansey had a feeling Ronan knew he did not approve. Kavinsky was not good for Ronan. 

 

He had never been good for Ronan, but this was worse. Much worse. 

 

“Why are you still up?” came Noah’s quiet voice, making him startle. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.” 

 

“It’s okay, Noah,” Gansey replied quietly, so as not to wake Ronan. Of course, Ronan probably had his headphones on and wasn’t even asleep. They were all a bunch of insomniacs. 

 

“You okay?” Noak asked. 

 

Gansey sighed dramatically and shook his head. “It’s Ronan.” 

 

“Is it Ronan… or is it Kavinsky?” 

 

God, Noah was smarter than people gave him credit. Gansey slowly plucked his glasses off of his face and began to rub them clean on his shirt. That was never the best way to clean glasses, but he did it anyway. “Kavinsky isn’t good enough for him, he’s the worst kind of trash, who needs to get out of our lives. His obsession with Ronan has gone on long enough.” 

 

Noah came to sit at his feet, staring up at him. “Have you told Ronan this?” 

 

Gansey let out a loud bark of laughter, which he quickly slammed a hand over his mouth afterward. They both sat in silence, listening to see if Ronan came to investigate, but there was only the sound of a clock ticking and the rain pattering on the windowpanes. “Do you think I’m suicidal?” he whispered then. “Or crazy?” 

 

Noah shook his head. “No, but I think you shouldn’t tell him that you approve when you don’t.” 

 

“I haven’t told him I approve, I just  _ haven’t _ told him I don’t,” Gansey lamented quietly. “I know I should tell him how I feel, but is it really my business? Ronan’s nineteen, he can do what he wants…” 

 

“But?” Noah prompted, his voice so soft and gentle, like he was talking to a wild animal. 

 

“But,” Gansey conceded, “I don’t want him to get hurt and Kavinsky is nothing but trouble.” 

 

“Then, as his friend, you have to decide,” Noah whispered. 

 

“Decide what?” 

 

“Decide if you’re going to be his real friend and tell him the truth or if you’re going to be the kind of friend who isn’t a friend. The kind of friend that lies.” Noah stood up then and brushed his pants off. “Good night, Gansey.” 

 

Gansey watched Noah go before slowly turning to face the window again. It stopped raining. 

 


	9. Chapter 9

The disappearing patter of rain on the roof was what woke him. Kavinsky’s eyes slowly opened as he started to sit up, rubbing his hand and then reaching to rub his neck. The couch had not been the smartest decision for sleeping, he realized in hindsight. It was past two in the morning and it was no longer raining, which was had lulled him to sleep to begin with. The house felt overly quiet and empty, with the only sound outside being the muffled noise of the ocean. 

 

Cigarettes sat on the coffee table, along with the new Zippo he’d stolen. Kavinsky picked one up to light, placing it between his lips, eyes turning to his phone to see if Ronan had texted or called. Of course, he hadn’t. It wasn’t surprising, considering he’d decked Ronan earlier on accident. Apologies were not his strongpoint, so he’d only vaguely attempted to apologize by commenting on Ronan’s ridiculously hard head. 

 

Drawing in enough smoke to make his lungs burn, Kavinsky began to debate on trying a real apology. Ronan was awake, he was sure of it, since Ronan slept less than he did. But he didn’t know how to start an apology. The only thing he knew how to do well was buy things and give them away like they meant nothing to him. Surely, Ronan wanted  _ something _ . 

 

Kavinsky grabbed his phone to call Ronan, hoping he was right on Ronan being awake. Otherwise, he would actually feel bad for waking him. Insomnia wasn’t something he wished on anyone. The only way he got to sleep and stayed that way was usually with drugs. 

 

The phone rang once before Ronan’s voice came on the other line, quiet, but not tired. “Do you know what time it is?” 

 

“What do you want?” Kavinsky asked. 

 

“What do you mean what do I want? You called me, Kavinsky-.” 

 

“I mean,” he corrected. He trailed off, realizing he would have to basically apologize to figure out what to buy him. 

 

“I’m hanging up in two seconds, K,” Ronan grumbled, sounding more tired than he’d let on previously. “If this is some weird form of foreplay, I’m not into it.” 

 

“Forget it,” Kavinsky snapped in annoyance as he hung up. 

 

Ronan didn’t call back. 


	10. Chapter 10

“Hey, Jane,” came Gansey’s voice, making her look up from her book at the front desk of the library. It was a slow day, barely a student had walked in needing help. Not that she did much, all she did was look up numbers and point kids in the right direction. 

 

“Are you lost?” she asked him, unable to stop the jab from coming out of her mouth. 

 

“No, that line would only work if Ronan walked in here,” he replied with a smile. “When are you getting off work?” 

 

Blue glanced at the clock on the computer screen. “In fifteen minutes,” she said, sounding surprised. Where had the time gone? 

 

“Great,” Gansey said with a huge smile. “Want to have dinner with me?” 

 

“With you?” She stared at him blankly. “Just you?” 

 

Gansey’s face flashed a hint of hurt, but then the Gansey public mask was back. “Yes, unless that’s bothering you? Adam and Noah have a night class, and Ronan is…” He trailed off and Blue could see the anger on his face. 

 

“Kavinsky?” she asked. 

 

“I don’t know,” he admitted. “Hasn’t texted me back.” 

 

“So, probably.” Blue smiled a little as she marked her place in the book she was reading. 

 

“Why are you smiling?” 

 

“Because Ronan is happy?” Blue glanced at the clock and wondered how much trouble she would get in if she clocked out fifteen minutes early. “Aren’t you supposed to be happy when your friends are happy? Where are we eating?” 

 

“Oh, um, I had a place in mind. My treat.” Gansey tapped his fingers along the desk, fidgeting. “I want to be happy, it’s just…” 

 

“You dislike his boyfriend,” Blue finished for him, finally deciding to just go ahead and clock out. It wasn’t as if anyone was around anyway. 

 

“Ronan says they’re not  _ together _ , but from the way he spends time with him, you’d think they were.” Gansey shook his head, trying to forget about it. “But that isn’t what I want to talk about. I was actually wondering what you were doing for the Fall Break? Are you working?” 

 

“Nope, library is closed, which  _ sucks _ for me,” Blue muttered as she gathered her stuff up. “Means I lose a paycheck.” 

 

“Oh…” Gansey quickly hopped up to follow her toward the front door. “Well, if you’re not doing anything, maybe you would like to join Adam, Noah, Ronan, and myself on the trip we’re taking. We’re going back to Henrietta, where we’re from, to stay at the place we used to live. Just for fun.” 

 

Blue stared at him in surprise. Going to dinner with Gansey was one thing, going to a fair was another, but spending a week with Gansey’s friends? That was something else entirely. “You want me to come?” she asked, unable to hide the surprise she felt. 

 

“Yes. I mean, I asked Ronan and Noah and they said yes, and I was planning on asking Adam later tonight… So, if you’re in, then I’m sure Adam won’t mind. Really. It’ll be fun… As long as Ronan doesn’t insist on driving and playing that godawful music.” 

 

They were heading toward where Gansey had left his Camaro. It was parked beneath a tree just outside that was starting to turn red at the edges. “So, where are we going?” she asked. 

 

“There’s this great place just off the highway that Ronan and I go to… I’ve never taken anyone else there, actually.” Gansey laughed at himself a bit as he instinctively opened her door. She glared up at him. “Sorry,” he winced, remembering last minute she hated when he did that. 

 

“You’re forgiven,” Blue said as she went to slide in, “This time.” 

 

Gansey smiled. “Thanks, Jane.” 

 

Part of her knew he needed to talk about Ronan, but now she just had to wait him out. Either, Gansey would move back to the subject or they would talk about empty things like the weather. They drove mostly in silence, minus the roar of the Camaro’s engine and the sound of the traffic on the highway. It wasn’t far, but it was enough for Blue to notice Gansey’s little tics. The way he couldn’t stop moving, and the way he would glance at her in his peripherals, and the way he parked the car perfectly straight. She’d never met someone who could park their car perfectly straight the first time. 

 

_ The Silver Spoon _ . The neon sign was a red eyesore in the night sky. Blue wondered if the irony was lost on Gansey.  _ Probably _ , she thought as he, once again, opened the door for her. The waitress was super sweet as she sat them down and then went to pick up their drinks; a Coke and a Coke Zero. The Coke Zero was for Gansey. 

 

“You know, it sort of surprises me to see you in a place like this,” Blue admitted. “I mean, no offense, it just doesn’t seem like your kind of place.” 

 

“It isn’t,” Gansey admitted with a laugh. “But Ronan and I were  _ starving _ one night, so we just pulled over at the only place around. Turns out, the food was really great.” 

 

“Oh,” Blue said. “Well, I’ll hold you to that when the food comes back.” 

 

They talked about a few other empty subjects; what Gansey was doing for Halloween in a few weeks (a party probably or maybe a movie marathon), what he was doing over the weekend (homework), and finally they moved around to the weather. It was all mostly boring, but Blue didn’t push the subject of Ronan and Kavinsky, even if she wanted to. Eventually, after they’d ordered and the food was sitting in front of them, Gansey began to pick at his plate more than eat. 

 

“Are you okay?” she prompted. 

 

Gansey set his fork down calmly and folded his hands on the table. “Do you think I should be happy for Ronan?” 

 

“I think I can’t tell you how to feel,” Blue replied. “Neither can he.” 

 

“But… As his friend, as his  _ best _ friend, I should feel happy for him. No matter how I feel about the trash he’s dating.” Gansey swallowed a lump in his throat. “That was cruel of me, I shouldn’t have said it that way.” 

 

Blue shrugged a little. “I’m not exactly a fan of him myself,” she admitted. “The other day, he pushed me out of the way and called me a midget. Didn’t even recognize me after I’ve sort of met him several times… But, Ronan is happy, which makes me happy, because he doesn’t seem like a person who is generally happy most of the time.” 

 

“You’re right,” Gansey whispered. “Ronan’s been through a lot… and I want him to be happy, I do, but sometimes, he comes home from being with Kavinsky, and he’s more miserable. Sometimes he’s happy, but mostly he’s just miserable.” 

 

“Has he said he’s miserable?” 

 

“No,” Gansey said. 

 

“Then maybe he’s not as miserable as you think.” 

 

Gansey shook his head a little and the subject seemed as if it were dropped. “Thanks, Jane,” he said, taking a firm bite of his meal. 

 

Blue sighed and turned her eyes back to her dinner. He was right, the food was great. 

 

* * *

 

 

“You’re leaving town?” 

 

Ronan nodded a few times as he got dressed. “Yeah, going to Henrietta,” Ronan replied. 

 

Kavinsky was staring at him from the bed, while Ronan was pulling on his clothes. “Why?” 

 

“Gansey wants to go.” Ronan glanced back at Kavinsky and saw him trying to pretend that it didn’t bother him. “Why, you want to go, too?” 

 

“No,” Kavinsky said with a dramatic roll of his eyes. “Why would I want to spend a week listening to Dick Gansey running his fucking mouth and ruining my entire week?” 

 

Ronan wanted to point out that he would be there, but that would imply that they cared about one another. They didn’t talk about it. “Well, I have to go. We leave on Thursday afternoon. I’m sure you could come, too. But you’d have to leave-.” 

 

“The drugs at home,” Kavinsky muttered bitterly as he grabbed his cigarettes. He always smoked after sex. “Yeah, I’ve heard that before, Lynch. You staying at that atrocious pile of junk you call an apartment?” 

 

“Yes,” Ronan replied. “Kavinsky.” Kavinsky looked over at him, holding the Zippo in his hand. “If you come, don’t call it that. Got it?” 

 

Kavinsky rolled his eyes. “Whatever, pussy.” 

 

Ronan sighed as he leaned down to whisper in his ear, “You’re the pussy,” before turning and walking out of the bedroom and back outside to the BMW. He glanced once back at the house and thought on going back inside and making himself at home in Kavinsky’s living room. 

 

Gansey texting was enough to draw him out of his stupid domestic fantasy. 

 

 

  * __I need you to pick me up. Car’s broken down.__



 

 

Ronan rolled his eyes a little. 

 

 

  * __Where? I’m with K.__



 

 

 

  * __I got off of the 75, I’m on St Rt 15.__



 

 

 

  * __The fuck you doing there?__



 

 

 

  * __You know that project I had for my history class? I went to check out that old house I told you about. Car broke down before I even got there. Adam’s in class and Noah gets lost too easily. Please, don’t bring him with you.__



 

 

Ronan glared at the phone, tempted to walk right back into Kavinsky’s house, and tell him to get dressed, and get in the fucking car. Better yet, they’d drive Kavinsky’s car. 

 

 

  * __Don’t be an asshole, Gansey. Keep it up and I’ll drive his car over.__



 

 

 

  * __I don’t need him being a dick the entire time we’re trying to fix the car. Not as if he he has a life skill that’s useful besides ‘can drive really fast and get away with being pulled over.’__



 

 

 

  * __Gansey. Stop.__



 

 

 

  * __Just hurry up, Ronan.__



 

 

Ronan took a deep breath to calm himself down, but he couldn’t stop himself from going back inside and up the stairs. Kavinsky startled when Ronan appeared in the doorway. “Get dressed,” he said. “We’re going for a drive.” 

 

* * *

 

The world was quiet except for the occasional whisper in the leaves as the breeze picked up. Gansey sat against the front tire of the Camaro, away from the road, so he didn’t get run over, but it was nice enough outside, he didn’t feel like sitting in the car to wait. The road was just as quiet, he couldn’t hear a single car coming down the road, but he knew it would take Ronan a bit to drive down. He was at least two hours away from campus, meaning he was on his own for a while. 

 

He was tempted to call Blue, out of boredom, but then he had no idea what he would walk about. Adam was too busy in class and Noah was, well, Noah. Gansey sighed, pressing his head back against the car, his eyes slowly shutting. If only he hadn’t been so damn insistent on making a good research paper, a great one with photos he took of the sight. The house was haunted, Gansey was sure of it, even though no one else believed him. 

 

Gansey checked the time. He’d called Ronan thirty minutes ago, and with the way Ronan drove, he could cut the two hour drive down to an hour and a half, if not an hour. He just hoped, they could get the Camaro started without Adam’s help, because if they needed Adam, they would have to wait even longer. Adam was out of class in another hour, but then  _ Adam _ would have to drive out, too. 

 

He shut his eyes and listened to the breeze until his mind forgot how long it had been, and he was coming to because there was the sound of a car. A loud car. Definitely a car Ronan would drive.  

 

“Finally,” Gansey said as he stood up, his face quickly going from happy to politely blank. “Kavinsky,” he said, as both Ronan and Kavinsky got out of the car. 

 

“Dick,” Kavinsky said as he walked up to the car to peer into the hood. 

 

Gansey stared at Ronan who was smirking at him over the roof of the car, clearly pleased with himself. “You know something about cars?” Gansey asked, actually hoping Kavinsky knew  _ something _ about fixing cars. He knew a little from Adam helping him over the years, but this time, he had no idea what had happened. 

 

“Maybe,” Kavinsky replied as he looked a little more and then took a step back. 

 

“Well?” Gansey asked, completely on edge. If Kavinsky actually knew nothing and had messed around, like Kavinsky was want to do, Gansey wasn’t sure if he would be able to hold back. He wasn’t the kind of person to start a fight, but punching Kavinsky sounded better and better. 

 

“It’s shot,” Kavinsky replied as he fished around for a cigarette. 

 

Gansey opened his mouth and then rounded on Ronan. “You think this is funny, Ronan?” he asked, trying to stay calm, but it was failing. His walls were failing. “You think it’s funny to bring him here?” 

 

“You know, I’m right here,” Kavinsky said. “I can hear you.” 

 

“Gansey,” Ronan warned quietly. “Enough.” 

 

“I didn’t ask you, Kavinsky,” Gansey snapped, finally starting to lose his composure. “Ronan, you can _ not _ be with him. You can’t. How can you… How can you be with someone who doesn’t care about anyone but himself? With someone who used to stalk you in high school, someone who snorts more drugs than he eats food, and the asshole, piece of Jersey trash, that used to treat you like garbage?!” 

 

Ronan’s jaw visibly set, his face going from smarmy to truly angry. “Gansey. Enough.” 

 

“Ronan, I’m telling you this because you’re my friend and I can’t  _ lie _ to you. I can’t tell you that he’s a good person and that I’m okay with whatever it is you two are doing together.” Gansey finally drew back and began to walk down the road away from the two of them. He couldn’t stand it anymore.It was too much. 

 

“Wait here,” Gansey heard Ronan say, but he walked faster, hoping to make it to the house before it became night. “Gansey, wait!” 

 

“Go away, Ronan.” 

 

“ _ You _ called me,” Ronan reminded him as he caught up, falling into step with him. “Stop.” 

 

“No.” 

 

“Gansey.” 

 

Gansey stopped and spun around to face Ronan, making Ronan skid to a stop before they collided. “What, Ronan?” 

 

“Take it back,” Ronan whispered. “What you said about him, take it back.” 

 

“Not if it’s true, and it is, and we both know it.” Gansey shook his head and threw up his arms in defeat. “He’s trash, Ronan. He’s always been trash and he will always be trash. We all know it. He knows it. You have to wake up and realize that he’s not this grand mythology that you’ve built up in your head. He’s just using you.” 

 

Ronan’s jaw clenched and unclenched. For a moment, Gansey thought Ronan was going to deck him. “You call him trash, but he’s not the one yelling at you in the street and insulting you as loudly as possible,” he whispered. “So, I would possibly re-evaluate who is trash and who isn’t. We came to help you, but if you don’t want help, then we can leave.” 

 

Gansey glanced beyond Ronan’s head to where Kavinsky was standing, leaning back against Ronan’s BMW, his head down toward the ground. He took a deep, shaking breath, and remembered his conversation with Blue.  _ Shouldn’t you be happy if he is?  _ She’d asked. He sighed and finally decided to give it one try. 

 

“If he says one thing that makes me angry,” Gansey said, his voice a warning. Ronan nodded once. “Can he fix it?” 

 

“He’s good with cars,” Ronan replied with a shrug. 

 

“Fine.” 

 

Ronan turned and began to head back, but Gansey waited for a moment. There was a wound between them now, a large slash that was coated in Kavinsky’s blood. Gansey didn’t want to lose Ronan over Kavinsky, but he could feel Ronan slipping away and it was enough to make his heart hurt. 

 

“He doesn’t want me here, Ronan,” Kavinsky was saying as Gansey approached and then he snapped, “The fuck do you looking at, Dick?”

 

Gansey drew in a deep breath. “Can you fix the car, Kavinsky?” 

 

There was a long bout of silence, where they stared at one another, looking unhappy to be in each other’s vicinity. Ronan was carefully positioned halfway between them, as if he was ready to stop a fight, which was probably true. 

 

“I don’t know,” Kavinsky finally said, “but I can look at it and tell you what’s wrong.” 

 

Gansey slowly stepped aside to let him approach the Pig. “Just, don’t mess it up more.” 

 

“He won’t,” Ronan said as he also stepped to the side, his body tense. 

 

Kavinsky waited, staring at them, until Ronan nodded a little, and then he pushed off from Ronan’s car to walk over and disappear under the hood. Gansey turned away, so he didn’t have to see  _ Kavinsky _ looking at his car and working on it. It was such a backward image that it made his stomach hurt. Not to mention, Ronan was glaring at him. 

 

“Stop it, Ronan,” Gansey whispered. “I know you’re mad, but you don’t have to stare at me like that.” 

 

“He’s coming with us to Henrietta,” Ronan said then, which was a curveball that Gansey hadn’t expected. 

 

“ _ What _ ?” Gansey hissed. “Ronan-.” 

 

“He’s coming with us, Gansey. He’s working on your car and you owe him.” Ronan crossed his arms over his chest. “Got it?” 

 

There was a long look shared between them, a battle of wills. Gansey knew Ronan would win, because  it was Ronan. Eventually, Gansey looked away and stared at the ground. “Only if he doesn’t throw a party or get so high he wrecks Monmouth up, got it? I don’t want him in there, Ronan… I don’t… That’s our space. Mine, yours, Noah’s, and Adam’s. Not his. You got pissed when you thought he was in there once, you got mad about it, and I got mad… but here you are   _ inviting _ him there.” 

 

“People change, Gansey,” Ronan replied before Kavinsky swore loud enough to make them both turn and look. 

 

Gansey hurried over to try and see what was going on. “What happened? What did you do?” 

 

“Your fucking nasty car just spit green fluid at me!” Kavinsky snarled. “I’m a fucking mess-.” 

 

“Language,” Gansey said out of habit, but Kavinsky just shot him a look of annoyance. “Look, Kavinsky, if you can’t fix it, we’ll call Adam.” 

 

Kavinsky stepped back to wipe at his shirt, but it only made it worse. “Your car is a piece of shit,” he said, which was not the right thing to say. Not at all. 

 

Gansey shot Ronan a look, but managed to keep his composure since he’d told Ronan it would be fine. “Well, you two have something in common then,” Gansey said quietly, so Ronan couldn’t hear him. “I’m calling Adam.” 

 

“Adam’s in class,” Ronan said. “Let’s just go, we can call a tow to get your car.” 

 

“I’m calling Adam,” Gansey repeated. “You two can go. I’ll wait here.” 

 

Ronan checked the sky at the dimming light. “You sure you want to stay here all alone? It’s going to be dark.” 

 

Gansey nodded. “Just go.” 

 

“Come on, K,” Ronan said quietly as he turned to get back into his car. “Gansey, I’m calling you again in an hour.” 

 

Gansey nodded a little. The wound and rift was still raw and real between them, it made the air thick and his chest hurt. But, Ronan still cared enough to call. “Thanks, Ronan.” 

 

Kavinsky didn’t say anything as he followed Ronan to the car and Gansey turned away to once again sit up against the wheel of the Pig. He waited until the sound of Ronan’s car grew too faint to hear before calling Adam. 

 

“Adam?” he asked, trying to keep himself composed, even if the walls were full of too many cracks. “I need your help.” 

 

* * *

 

_ At least you two have something in common. Piece of shit, Jersey trash. Asshole. Trash. Garbage. Dick. Jerk. Trash. Trash. Trash.  _

 

“K?” Ronan asked as they drove back, decidedly slower this time. 

 

Kavinsky kept his head against the window of Ronan’s car, his eyes on the trees passing them by. The highway was emptier than usual, but people were busy out partying, and eating late dinner, and seeing movies. The dark cloud was back and it was stronger than usual, rumbling in his head, and making him feel tired. 

 

“K, talk to me,” Ronan said, which wasn’t like him. They didn’t talk. They weren’t the kind of people to  _ talk _ to one another. “Ignore Gansey, alright? He’s just being a dick.” 

 

“Take me home, Lynch,” he replied darkly. “I need to get high.” 

 

Ronan didn’t say anything and Kavinsky didn’t say anything. 

 

They didn’t talk. 

 

* * *

 

The Pig started up after fighting Adam for almost forty minutes. Gansey was tired and wasn’t even sure how he was going to drive home now that the car was fixed. “He invited Kavinsky to Henrietta with us,” Gansey said quietly as he braced against the Pig’s side. 

 

Adam dropped the hood. “What?” 

 

“I said, Ronan invited Kavinsky to Henrietta with us. I don’t want him anywhere near Monmouth, Adam.” 

 

Adam wiped his hands off on his shirt. “You really hate Kavinsky that much, huh?” 

 

“I wouldn’t hate him so much if he didn’t feel this… need to ruin Ronan’s life,” Gansey said quietly. “But I hate standing by and watching Ronan throw his future down the drain. I know what’s going to happen. Kavinsky will get Ronan into things that will put him in jail or keep him out of class. He’ll flunk out or worse.” 

 

“And you know that for certain?” Adam prompted. Gansey looked at him and then Adam nodded. “Right. You’re right.” 

 

“I am… Ronan’s too close to the situation to realize it.” Gansey ran a hand over his hair, messing it up completely. “And he won’t listen to me anymore, he’s uncontrollable.” 

 

“I could tell Ronan that Kavinsky will make us all uncomfortable, especially Blue. Maybe he’ll listen if it’s not from you,” Adam offered. 

 

Gansey shook his head, too tired to think clearly anymore. “I need to get sleep. Thanks for helping.” 

 

Adam placed a hand on his shoulder. “If it’s any consolation, I think Ronan feels really torn about the whole situation… and I think you may have to let him fall for once. You can’t keep him safe forever, Gansey.” 

 

Gansey sighed.  _ I know _ , he thought. 

 

He didn’t have to say it out loud for Adam to understand. 


	11. Chapter 11

Henrietta was sleeping when they arrived into town. The parking lot for Monmouth Manufacturing was undisturbed from what Ronan could tell. Kavinsky was asleep in the seat next to him, his head cradled between the window and his shoulder. Gansey was parking the Suburban up ahead, since he’d had to leave the Pig behind just in case it decided to not make it halfway down. 

 

The sight of the building they’d called home for so long made his chest twist and feel too tight. He wondered if Gansey was feeling the same way. Noah was the first to climb out of the car and start to head for the front door, keys in hand, while Gansey helped Blue with her stuff. Ronan parked alongside Gansey’s ugly ass SUV, before getting out and slamming the door. The sound made Kavinsky jerk awake, which had been the plan. It made him smirk as he grabbed their bags from the trunk. 

 

“Fuck,” Kavinsky hissed as he slowly climbed out of the car, cracking his back and neck in the process. “Shit, I gotta fucking piss.” 

 

“Go piss in the bushes then,” Ronan said as he headed for the door, where Gansey was going himself, Blue on his heels. 

 

Ronan wanted to say something to Gansey, to repair the strain between them, but he kept his mouth tightly shut. If anyone should have said something, it should be Gansey. They headed up to the second floor, where the room was mostly the way they’d left it, just with less furniture. 

 

“This is where you lived?” Blue asked, making Gansey turn and smile. 

 

“Welcome to Monmouth Manufacturing. Home sweet home.” He dashed over to the one of the windows to open it, letting the cool air in. “You can sleep in Ronan’s old room or Noah’s,” Gansey offered. 

 

Ronan set the bags down and stretched up toward the tall ceilings. Gansey’s version of Henrietta sat quietly and undisturbed. He hadn’t taken it with him, because Ronan knew Gansey came back to Henrietta more than he admitted, which explained why the place wasn’t completely dusty and smelling terribly. It was still well taken care of, which meant Gansey traveled back often. How often he didn’t know. 

 

“It’s interesting,” Blue said. “I like it.” 

 

That made Gansey’s boyish smile come out. Ronan realized then that Gansey liked Blue. He wanted her to like him back, it was painfully obvious in that moment, but Ronan was certain Blue had no idea. He shook his head and went to go check on his room. He’d left a lot of the clutter behind, even the bed, and had instead bought new stuff for their new place. It was easier that way and now his room felt like his. 

 

“How can you sleep in here?” Kavinsky asked as he appeared in the doorway. “It’s full of… stuff.” 

 

“You don’t have stuff?” Ronan asked as he went to sit on the bed, that had been his for a few years. It was still comfortable. He thought on Kavinsky’s place and it struck him that Kavinsky didn’t have a lot of stuff; in the living room he had a couch, a chair, and the TV was on the wall. In his bedroom was a bed, a dresser, and that was it. The kitchen maybe had a few things, but other than that, the house was mostly empty. It was a huge house and it had nothing in it. 

 

“I don’t like stuff,” Kavinsky replied as he stretched out on the bed behind Ronan, kicking his shoes off. “Wake me up when Dick’s panties aren’t shoved far up his ass.” 

 

Ronan ran a hand over his shaved head. “You left the drugs at home, right?” Kavinsky rolled over as if to ignore him, so Ronan turned halfway around to look at him. “Right?” 

 

“Did you really think I’d leave them at home?” came the quiet question. “Fucking no.” 

 

Ronan glared at the back of Kavinsky’s head. “Don’t let Gansey catch you.” 

 

“I don’t bow to Dick Gansey’s rules,” was the mumbled, sleepy reply. 

 

Ronan sighed and stood up to leave Kavinsky to sleep. They had a week to try and be civil together, but the sinking feeling in Ronan’s gut told him they wouldn’t make it two days. 

 

* * *

 

 

Three days. 

 

“Ronan, get out,” Gansey had said. “And take him with you.” 

 

Ronan was gone. Kavinsky was gone. 

 

Blue wasn’t sure if she could make Gansey feel better, since he had barely moved from his spot in the large main room since the fight. It had gotten ugly. It came to her in splinters, now and again, as she thought on how they’d gone out. They’d gone out and when they’d gotten back, Kavinsky had been so high he’d wrecked Gansey’s copy of Henrietta, which had been Gansey’s breaking point. 

 

She’d watched him yell. She’d watched him tell Ronan he couldn’t support them. He called Kavinsky trash, a disappointment, and he’d told Ronan he was no better if he stayed with him. 

 

They were gone now. Back to Yale. Back to their lives. 

 

Gansey didn’t move from his spot at the window, as if he half expected Ronan to come back, and maybe he did. She couldn’t fault him for it. Adam was the only one he’d talk to and eventually they were packing up their stuff to go back. She never got her tour of Henrietta and she’d seen more of Gansey than she’d cared to see. 

 

Everything was a mess and October had never felt so cold. 

 


	12. Chapter 12

Kavinsky’s house was too empty and the ocean was too loud in Ronan Lynch’s opinion. He’d only been living there a week and he already missed the firehouse with Gansey, but he couldn’t go back there, not until Gansey could accept his life choices. The display on his phone was too bright in the dark, it made his eyes squint, but he could just make out the time. It was well past four in the morning. Kavinsky had barely moved all night, rolled over on his side, he was quietly breathing and sleeping heavily. Ronan had a feeling it had to do with the concoction of pills he’d taken before bed.

 

Sitting up, Ronan rubbed his short hair and then down along his face. The bathroom was too far away, but he had to piss and maybe a hot shower would make him tired. The bed shifted when he stood, but Ronan did his best to sneak around the room, until he ended up stepping on something sharp. His yelp of pain was enough for Kavinsky to sit up, rubbing his eyes a bit.

 

“Wha’happened?” he slurred through his sleep laden voice.

 

“Nothing, go back to bed,” Ronan hissed as he tried to see his foot in the weak light. There was nothing on the floor, but something had definitely stabbed him.

 

“It’s too fucking early, Lynch,” Kavinsky snarled as he started to lie back down.

 

“Can’t sleep,” Ronan replied as he rubbed the bottom of his foot.

 

“Take something,” came the tired reply.

 

“Like _what_?”

 

There was a pause before Kavinsky's arm shot out and he fumbled for a bottle of pills to hold outward without a word. Ronan frowned, but he walked over and took the bottle from him. They were a generic bottle but when Ronan popped the lid he saw there were several different pills inside. Some small and round, others oblong, some capsules, and others large enough to look as if they’d choke on the way down. None of them recognizable.

 

“Mind telling me what you’ve got in your pharmacy, Kavinsky?” Ronan asked as he picked out a white one that looked promising.

 

“Take the Xanax,” Kavinsky said, already starting to fall asleep. “Printed… on the side.”

 

It was too dark to see, so Ronan took the bottle into the bathroom to search for the Xanax as Kavinsky instructed. It was towards the bottom, a little white pill with XANAX printed on the side as promised. It was so small, but he had no idea how much the dosage was and he had a feeling Kavinsky didn’t either. He probably didn’t care either. A pill was a pill was a pill was a pill.

 

Taking a deep breath, Ronan held the pill in his palm, and stared at himself in the mirror. If he had another allergic or adverse reaction, Kavinsky was too drugged up to help him. Sleep, however, was too sweet a lover, so Ronan tossed the pill back, took a sip of water, and then went to crawl back into bed.

 

It was like hitting a light.

 

* * *

 

 

Ronan hadn’t shown up for class, which wasn’t a surprise, but he hadn’t shown up for class in almost a week. He’d missed an entire week of class, which appalled Gansey to the core, but he also hadn’t been able to get a hold of Ronan either. He wasn’t taking his calls.

 

“It’s not your business if he doesn’t go to class,” Adam reminded him as they sat together on the grass, enjoying the sunshine. It was chilly, but that was what hot chocolate and scarves were for. “It’s his choice, Gansey.”

 

“Ronan is better than this,” Gansey said. “He’s smarter than this… He’s smarter than how’s been acting. I can’t just stand by and watch him throw his life away.”

 

Adam sighed as he stirred his hot chocolate a bit. “I’m sorry, Gansey,” he said quietly. “He won’t talk to me either. He won’t talk to anyone. He’s isolated himself.”

 

“Which _isn’t_ good,” Gansey pointed out. “I’m worried for him, Adam. I’m worried he’s going to get hurt… either by Kavinsky or by something Kavinsky has him do. If he flunks out of Yale…”

 

They both paused to think over the idea of Ronan failing out and being asked to leave. It was a possibility that none of them had really considered possible, since Ronan had been excited to start college, to get away from Henrietta, and start his own path. But now, all possibilities seemed too real.

 

Gansey shook his head and stared at his phone. “I wish he’d at least answer.”

 

“I know,” Adam said, his hand reaching over to lay over Gansey’s arm. “I”m sorry.”

 

Gansey shook his head again and tried to ignore the phone and Ronan entirely. He knew it wasn’t going to work, but he tried regardless. “Tell me something knew, Adam, tell me something fun. What are you doing for Halloween?”

 

“Nothing,” Adam said.

 

“ _Nothing_? What? Why?”

 

“I probably will have homework.”

 

Gansey snorted. “Well, you’re going to have _something_ to do… Ronan and I were going to do a horror movie marathon, but Noah has agreed to join me, you’re welcome to come, too.”

 

“Will Blue be there?” Adam asked, which made Gansey jerk his head to look at him sharply.

 

“Blue?” he asked, trying to pretend that he wasn’t interested in why Adam was so keen on having her around. “I’m sure she’s busy…”

 

“We should invite her,” Adam said with a small smile. “I bet she likes Halloween.”

 

“Jane is probably _horrendous_ during movie marathons. You know how she can be, imagine the commentary-.”

 

Adam snorted. “And there wouldn’t be commentary coming out of Ronan the entire time?”

 

Gansey opened his mouth and then closed it again. “Good point,” he said quietly. “Fine… I’ll ask her, but she may have plans with her family.”

 

Adam shrugged as he finished off his hot chocolate. “All you can do is ask, Gansey. I have to go to class. Try to call Ronan again, maybe he’ll answer, all you can do is try.”

 

Gansey sighed so heavily, he deflated toward the ground. “Text me later, Adam.”

 

“I will.”

 

The one good thing about Adam was he _always_ texted when he said he would. Gansey floated his eyes back over to his phone, slowly unlocking it to formulate a text for Ronan.

 

 

  * __I know you’re mad and we’re fighting but what about Halloween? We were supposed to have a movie marathon. Please come, Ronan. Please? Call me.__



 

 

All he could do was try.

 

* * *

 

Ronan’s phone was buzzing.

 

Kavinsky rolled over from where he was lying on the couch to pick it up, while Ronan was showering. There was a text from Gansey.

 

 

  * __I know you’re mad and we’re fighting but what about Halloween? We were supposed to have a movie marathon. Please come, Ronan. Please? Call me.__



 

 

Kavinsky sneered at the phone and put in Ronan’s password - he was too easy to figure out - and simply deleted the text message. Ronan didn’t need to see Gansey _begging_ him to come back on Halloween. Besides, they were busy on Halloween. He was going to take Ronan to a _real_ Halloween party and they would cut loose away from Gansey’s disapproving eye.

 

A smile curling the corners of his mouth, Kavinsky set Ronan’s phone back down and sat up to light a cigarette. That would teach Gansey to try and take Ronan away from him again.

 

Ronan came down the stairs a few minutes later, towel around his shoulders and boxers slung low on his hips. It made Kavinsky stare.

 

“Eyes up here, Kavinsky,” Ronan joked as he walked into the living room to join him on the couch. “Your shower is God’s gift to mankind. The only thing I like about this overgrown art museum.”

 

Kavinsky rolled his eyes. “And here I thought the only thing you liked about it was me,” he said as he sat back against the couch to slouch and smoke. “Want one?”

 

Ronan stared at the cigarette he offered before slowly taking it. “Light it?”

 

They used Kavinsky’s to light Ronan’s and then sat together to smoke and enjoy the afternoon sun.

 

“This what you do all day?” Ronan asked then after they’d sat still and quiet for longer than ten minutes.

 

Kavinsky snorted and shrugged. “I usually go for drives or try to find someone to race or buy shit off of. I shoplift. You ever shoplifted, Catholic boy?”

 

“No,” Ronan said, unaffected by Kavinsky’s insult. “Why would I? I have a credit card.”

 

He laughed. Ronan was, at times, so damn innocent. “Why would you? Because it’s fun, first of all, and secondly, why pay for something cheap when you can just steal it? Save your credit cards for when you need them.”

 

Ronan shook his head and finished his cigarette, putting it in an ashtray with a bit of a cough. “Fuck,” he growled, coughing more. “You fucking smoke like a goddam chimney and I have no idea how.”

 

“Because I’ve been doing it since I was thirteen, dumbass,” Kavinsky replied with a laugh as he finished his cigarette, too. He set his in the ashtray, eyes on how their leftovers lingered together. There was probably some stupid metaphor in there somewhere.

 

“So, you drive around and shoplift? Your life is fucking boring, K,” Ronan said with a snort.

 

“I’m not usually this boring, but it’s hard to be fun when you have no connections up here. If I had the guys from Aglionby back, you’d _never_ be bored, Lynch. We always had a good time. Throwing parties wherever we went.” Kavinsky trailed off as he thought back on high school. It hadn’t been easy on him, but he’d never told Ronan that, and he never let anyone else know it either.

 

He’d never been good enough, hadn’t gotten into any colleges, had barely scraped through school to begin with, and he’d never developed any useful life skills. The only thing he knew how to do was find the best drugs no matter where he went. He could sniff out good cocaine like a goddamn drug sniffing dog, but his teachers had always made sure he’d known what a disappointment he had turned out to be. He had no hidden talents, except intimidation, which didn’t amount to much.

 

His entire life had amounted to nothing at all, which was why he had chosen to stay on the fast-track to killing himself. It was too easy to use a gun and if he took his own life, he wouldn’t be able to stay in Ronan’s. Oddly enough, seeing how Ronan reflected him was enough to keep him going. Ronan had always been the only thing he’d ever truly cared about, even if had never figured out why.

 

“I knew your parties were legendary,” Ronan was saying, “But I only ever went to one, I’ll admit. In high school, that is. I suppose I’ll be privy to them all now.”

 

Kavinsky grinned a little. “Yep.”

 

“What the hell do you shoplift, anyway?”

 

“Clothes. Zippos. Stupid shit.”

 

“You’re lucky you’re not fucking arrested by now…” Ronan sighed as he began to mull things over. Kavinsky didn’t press, but he was hoping Ronan would let him take him out to show him a good time. “Fine, I’m bored. Show me what you shoplift.”

 

His grin grew wider and louder. “I know a good place.”

 

* * *

 

The good place Kavinsky had mentioned was a shop in the city that reminded Ronan of an adult store without the sexually explicit content. There were shirts that would have made Declan and Gansey blush, keepsakes shaped like dicks, which Kavinsky had already pocketed a few of those. The whole store was dimly lit and the girls at the cash register were giggling over a magazine, paying them no mind at all.

 

Along the right wall were rows upon rows of t-shirts. The music would have driven Gansey insane but it made him smile and feel comfortable, while Kavinsky walked through the racks, lollipop stick in his mouth. Ronan had never felt a need to shoplift before, because he’d always had the money to pay for things, but he had to wonder if Kavinsky had not _always_ had money. The rumor was his father was a mobster legend, but that didn’t mean he’d grown up with money like Gansey and Ronan had.

 

Maybe shoplifting was an innate habit he couldn’t break now that he was loaded.

 

“You coming, Lynch?” K asked as he disappeared further into the store around the corner.

 

Ronan glanced at the cash register, where the girls were still looking at the magazine, and followed him back around the corner. He had yet to pick anything up, but he hadn’t brought anything to stuff small trinkets into. K had a hoodie on, so it was easier for him to hide things in his pockets or beneath the jacket. Ronan was walking around in a blank muscle shirt and tight black jeans. He hadn’t planned their excursion well enough.

 

“You get something yet?” Kavinsky asked as he picked up a pair of underwear that had SLUT written on the back. He snorted and tossed them back. “It’s easier if you’re a girl,” He commented lightly, as if they were just talking about the weather, and not stealing. “They carry bags and shit, but we have to make do.”

 

“You can just pay for it, K,” Ronan insisted as Kavinsky picked up a keychain and simply put it on his existing keyring. “That’s what that black bankcard is for, you know.”

 

“You’re missing the _point_ , Lynch. It’s the thrill of how much can you get out of here with… Take something, come on.”

 

Ronan took a deep breath and glanced all around, wanting to pick something small so they could leave. The longer they lingered, the more Ronan worried they’d get caught, and they really would be arrested. It was a punishable offense and he was certain Kavinsky had done it enough times to actually get jail time if they could prove he’d done it before.

 

“Lynch!” Kavinsky whispered, drawing his attention. K gestured until Ronan finally walked over to peer at what he was looking at with such a big grin. “Look, I found the thing you’re going to walk out of this place with and not pay for it.”

 

Ronan turned his eyes up to where Kavinsky was looking and he wanted to tell Kavinsky to suck his dick, but he kept his mouth shut because he knew, for once, K was being serious. On the shelf sat a puzzle box that could make different phrases and words. It could be turned and unscrambled different ways, but it looked complicated. It looked like something Ronan Lynch would want to take for himself.

 

Kavinsky was right.

 

The puzzle box fit easily into his hands and there was no sticker on it, as if it didn’t even belong there to begin with. He could feel Kavinsky’s smile on the back of his head, but Ronan just stared at the box for a moment, before sliding it into his back pocket without another look around or second thought. It was his, it was almost as if the box had had his name spelled on it. A surge of energy filled his limbs and then they were walking around and picking up more stuff, until they both had pockets full and they were hurrying out the door when another group came in.

 

The sunlight glared down on the sidewalk as they headed for Kavinsky’s car, which they’d parked a few blocks down behind a restaurant. Once they reached the car, the laughter poured out of both of them uncontrollably. Kavinsky laughed so hard, he had to brace himself against the car for a moment. Ronan watched and admired the moment. He’d made Joseph Kavinsky, hard ass dick, laugh so hard he had tears rolling down his face. It was a proud moment.

 

“You laying eggs or are we leaving?” Ronan asked, which made Kavinsky finally calm down enough to open the car door. “You’re right, you know.”

 

“About what?” Kavinsky asked as he wiped his face off on his jacket.

 

“That was fun… Gansey never would have let me do it, but I’m glad I did.” He slowly stepped into K’s space and pressed a kiss to his pulse, feeling how it rapidly beat against his skin. He smelled like smoke, shampoo, and sweat.

 

Kavinsky instinctively shoved him back but then leaned back in for another kiss on the lips. No one could see them in the parking lot, so it was safe for them to kiss for longer than a few seconds. The way K melted against him, made Ronan realize K probably, secretly of course, enjoyed affection, but on his terms and only his terms. Anyone else’s terms and K would shoot you if he got the chance.

 

“Let’s go, Lynch,” Kavinsky said as he pulled back suddenly, sliding into the car.

 

Ronan slowly pulled the puzzle box out of his back pocket as he joined Kavinsky in the car, staring at its smooth design. “I’m glad I took this,” he said suddenly as the realization struck him. “What else are we doing?”

 

Kavinsky took off out of the parking lot, the classic, smarmy grin returning. “We’re going to a _real_ party, not the bullshit ones Gansey takes you to. You’ll love it, Lynch.”

 

“Let’s go,” Ronan said as he clutched the puzzle box in his hands.

 

* * *

 

 

“Did he ever text you back?” Adam asked as they walked down the sidewalk together towards Blue’s house. 300 Fox Way’s phone line was busy and Blue didn’t have a cell, so they had no choice but to pop up uninvited. Gansey was hoping for a reading, anyway.

 

“No,” he said quietly as they walked, kicking dead leaves along the way. “Ignored me, I guess.”

 

“I’m sorry, Gansey.”

 

The leaves crunched beneath their shoes and the wind was a lot colder than it had been earlier, the sky turning completely gray with anticipated rain. It smelled like fall, with the scent of wet earth and dying things. It was Ronan’s favorite time of the year. Gansey felt incomplete without Ronan, it was like attempting to walk with only one leg. He couldn’t do it, not without needing help from someone else, he was just glad Adam and Noah were around to help.

 

“It’s fine,” Gansey said dismissively, quickly locking up his emotions with a firm twist of a key. Not even Adam could see everything about him.

 

300 Fox Way stood above their heads, two stories tall, with the third story being a small attic, and it was always full of life and people. There were no Halloween decorations on the front porch or lawn, but Gansey supposed he couldn’t blame the psychics for not advertising Halloween, even if he figured it would just bring them more business. The doorbell rang throughout the house, while he and Adam stood on the front porch, cold hands stuffed into pockets.

 

The door finally cracked open, but it wasn’t Blue who answered. It was Calla.

 

“Oh, it’s you two,” she said with a roll of her eyes. “BLUE!” she screamed back over her shoulder, making them both startle. “Which one of you is her boyfriend?”

 

“CALLA!” Blue yelled as she peered over Calla’s shoulder. “Shut up!”

 

Calla laughed and walked away, leaving Blue in the doorway with red cheeks. Gansey and Adam exchanged glances, but then Gansey managed to compose himself enough to say, “Hello, Jane, I was just wondering what you were doing for Halloween? I wasn’t sure if you were busy.”

 

“What’s going on on Halloween?” she asked. “Come in. It’s cold.” As if to demonstrate, Blue stepped aside and hugged herself, hiding in an overly large sweater.

 

With a thankful nod, Gansey stepped inside, followed by Adam. The house was a lot warmer than the outside. “Thank you,” Gansey said, blowing on his cold fingers. “So, we were going to have a horror film marathon… It was Ronan’s idea, but he isn’t around, so I thought I’d stop by and ask you to come.”

 

“Oh,” Blue said, glancing over at Adam, her cheeks flushed. “Well, okay… Is Ronan not coming?”

 

Gansey shook his head a little. “No.”

 

“Well, I’m not a Ronan substitute by any means, but I suppose I could shave my head and try,” she joked, but it fell flat, since they all knew Ronan was missed. “I should be able to come, I’d have to make sure I wasn’t needed her. We do tend to get more business around that time.”

 

“Makes sense,” Gansey said. “Well, we don’t want to get your way, so allow us to excuse ourselves, and I hope you have a great day, Jane.”

 

“That’s it?” Blue asked with a light laugh. “You could have called.”

 

“Line’s busy,” Adam said quietly, drawing their attention to him.

 

“Oh. Right. Duh.” She tapped her forehead with her palm. “Sorry.”

 

“It’s okay,” Gansey said quickly with a polite smile. “We should get going, homework, classes, all of that. But, Halloween, I’ll give you more details when we’re closer to the date. Okay?”

 

“Sure. And I’ll let you know if I can come,” Blue said as she stepped up to the door to open it for them. “Have a good day, I guess.”

 

“Thanks, Jane.” Gansey smiled again and then he and ADam were walking back out into the cold. The wind bit into their almost warm fingers, making the skin go raw. “Hate this weather,” he muttered to himself.

 

“Me, too,” Adam agreed as they hurried toward the dorms, where Adam couldn’t open the door fast enough. “You staying?”

 

Gansey could see Adam was surprised and part of him felt bad for leaving Noah at home by himself, but he couldn't go home so early, without Ronan again. The firehouse felt empty and lonely without Ronan, as if it were also missing a limb and couldn’t function correctly.

 

“If that’s okay?” Gansey asked quickly. “Is it okay?”

 

Adam nodded. “Yeah, sure… What about Noah?”

 

“We should probably invite him over,” Gansey pointed out as he pulled out his phone to text him. It wasn’t long before Noah texted back a simple:

 

 

  * __No thank you. I like the quiet.__



 

 

Gansey showed Adam his phone as they walked into Adam’s room, which made them both laugh. Noah was an interesting character. “Well, at least we know he’s not angry,” Gansey said.

 

Adam’s room was warm and they were quick to get out of their coats and shoes, to stand near the heater together.

 

“Imagine when it snows,” Adam whispered as his teeth chattered.

 

“Don’t say that,” Gansey whispered back, as if it were a sin.

 

They both laughed lightly, but Adam eventually had to return to his desk to start his homework, which left Gansey alone to sit on the bed and stare at his phone. He was tempted to text Ronan again, to see if he would answer. The next temptation was to lie and try to bait Ronan into answering, but that would make him just like Kavinsky, and he was _not_ Kavinsky. He wouldn’t lie and bait Ronan just to get his attention.

 

In the end, Gansey shoved his phone away and pulled out his laptop to start on emails. Ronan didn’t leave his mind however, and Gansey began to wonder if this was how Kavinsky felt. One track mind, forever and ever on Ronan Lynch. It was maddening.

 

 _I miss Ronan_ , Gansey thought, letting the thought echo all around his head. It made his eyes misty, but Gansey wiped them on the back of his sleeve, glad Adam wasn’t paying attention.

 

 _All you can do is try_ , Adam’s words said over and over.

 

He would call Ronan later.

 

* * *

 

 

The party Kavinsky took him to was out in the middle of the woods, which wasn’t what Ronan had been expecting. There was a big fire, a sound system had been hooked up to various vehicles to play some rap and hip hop through the speakers, and as soon as they climbed out of Kavinsky’s car, they were offered some pills, which K took and slid under his tongue as if they were candy. The girl who gave them to him laughed and smiled, and then she handed them to Ronan.

 

“Want some?” she asked with a smile.

 

“Maybe later,” Ronan said as he took them and followed Kavinsky into the party. His eyes immediately fell on people he recognized. Prokopenko, Jiang, Swan, and Skov. Kavinsky’s old gang were all there and Ronan watched them all greet each other with smiles and slaps on the back. He hadn’t seen K smile like that in a long time. He was happyp. It was genuine happiness he saw on K’s face.

 

“ _Ronan_ _Lynch_ ,” Skov said. “Well, I’ll be fucking damned. What are you doing here? Is Mommy with you too?”

 

They were referring to Gansey.

 

“He’s flying solo,” Kavinsky said with a grin, draping his arm around Prokopenko. “He’s one of us now, boys.”

 

Kavinsky’s group flashed smiles and exchanged whoops of laughter. Ronan watched as they welcome him in as eagerly as family, quickly pulling him over to where they’d formed a place to sit near the fire. Jiang pulled out a glass pipe, which made Kavinsky's eyes light up as if it were Christmas. Ronan didn’t have to ask to know what it was they were now starting to light and pass around. It was a crack pipe.

 

The pipe was passed from person to person until Prokopenko offered it to _him_. Ronan stared at it, unsure, the pills still in his hand. Kavinsky was clearly already high, his eyes blown out, and staring up at the sky, his arm around Proko’s waist.

 

“Go on,” Proko insisted with a smile. “It’s good stuff. We don’t buy it cheap.”

 

“Thought he was one of us, Kavinsky,” Jiang said, his eyes on Ronan unsure. Ronan didn’t blame them all for being mistrusting. They had never been friends in high school and now he was showing up with K at _their_ party.

 

“He is,” Kavinsky snapped angrily. “Right, Lynch?”

 

Ronan could only nod as he slowly took the pipe in hand. “I don’t know how to use it…”

 

“Oh,” Swan said as he stepped forward. “You light it, you draw it in, hold it, and then slowly let it out. Don’t take too much your first time or you’ll be on your ass. It’s good stuff.”

 

Ronan slowly put the pipe to his lips and Jiang lit it for him, before he could change his mind. Kavinsky watched with an amused smirk as Ronan slowly drew it in and held it as he was instructed. The rush to his brain made his eyes roll a bit before he couldn’t take it anymore and he had to let it out. When he opened his eyes again, they were all smiling at him as if he’d done something truly amazing.

 

“You’re a natural, Lynch,” Swan said with a grin.

 

“Let’s get fucked up!” Kavinsky yelled and they all joined him in the yelling and acting up. The music was turned up and more drugs were quick to be passed out. Kavinsky did them all, followed by drinking. Ronan eagerly took to the drinking. That was one vice he was used to.

 

“We racing, Kavinsky?” Swan asked as they all sat together, passing around the pipe again.

 

“ _Where_ , you idiot?” Jiang asked with a laugh. “There’s just fuckin’ trees everywhere.”

 

Kavinsky laughed as he took a longer hit than usual, sighing once it was clear he felt it again. “Fuck, that’s good shit. You got more? I’ll buy it.”

 

“That’s all I got left,” Jiang admitted, “So you’re lucky I’m wasting it on your ugly mug.”

 

Kavinsky flipped him the bird as they took more hits. Ronan watched all of them, taking hits too, but not as many or as often. They would have to camp out in the woods tonight at the rate they were going. It was all happening so fast and Ronan couldn’t say no.

 

He smoked crack. He drank. He tried one of the pills Kavinsky offered, placing it on his tongue with a grin. They shared a kiss after, which had made Kavinsky’s friends cackle. They were all too high to care if they were outed to one another. After the kiss, they’d pulled out more beer, which was followed by more crack. Ronan was now sitting still, watching them pass it back and forth, watching Kavinsky become more and more trashed until he could barely stay awake. The fire had died down hours ago. It was quiet, the music having been pulled, too. The party was basically over, but they were all still together.

 

 _Is this what K felt when he stayed with me and my friends? This strange emptiness? Loneliness? As if he didn’t belong_. Ronan knew he did not belong in Kavinsky’s group, not truly, but they were at least welcoming. They hadn’t shoved their nose up at him, just because he was Gansey’s friend. No, they’d been much more welcoming.

 

It was ironic, in Ronan’s opinion. He’d always considered Kavinsky’s friends to be assholes, too. Assholes who didn’t like anyone but Kavinsky and themselves, but that wasn’t the case. They liked each other, of course, but they were okay with him, too. They seemed to be okay with anyone who didn't rain on their parade. It was vastly different than how he’d seen it in high school.

 

“Are you guys staying?” Ronan asked as he felt the urge to yawn strike him. “Up here?”

 

They all nodded collectively, Kavinsky included, so Ronan had a feeling they were all too high to understand questions. He shut up afterward. Kavinsky was too tired to stay awake, so Ronan let him lie down with his head in his lap. The others were crashing too, and Ronan was starting to lean back against the tree he was against, eyes shutting heavily. His hands fell to Kavinsky’s hair to pet without thinking. The fire burned enough to keep them warm and sleep was quickly licking at their heels.

  
“Night, K,” Ronan managed to whisper, but Kavinsky was already asleep. Ronan shut his eyes and fell into sleep quickly.


	13. Chapter 13

It was fucking cold. 

 

The sky was too bright above his head, making him squint, and when he finally managed to sit up, he grunted at the stiffness of his muscles. They’d fallen asleep in the woods and the fire was long burned out. Ronan was asleep against the tree, slouched in what looked like an uncomfortable position. Kavinsky ran his hand along the back of his neck and realized Ronan had taken his jacket off and placed it over him at some point, so it wasn’t as cold as it could have been. 

 

“Lynch,” he hissed, shaking his shoulder a bit. For a moment, Kavinksy’s heart climbed in his throat as he thought maybe Ronan had caught hypothermia. “Lynch!” 

 

Ronan blinked slowly and glared at him or maybe he was grimacing in pain. “What?” he mumbled. 

 

Kavinsky glanced at the sky for a moment and took a relieved breath. “Jesus, I thought you were dead.” 

 

“Mm. I feel like I am.” 

 

“That’s because you got high as fuck last night,” Kavinsky replied as he tried to stand up, but his legs were too cold and stiff to move. The others were all in a sort of pile together, sleeping soundly. “My head hurts.” 

 

“That’s because  _ you _ got trashed,” Ronan replied as he took his jacket back to pull over his arms. “I have to stop being a gentleman.” 

 

Kavinsky snorted and finally managed to use the tree to pull himself upright. “Wake up fucktrucks!” he yelled loudly, making the entire group startle. “It’s time to get the fuck out of here before we freeze to death.” 

 

Prokopenko, Skov, Swan, and Jiang all cast him dirty looks, but eventually they all started to wake up and move around, gathering the stuff they’d left around. They usually left places trashed and this place would be no different, but Kavinsky didn’t want to leave any of whatever they had left in drugs behind. They’d need them later for Halloween. 

 

“I found a good place to get fireworks, Kavinsky,” Jiang was telling him as they picked up bags and jackets. “For your Halloween party if you wanted.” 

 

Kavinsky smiled a it as he continued to pop and crack bones and muscles that were still putting up a fight. The smile turned into a grimace when he twisted the wrong way. “Oh,  _ fuck _ ,” he hissed in pain. 

 

“Can’t believe you finally broke Lynch,” Swan said with a smile. Ronan was standing off to the side, also stretching and trying to wake up. “Never thought you’d get him out of Gansey’s clutches.” 

 

Kavinsky watched Ronan and saw that he did look terrible. Hollow eyed, too skinny, and face blank and drawn. “He just needed the proper motivation,” he replied quietly, his eyes still on Ronan. Swan grinned and clapped him on the shoulder in congratulations, but Kavinsky didn’t smile back.  

 

“Ready to go?” Ronan asked as he started to walk back toward where they parked the cars. 

 

“Yeah,” Kavinsky said. “Wait.” 

 

Ronan stopped and slowly turned around. “K, I’m tired, let’s go.” 

 

“What’s wrong with you?” Kavinsky asked. “You’re acting like an asshole.” 

 

“Because I barely remember last night, but I know I had finally managed to control my bad habits and here we are.” Ronan gestured around them tiredly. “I don’t know why I thought I was better than this.” 

 

Kavinsky's eyes narrowed. “You mean better than me.” 

 

Ronan just stared at him, his gaze unwavering. It made Kavinsky clench his hands into fists. “Let’s go, Kavinsky,” Ronan said heavily. 

 

“Fuck you, Lynch. You’re no better than me,” he growled, closing the distance between them. “You are  _ not _ better than me, you were  _ never _ better than me! Just because Gansey reached out his Messiah’s hand and touched your forehead, does not make you better than me. You  _ are  _ me.” His voice had lowered to a whisper coated in venom. Ronan stared back at him blankly, which only riled his anger. “You’re the same Ronan Lynch you were in high school and I’m still the same Kavinsky, we’re just legal now, with less supervision. We’re both trash, you may as well enjoy it.” 

 

There was still no reaction from Ronan. He only turned and kept walking towards the car. They continued on in silence, until Kavinsky reached the car and he shoved Ronan hard into the door, making him grunt and gasp as the wind was knocked out of him. Ronan took a moment to gather himself, turning around to finally show a look of anger. 

 

“There,” Kavinsky said with a slow smile. “ _ That’s _ the Lynch I know. Pissed off, hating me, wanting to kill me. Go ahead, Ronan.” Kavinsky reached down and grabbed Ronan’s hand, making him point a finger at his forehead. “Kill me.” 

 

“You’re fucking crazy, Kavinsky,” Ronan said, his voice unsure. 

 

“Bang,” Kavinsky hissed.

 

Ronan turned away and climbed into the car without another word. Kavinsky felt his hands clench into fists again, but he walked around to get into the driver’s side of the car, slamming the door, and blasting the rap music that would either fuel his anger or calm his nerves. He needed to do a few lines, he needed to go running, he needed to punch Ronan until he was left bloody and bruised. 

 

Ronan said nothing the whole way back to the house and he still said nothing when they arrived. The car went silent, leaving them in the quiet together while Ronan stared out the window and Kavinsky glared at the steering wheel. 

 

“You going crawling back to Gansey?” Kavinsky finally asked to fill the silence. “Back to your mom?” 

 

Ronan looked over at him for a moment before climbing out of the car, slamming the door shut behind him. He would rather have Ronan say yes than nothing at all. It was the silence that bothered Kavinsky most. It was usually easy to rile Ronan up into being angry, but the cold shoulder hurt more than he wanted to admit. Kavinsky slammed his hands on the steering wheel a few times in anger before turning the car back on and taking off away from the house. The tires squealed as he drove as fast as possible toward the highway. A drive would calm him down and maybe when he returned, Ronan would be ready to fight. 

 

* * *

 

Gansey was sitting in a coffee shop, his glasses on, his eyes focused on a laptop while his fingers went quickly along the keyboard. There was a cup of coffee sitting beside him that he would pause to sip out of now and again. There moments when Gansey would stop writing and pinch the bridge of his nose or adjust the smudges on his glasses. Ronan had never seen Gansey look so  _ Gansey _ in a while. 

 

Halloween was soon and he had not forgotten about their plans for a movie marathon. His chest ached the more he thought on it, the more he thought on how he missed the fire house, how he missed Gansey’s Gansey-ness. He missed Noah and Adam, too. Hell, he even missed going to class, but Ronan wasn’t sure Gansey would accept him now. After what he’d done. 

 

Steeling himself, Ronan began to cross the street, daring to enter the coffee shop and walk right on up to Gansey’s table and take a seat without another word. For a moment, Gansey didn’t even notice, probably assuming he was Adam, but then finally he looked beyond his computer screen and his face changed. It went from blank to shocked. They stared at one another, Gansey surprised and Ronan perfectly blank, for quite some time before Gansey dared to speak. 

 

“Ronan?” he asked, as if Ronan wasn’t real and he was only imagining him there. “What are you doing here?” 

 

“I happened to see you, so here I am.” Ronan shrugged, trying to pretend that this wasn’t killing him. “What? You didn’t miss me?” 

 

Gansey faltered. “I… I mean, I… Where’s Kavinsky?” 

 

“I don’t know. He took off in a fit this morning.” 

 

“Did you two fight?” 

 

Ronan nodded once, his eyes snapping to the window to stare outside. He half expected Kavinsky’s Mitsubishi to make an appearance for K to make a scene while he was sitting with Gansey at the coffee shop. But the street was quiet and there were no other cars passing by. 

 

“About what?” Gansey prompted, making Ronan turn to look at him again. 

 

“We just fought,” Ronan said with a shrug. “You know how he is, he throws fits like a child.” 

 

Gansey nodded in understanding. They were both thinking about the fair and how Ronan had taken a punch to the head for Gansey. “Well, I’m sorry you’re fighting, but I’m glad to see you.” 

 

“Yeah,” Ronan agreed quietly. “Still having your movie marathon on Halloween?” 

 

“Yes.” 

 

They both stared at one another again. Ronan wanted to ask to join, but he was too afraid to admit he wanted to come back. If he admitted he wanted to come back, then he was admitting that he and Kavinsky weren’t working out at all. If he admitted he wanted to come, he’d lost the game. Gansey would be right and he didn’t want Gansey to be right. More than anything, Ronan wanted to be right this time. 

 

But after last night, Ronan knew he wasn’t in the right. Not at all. 

 

“Blue’s coming,” Gansey said then. “To the marathon, that is. Going to be the best one I’ve thrown, I think. Noah and Adam are out getting snacks as we speak… and cheesy decor. It’ll be a good time. You’ll be missing out.” 

 

Ronan flinched a little and shrugged. “Yeah, well, K and I are going to a party, I think.”  _ I don’t want to go to the party _ , Ronan thought, hoping Gansey understood.  _ I want to go to the marathon with you _ . 

 

“Well, have fun,” Gansey said, his tone dismissive. “If you don’t mind, I have to get back to this paper. It’s due in an hour.” 

 

“Sure,” Ronan said. “See you around, Gansey.” 

 

“See you around, Lynch.” 

 

Ronan tried not to flinch again as he walked out of the coffee shop, his heart hurting more than he dared let on. Anger surged in his chest then. Anger at himself. Anger at Gansey. Anger at Kavinsky. He wanted to do something bad and there was only one person he knew who was always up for bad behavior, so he pulled out his phone to text him. 

 

 

  * __I know you’re pissed off, K, but I’m more pissed off. Let’s fuck something up.__



 

 

The reply was almost instantaneous. 

 

 

  * __Want to blow up a car?__



 

 

Ronan stared at the text and then smirked. 

 

 

  * __Tell me where.__



 

 

 

  * __The place we raced the first time. Meet me there and bring your rage.__



 

 

Ronan shoved his phone away and slid into the BMW. With one more glance at Gansey in the coffee shop, Ronan peeled out of the parking lot. 

 

* * *

 

 

“He talked to me, Adam,” Gansey was saying over the phone while Adam and Noah were standing in the party store, debating on how shitty the decorations should or should not be for the party. 

 

“Do you think we should get these?” Noah asked, holding up dangling, glow in the dark skeletons. “We could hang them on the doors.”

 

Adam gave Noah a thumbs up and turned his eyes over some other items they could place throughout Gansey’s place. “He talked to you where?”

 

“He found me at the coffee shop and sat down and we talked. I mean, it was awkward, and I could tell he wanted to say something he never got around to,” Gansey said, talking faster with excitement. “He misses us, Adam. He’s still Ronan and he misses us. He looked bad though, too skinny and like he needed to sleep more.” 

 

“Did you invite him back?” Adam asked, picking up a jar of fake jelly eyes, he placed it in the cart. Gansey had given him a credit card to use, which had made Adam extremely uncomfortable, but they also had had no other way to buy what Gansey wanted. 

 

“No,” Gansey admitted sadly. “I’m not sure he’s ready for that. I think he would still say no or he’d want me to apologize to Kavinsky and I am  _ not _ apologizing to that dick.” 

 

“Oh.” Noah was holding up another thing of the skeletons so Adam nodded. “I hope you know we’re putting a dent in your credit card.” The cart was already full, because he couldn’t say no to  Noah’s sad face. 

 

“That’s fine,” Gansey said quickly and Adam could already see him waving his hand a little. “So, do you think I should have invited him?” 

 

Ah, the source of the call. Gansey wanted reassurance that he’d done the right thing. Adam mulled it over for a moment. They all missed Ronan, they all missed his asshole behavior, his nasty smirks, his pranks, his need to be a jerk at all times. However, Gansey was probably right. Ronan wasn’t ready to come back, even though they all wanted him to. 

 

“No,” Adam finally admitted as they began to finally push the cart toward the register. “I think you’re right, I think he would have just demanded you apologize or laugh you off.” Gansey sighed sadly, so Adam continued on quickly, “But I do think this is a step in the right direction. I think Ronan misses us and I think he wants to come back, he’s just not ready yet.” 

 

“But he might be soon?” Gansey prompted. 

 

“Maybe.”

 

There was another sigh and Adam could hear Gansey talking to someone else in passing, before he continued on, sounding out of breath. “Well, I should get going. I just wanted to tell you and to check on the shopping trip. Don’t let Noah buy any candy, we already have candy.” 

 

“I know,” Adam said. “You going home now?” 

 

“I have to turn in this paper, but then I will be home. You coming by?” 

 

“Yeah,” Adam replied as they began to put the decorations on the conveyer belt to be checked out. “Is Blue coming?” 

 

“I think so.” 

 

“Good.” The idea of Blue coming made Adam’s heart thump a little faster. There was something about her that he liked, but he knew she would never want him. He was an imposter, trailer trash, who had no money. One day, though. One day he would have money. 

 

“See you soon,” Gansey said before hanging up. 

 

Adam hung up and handed Noah the credit card. He didn’t want to swipe it, but he knew Noah wouldn’t mind. Adam didn't look at the price, he just loaded up the cart with bags, and then Noah was paying, and they were on their way back to the firehouse. 

 

“Halloween is my favorite,” Noah said as they shut the trunk of Adam’s car. 

 

“I know,” Adam said with a smile. “Let’s go.” 

 

“It’s Ronan’s too… I miss him.” Noah sighed as he slid into the car. Adam couldn’t help but silently agree. 

 

* * *

 

 

The car in question was already on fire. Kavinsky was laughing like a maniacal idiot when Ronan pulled up beside him, slowly getting out of the car. “Jesus, K,” he said as he shut the door. 

 

Kavinsky’s friends weren’t too far off, tossing more items to light on fire in the car. It was an old model of Kavinsky’s current car, without the knife graphic along the side. WHerever they had found it, Ronan didn’t know, but they were clearly having a good time. 

 

“Lynch!” Kavinsky said with a wide smile. “Good, you’re here. Let’s blow this bitch up.” 

 

Ronan turned his eyes down to where K had been working on making a molotov cocktail. His eyebrows shot up, but somehow he wasn’t surprised that K knew how to make them without researching first. “You aren’t kidding.” 

 

“I never joke about blowing shit up, Lynch.” Kavinsky handed Ronan one so he could light it. “We already put a bunch in there, all you have to do is toss it and pray you have good aim.” 

 

Ronan stared at the bomb in his hand and glanced up slowly to see Kavinsky’s crew backing off quickly away back where Kavinsky had parked his car to duck behind it. The bomb felt like power in his hands and he took a deep, calming breath, before throwing it toward the car. Kavinsky tossed his and then they were running back toward Ronan’s car. The sound of the car blowing up made them both gasp and Kavinsky was still laughing his maniacal laugh. 

 

“Yeah!!” Ronan heard one of Kavinsky’s friends yell. “Fuck yeah!” 

 

The sound of his heartbeat filled his ears as they sat behind Ronan’s BMW, catching their breath. A piece of the car had landed near them and Ronan was suddenly glad they hadn’t been struck with shrapnel. Kavinsky stood up then and yelled something about anarchy, but Ronan ignored him. HiIs ears were ringing and the blood was rushing so quickly through his body that it left him tired. The air smelled of burnt rubber and gasoline, it made Ronan gag a little as he tried to recover from the sound. It made his ears ring and his head swim. He had to take a few breaths before he could stand up, too, and look to see what had happened. 

 

The car hadn’t completely blown up, but part of it was definitely missing, scattered throughout the field. Kavinsky was running over to his friends and they were all celebrating and sharing drinks or hits off of something. The cloud of smoke in the air choked him a little as he batted his hand in the air to clear his vision. The thrill of what they’d done finally filling his body with energy. He felt more alive than he’d felt in a long time, the fight with Kavinsky forgotten, and Gansey no longer on the mind. 

 

When he reached the group, he was offered a hit of what they had, so Ronan took it. It made him gasp. “The fuck is that?” he asked, feeling his heart jump a few times. They laughed. 

 

“Speed,” Prokopenko said with wildly blinking eyes. “Just bought it, it’s  _ great _ . K you want more?” 

 

“Yes,” Kavinsky said, eagerly taking another hit and then yelling with a laugh. “See Lynch, not bored, are you?” 

 

“No,” he admitted. “Whose car was it?” 

 

“Who cares?” Swan asked with a cackle. “Point is, it’s  _ gone _ .” 

 

Ronan didn’t want to know if they’d stolen it, but somehow he had a feeling they had. “Did you steal it?” he asked, despite not wanting to know the truth. No one answered him. The celebration continued on as they ran around, throwing more stuff in the car as it burned. 

 

Kavinsky approached Ronan after, slinging an arm over his shoulder. “Are we not more fun than Gansey?” 

 

Ronan watched the car burn, watched Kavinsky’s crew run around insanely, and he turned his eyes to Kavinsky’s cruel smile. He just nodded. 

 

“I knew it. Let’s go fuck in my car, I’m bored.” 

 

Ronan nodded again. Only Kavinsky could be bored after blowing up an entire car, but he followed him over to the Mitsubishi regardless. He didn’t question whether Kavinsky was suddenly accepting of his own sexuality or not. They fucked, Kavinsky called out  _ Ronan _ , and then Ronan stayed in the car while K went to go get high again. 

 

It was cold after. 


	14. Chapter 14

They were six movies into the marathon and Blue was already tired. Noah had fallen asleep and Adam was quick on Noah’s heels. She looked over at Gansey where he was sitting on the couch, bowl of popcorn in his lap, but he didn’t look happy either. None of them had looked happy the entire time the’d been together. She was starting to wonder if Ronan was the fun one in the group. 

 

“I have to pee,” she said suddenly, making Gansey startle. 

 

“Oh,” he said. “Sure, it’s just down that hall. On the right.” 

 

“Thanks.” Standing, Blue slowly followed Gansey’s directions to the bathroom to splash her face with water. They were all tired and tense, since this had been Ronan’s idea, and his bedroom was empty with the bed cold. He was probably at Kavinsky’s Halloween party getting trashed. 

 

He hadn’t been to class or the library in weeks, which she could tell upset Gansey, not to mention everyone else. He was throwing himself away and even Blue could no longer feel happy for him. No, she felt sad for Ronan instead, having fallen for someone who was only there to drag him down. She’d given Kavinsky a chance, but now that Ronan was skipping classes, she knew they were no good for one another. 

 

“Jane,” Gansey said, making her startle. She hadn’t shut the bathroom door. 

 

“What?” 

 

“I have to tell you something.” 

 

“What?” she asked again, confused. She watched his face shift and she wondered if he were about to admit to having a crush on her. She’d thought on it a few times, wondering what it would be like to date Gansey. 

 

“Adam likes you,” Gansey said then, making her heart sink a bit. “I’m pretty sure he does, that is. He asked if you were coming and I wasn’t sure why he’d ask… and then I just sort of put two and two together.” 

 

“Oh,” she said. 

 

Gansey took a step until they were too close. “But I wasn’t sure if you liked him back, so I didn’t say anything,” he was talking quietly now, as if they were at risk of being overheard, which she supposed they were. “Do you?” 

 

“Like Adam?”

 

“Yes.” 

 

They were standing so close she could smell his cologne and watch his chest go up and down. He smelled good, but it wasn’t just the scent of his cologne, but how he reminded her of books and the earth. “I… I don’t know. Adam’s nice.” 

 

“He is,” Gansey agreed, staring at her intensely. “He’s very nice.” 

 

She swallowed the lump in her throat and then they were reaching for one another. Their mouths found one another quickly and Blue’s hands tangled up in Gansey’s shirt, his hands going to brace the wall behind her. He tasted better than he smelled. The kiss was over before either of them wanted, but Gansey pulled back and turned away quickly. 

 

“I shouldn’t have done that,” he said quietly. “Adam likes you.” 

 

“But what if I like someone else,” she asked. 

 

“Who? Ronan?” 

 

Blue laughed a little because he sounded so serious. Maybe he couldn’t believe that she liked him. “You, stupid. I like you.” 

 

Gansey glanced back over his shoulder a little. “You do?” 

 

“Well, I didn’t exactly want you to stop-.” She cut off because he was back in her space and they were kissing again, slower this time, enjoying the taste of each other, the feel of how their bodies fit together. 

 

When they parted the second time, they were both out of breath and staring at one another intensely. She didn’t want to stop and neither did he, but there were people in the other room. One of those people being Adam. 

 

“We should stop,” Gansey said, but he didn’t sound sure. It was more of a question. 

 

“I guess we should.” 

 

He finally took a step back and put some space between them, fixing his shirt, which she had wrinkled horribly. “Jane…” 

 

“I won’t tell anyone,” she said quietly. “Unless you want me to.” 

 

“I want you to,” he said. “But let me tell Adam.” 

 

“Okay.” 

 

Gansey nodded, ran a hand over his hair, now blushing, before he went back to the living room. Once he was gone, Blue shut the bathroom door and slowly sank down to the floor, trying to not smile. But she couldn’t stop smiling. She had a feeling she wouldn’t stop smiling for days. 

 

* * *

 

 

“You don’t want to?” Kavinsky asked after he had been attempting to get Ronan aroused for fifteen minutes. Halloween was over, they were on the couch, still trashed and giggly, but Ronan’s mood had turned sour when he realized he’d missed the marathon. It was over by now, surely, and he hadn’t even received a text from Gansey one time. 

 

“No,” Ronan said after a moment, pushing Kavinsky’s hand away from him. “Sorry.” 

 

“Why not?” Kavinsky asked, his hand going right back into Ronan’s pants. “Come on, Lynch-.” 

 

“ _ No _ , K.” Using more force, Ronan shoved Kavinsky away, but that just pissed him off. They sat still, glaring at one another, both of them on edge. 

 

“Come on, Lynch, fuck me,” Kavinsky snarled, ready to spring, but Ronan did first. He jumped at K and slammed him down onto the couch, holding him still. “Yes, fuck me, you ass-.” 

 

Ronan held Kavinsky down and stared at him, breathing hard. They were both fucked up on whatever Kavinsky had kept shoving at him, and Ronan knew he wasn’t going to ever be hard enough to give K what he wanted. Not like that. Kavinsky kept telling him to fuck him, but he couldn’t, so Ronan slapped him. He slapped Kavinsky so hard he made his nose bleed. 

 

The sound cracked in the air and Ronan pulled back, still breathing hard. Kavinsky held his face for a moment before sitting up and laughing. “Hit me again, Lynch! Do it again. You know you want to.” 

 

Ronan did. 

 

He hit Kavinsky enough times to bruise his hands and to leave K with a huge black eye and bloody nose. Kavinsky laughed the entire time, but eventually Ronan had to stop. He stood up and walked away, heading for the front door. He ignored K calling him and went to stand outside in the dark under the moon. His hands were shaking. 

 

They were going so fast and Ronan didn’t know how to stop. He was surely failing his classes and Gansey no longer tried to contact him. It was going to be Thanksgiving soon and he always celebrated with Gansey’s family. Declan was not the kind of person to celebrate Thanksgiving and Matthew wouldn’t want to see him like this. Ronan didn’t  _ want _ Matthew to see him like this. 

 

“Lynch,” came Kavinsky’s voice from the doorway. “It’s fucking cold, let’s go.” 

 

It was cold. 

 

His entire body was shaking, but Ronan wasn’t sure if it was due to adrenaline, rage, or the cold. It could have been a combination of all three. Kavinsky called him again, but he didn’t move. 

 

“I’m going to lock your ass out here, Lynch.” 

 

He didn’t move. The door shut. The lock clicked. Ronan remembered how one time Delcan had locked him out of the car when he’d misbehaved as a kid. It had made him cry but his father had told him to suck it up. Ronan straightened his shoulders and looked back at the house. There was a rock in the driveway; it fit perfectly into his palm and Ronan had learned he had excellent aim. 

 

The window shattered and Kavinsky was back, opening the door, clearly pissed off. They stared at each other, daring the other to say something. 

 

“Now we can both be cold,” Ronan said darkly. Kavinsky had nothing to say to that. 

 

* * *

 

 

Adam was glad he lived in the dorms. He didn’t have to subject himself to seeing Gansey and Blue together if he stayed in the dorms. It had hurt when Gansey had told him about Blue, but it wasn’t his choice to make Blue like him. So, he sat in his room and did his homework, isolating himself. Halloween was over and Thanksgiving was fast approaching. 

 

Ronan was still missing from classes. If he didn’t come back soon, Yale would ask him to leave, and Adam had a feeling Gansey wouldn’t be able to save Ronan like he had at Aglionby. Adam picked up his phone to call Ronan, hoping he would answer him if not Gansey. 

 

“Yeah?” Ronan answered, making Adam startle a little. He hadn’t heard Ronan’s voice in too long. 

 

“Ronan, it’s Adam.” 

 

“I know, I have caller ID.” 

 

Adam sat back from his desk to stretch. “Where are you? We miss you, man.” 

 

There was a long pause before Ronan replied, “Can I come over? I don’t want to sleep here tonight.” 

 

Adam frowned but he was already verbally nodding. “Yes. Come over.” 

 

Ronan hung up and Adam didn’t question it. Instead, he stood up quickly to clean his room and make it appear tidier than usual. Ronan didn’t need to see how messy he’d become since Gansey and Blue were spending their time together. Part of Adam knew it was because Gansey missed Ronan, without him, Gansey didn’t know what do with himself. 

 

Ronan showed up twenty minutes later and when Adam answered the door he had to do a double-take. Ronan looked nothing like the Ronan he’d gone to school with and had become close friends. He was pale and skinny, his cheekbones too sharp, and his eyes sunken into his skull. He still wore all black, but his clothes were too big and he looked so damn tired. 

 

“Ronan,” he said, his eyes running over his friend’s image, “What the hell happened to you?” 

 

Ronan stepped into the room and went to sit on the bed. “Kavinsky,” he said, sounding tired and worn out. “We’re fighting.” 

 

Adam took Ronan’s bag and set it down on the desk. “What about?” 

 

“What  _ not _ about is a shorter list,” Ronan replied bitterly. “He’s up, he’s down, he’s a mess, Adam. I don’t know what to do.” 

 

It wasn’t like Ronan to admit he had no idea what to do, but he didn’t want to point that out, in case Ronan clammed up. No, instead, Adam walked over and sat by him to offer comfort. “Ronan, I’m sorry.” 

 

Ronan shook his head as he ran a hand over his face. “I don’t like me anymore, Adam,” he whispered. “I used to hate me and then I quit hating me… and now I hate me again. He’s made me hate myself.” 

 

“Can’t you leave him?” Adam asked. “Gansey would welcome you back, you know he would, or you could crash here if you wanted. I don’t care… But Ronan, you  _ have _ to get back to class, they’ll kick you out-.” 

 

“I know,” Ronan said, sounding miserable. “I’m a piece of shit, I know.” 

 

“Well, you can at least stay here tonight. Get some sleep. Get something to  _ eat _ , you look like you haven’t eaten in weeks.” 

 

“I don't know when I ate last,” Ronan admitted. “We don’t eat a lot. He… I’ve been doing drugs with him. They fuck you up.” 

 

Adam sucked his breath in between his teeth but he didn’t comment on the drugs. It was clear Ronan had been doing them, too, but he didn’t need  _ more _ guilt. Despite all of the things Ronan had been through, Adam still found him beautiful. He still loved Ronan the way he’d always loved him. 

 

“Ronan,” he whispered. 

 

“What?” Ronan asked, hanging his head. 

 

Adam reached over to turn Ronan’s head, leaning slowly over to kiss him. It was tender and feather-light, because he wasn’t sure if Ronan would let him go further. He could feel Ronan tensing, but after a moment, his body relaxed, and the kiss became deeper and more open. They kissed until they were both a bit breathless and Adam sat back, staring at Ronan in wonder. So  _ that _ was what it was like to kiss Ronan Lynch. 

 

“I’ve wanted to do that for a while,” Adam dared to admit, his voice barely a whisper. Ronan nodded. Adam didn’t know if it was agreement or acknowledgement. 

 

“Don’t tell Kavinsky,” Ronan said. 

 

“I won’t.” 

 

They sat in silence after before Ronan had had enough and he was lying back on the bed. His arms reached out and Adam crawled into them. They didn’t speak again. 

 

* * *

 

 

Ronan stayed away for so long that Kavinsky was starting to worry he wouldn’t come back. He sent goading texts, but received no reply. He sent dick pictures and those received no reply. He was being ignored. Kavinsky hated being ignored. 

 

 

  * __Lynch, come out with me. There’s this car I want. You’ll love it.__



 

For once, Kavinsky saw Ronan typing back. 

 

 

  * __Where?__



 

 

Kavinsky sent the address and he smiled to himself. Ronan would  _ love _ their next adventure. 


	15. Chapter 15

It was late when they met on a side street in the city. The street lights were out, which made it creepier in Ronan’s opinion when he pulled up to where Kavinsky was standing, smoking a cigarette. Ronan shut off the lights of his car, but left it running as he approached. 

 

“What’s going on?” Ronan asked in confusion. 

 

Kavinsky flicked his cigarette off to the side and gestured at the car they were standing in front of. “Nice, isn’t it?” he asked. 

 

It  _ was _ nice. It was a sleek, black Maserati GranTurismo, brand new if Ronan wasn’t mistaken. “What happened to the Mitsubishi?” he asked. 

 

“Still got it," Kavinsky replied. 

 

“Where’d this come from?” 

 

It took Ronan a minute to realize Kavinsky’s smile was because it was stolen. The car was stolen and Kavinsky had taken it for himself. 

 

“Jesus Christ, Kavinsky!” 

 

Kavinsky grinned. “Go park your car, we’ll come pick it up later. Let’s race this bitch.” 

 

“You want to race a stolen car?” Ronan asked. “K, that’s insane. You’re going to get arrested-.” 

 

“You want to race it or not, Ronan? It’ll be fun.” Kavinsky grinned and dangled the keys. “Admit it, you want to drive it.” 

 

Ronan turned his eyes to the keys and then to the car sitting on the street. It had to be fast. Faster than the car he had now. The anticipation to drive it filled him and Ronan turned to climb back into the BMW to park it on the side of the street. He was back and taking the keys from Kavinsky before he could think twice. 

 

“And he’s back,” Kavinsky said with a laugh as they climbed inside. 

 

Ronan practically moaned when he turned the car on. It turned over so easily and the engine purred quietly for them. There was power in it when he revved the engine and it made Ronan feel tingly all over. The leather interior even smelled new and there was a fancy touch screen on the console with a subscription to satellite radio active. 

 

Kavinsky cranked it and they both laughed in delight as the car took off down the street. They drove out of the city out toward the country, away from people, replacing their surroundings with trees and the occasional farmhouse. Kavinsky directed Ronan to a stretch of road that they’d never raced on before, and as soon as they pulled up to where Ronan’s friends were waiting, he could see why. 

 

Up ahead was a sharp curve that looked too dangerous to take at high speeds. They would never make that turn without crashing, but Ronan pulled up to Prokopenko’s car anyway. Kavinsky leapt out of the car and went to greet his friends. Ronan followed slowly. 

 

“K,” he said, as Kavinsky accepted a beer. “You can’t race here.” 

 

“Why the fuck not?” Kavinsky asked. “You ain’t my mom, Lynch.” 

 

“Look at the road, K, it’s too sharp.” Ronan gestured at the stretch they were parked on. “No one can make that turn.” 

 

Kavinsky snorted. “That’s okay, Lynch, I’m only racing the winner. So, you gonna go win and race me or not?” 

 

Ronan turned his eyes on the road again and felt Kavinsky’s words grate under his skin. Kavinsky knew he wouldn’t say no at a chance to race him, to prove that he was better, and he was dying to climb back into that car again. It was perfect for racing. It would toast  _ all _ of Kavinsky’s friends easily. He could have beat them in his sleep. 

 

Ronan took Kavinsky’s beer, took a swig, and passed it back. “Fine,” he said. “I’ll be the one at the finish line, Kavinsky, kicking your ass.” 

 

Kavinsky laughed and then Prokopenko was in his car, pulling it up to the starting line. Ronan followed suit. If he was careful, he could slow around the curve and still pull out in front of Prokopenko without a problem. Shaking himself, Ronan took a deep breath and slowly settled into the car, turning it back on. The car roared to life and Prokopenko’s did too. They sat side by side, ready to take off into the dark. 

 

Ronan’s heartbeat sped up and his fingers drummed along the steering wheel. He didn’t know this car as well as his BMW, but he knew he could still win. He had to win. He had to show K he could fucking win and then turn around and kick K’s ass, too. Kavinsky would never be as good a racer as him. Never. 

 

The flag was brought down. 

 

Ronan took another deep breath and they both took off. The Maserati flew ahead of Prokopenko’s car easily, but Ronan was still testing the waters, still trying to learn the car’s heartbeat. Due to Ronan’s hesitation, Prokopenko caught up with him and surpassed him. They were reaching the curve quickly. 

 

Ronan told himself to slow down, but Prokopenko was going faster and was going to win if he didn’t speed up. The curve was there and Ronan turned the wheel. Prokopenko attempted to turn his car but it was too sharp, the car hit the guardrail and Ronan watched in shock as the car flipped. It flew up and over, crashing back down on the road, right in front of him. 

 

He tried to stop. 

 

Ronan slammed the brakes so hard, the car resisted and tried to fishtail away from him. 

 

The car didn’t stop in time. The sound of metal crashing into metal was like a shock to his heart. 

 

* * *

 

 

It took the others a moment to process what had happened, despite it being over in seconds. Kavinsky stared in horror at the wreck on road, his smile quickly fading to shock. Prokopenko’s car, upside down, smashed in on the driver’s side, with Ronan’s embedded in it. 

 

Someone was calling 911. 

 

Kavinsky couldn’t breathe. 

 

The others were running towards the wreck, but he couldn’t make his legs move. 

 

He’d told Ronan to race. He’d done it, even though it was dangerous. He knew Ronan would have won and then they could have raced, but he’d always pictured Ronan as invincible. Nothing could touch Ronan Lynch. Nothing bad would ever happen to Ronan, but something bad had happened. 

 

_ He  _ had happened to Ronan Lynch and now he was probably dead. 

 

The ambulance took too long to get there, but when they did arrive Kavinsky collapsed on the ground to watch from a distance, still in shock. Breathing was difficult and his body felt so cold. Swan was screaming when they managed to get Ronan out of the car. They closed the road down so no one else could come onto it. Ronan was being put on a gurney and taken away. 

 

Prokopenko was still in the car. 

 

Skov and Jiang sobbed when they finally did manage to get Prokopenko out. He was dead. Kavinsky could tell from where he sat that he was dead. He’d watched Ronan’s car plough into the smaller one and he knew. He had known it then and now it was visually confirmed. He was dead and there was no bringing him back. 

 

Kavinsky felt his stomach twist. He needed to get to the hospital. His hands were shaking when he pulled out his phone to dial Gansey. He’d stolen the number from Ronan ages ago. 

 

“Gansey,” came the tired answer. “Who is this?” 

 

“It’s Kavinsky,” he said, trying to keep calm. 

 

“What do _you_  want?” 

 

“It’s Ronan,” he whispered. “I need you to pick me up. They closed the road, but I’ll wait by it. He’s in the hospital. I need you to get there- to him-.” 

 

“Slow down, Kavinsky,” Gansey said and it was only then Kavinsky realized he was crying and he was talking too fast. “What’s going on? What happened to Ronan?” 

 

“It’s my fault,” he said, losing all the fight and hurt in his voice. His body slumped toward the ground. He wanted to die. 

 

“Kavinsky?” 

 

The phone died. 


	16. Chapter 16

Gansey and Blue were on the couch, watching TV together when Ronan walked in, tired from the long day. He’d spent most of it in the library, catching up on school work. He’d written so many emails that it was embarrassing, but most of his professors had been nice enough to understand. His body was still sore from the accident, even though it had happened well over a month ago. He still had nightmares about it, he still remembered waking up in the hospital, sore and tired, but he had walked away from the crash with barely any serious injuries. 

 

The airbags had saved him. Prokopenko had not been so lucky. 

 

Ronan had nightmares every night about killing him. He saw Prokopenko’s face in his dreams every single night. He saw Kavinsky there, too, but he hadn’t see K in real life since that night. He’d been missing ever since, but Ronan hadn’t pressed the issue. He had needed to focus on school work and trying not to flunk out of school. 

 

“Hey,” Gansey said when Ronan entered. Christmas break was soon and the semester was drawing to a close. They were all stressed. “You okay?” 

 

“I need to sleep,” Ronan said, but he was sitting on the other couch instead. “But I can’t.” 

 

Gansey flinched. He knew Ronan hadn’t been sleeping well, not that he ever did, but now it was worse. “Has Kavinsky called you?” 

 

Ronan shook his head. “No.” 

 

“I’m sorry, Ronan.” 

 

He could tell Gansey actually meant it, which was nice of him. “I just want him to be okay,” Ronan admitted quietly before getting up to go to his room without another word. Gansey and Blue resumed talking quietly, but Gansey did turn the TV down so he wouldn’t hear it as well through the walls. 

 

Ronan went to his room to lie down and stare at the ceiling for a few hours. He had another class later, but he had a feeling he would sleep through it on accident. His phone remained silent and without a text or voicemail. He’d called Kavinsky several times, but hadn’t heard back. He hadn’t even seen Kavinsky at Prokopenko’s funeral. 

 

It was unlike Kavinsky to disappear for so long and Ronan hoped he was alright. 

 

_ I killed Prokopenko _ , Ronan thought.  _ I killed him. I hit his car and he’s dead. His parents had to bury their son because of what I did. I killed him.  _

 

Ronan shut his eyes and pressed the heels of his hands to them. Prokopenko was dead because of him. He’d done that. It was his fault. Tears burned behind Ronan’s eyelids and he tried to banish them, but since he was alone his room, with his thoughts and nightmares, he couldn’t keep them from falling down his cheeks. 

 

A boy was dead because he had to race on a road that had been obviously dangerous. He’d wanted to prove to K he could be the best. 

 

_ I killed him. I did it. I did it. I did it.  _

 

Ronan sat up and took a breath. “I did it,” he said out loud to his empty room. “I killed him.” 

 

Saying it out loud made it more real and Ronan felt his stomach twist. He was going to vomit. 

 

* * *

 

 

Adam woke up to someone pounding on his door, which made him startle enough to sit up from his desk, where’d passed out on top of his homework. The pounding came again, making him grumble and slowly rise. When he opened the door, he was surprised to see Ronan. Adam checked the time on his watch. 

 

“Aren’t you supposed to be in class?” he asked. 

 

Ronan nodded, but Adam saw his eyes were rimmed red, so he stepped aside to let him in. “Thanks, Parrish,” he whispered, going to sit on the bed. 

 

Adam followed after shutting the door. “Ronan?” 

 

“Kiss me again, Adam,” he said. “Kiss me again.” 

 

Adam slid down onto the bed and they kissed. They pressed into one another and Adam helped Ronan take his jacket off, his hands running over Ronan’s too skinny body. He was still recovering from living Kavinsky’s life with him, but Adam didn’t care. Ronan was still beautiful. 

 

“What about him?” Adam asked after they paused to take a breath. “Do you love him?”

 

Ronan’s face turned red. “Yes,” he admitted quietly. “But I can’t be with him, Adam. We killed someone. He and I killed someone. Kiss me.” 

 

Adam kissed Ronan again and they fell back on the bed together, pulling at clothes and learning each other’s bodies. Adam knew Ronan wanted to forget Kavinsky and he could easily wake up tomorrow and walk right back to him, but Adam was happy to oblige him tonight. More than anything, Adam wanted Ronan to feel safe and cared for. He wanted Ronan to feel loved. 

 

* * *

 

 

The house was too quiet without Ronan. It was big and empty and it matched the hole in his heart. Kavinsky had stayed indoors, getting fucked up, after going to Prokopenko’s funeral. He’d stayed away from the group and had approached once it had cleared out. It was the only time he’d ever said the words  _ I’m sorry _ out loud and had meant it. 

 

Life was a fucking nightmare. 

 

His entire life was a goddamn mess and he didn’t know what to do about it. Part of his mind told him to check himself into rehab and to get the help he needed, but the louder park told him to take enough drugs to end it. Kavinsky was teetering on the edge, feeling tired and sick. He wanted to see Ronan. 

 

 

  * __Kavinsky, text me back. Tell me to fuck off. At least I’ll know if you’re breathing.__



 

 

It was as if Ronan had read his mind. Kavinsky held his phone in shaking hands and texted back. 

 

 

  * __I’m alive but I wish I wasn’t, Lynch. I wish it had been me. Then you wouldn’t have to put up with me any-fucking-more.__



 

 

 

  * __K that’s not funny.__



 

 

 

  * __I’m tired Ronan. I don’t know what to do and I’m tired.__



 

 

 

  * __I’m tired too. Let’s go talk, K.__



 

 

Kavinsky’s hand hovered over the keyboard, debating on saying yes or no. He didn’t want to talk but he knew they had to. They had to talk it all out. He had to say  _ something _ to Ronan about what happened. 

 

 

  * __Where we first raced?__



 

 

 

  * __Okay.__



 

 

Kavinsky nodded. Okay. 

 

* * *

 

 

“Do you think Ronan will be okay?” Blue asked as she walked with Gansey toward the library. She had to work soon and he had a mid-term to take. 

 

“I think so,” Gansey said firmly. “I do.” 

 

She reached over to take his hand in comfort. They were all a mess after what had happened. “Are we going to be okay?” 

 

He looked over at her in confusion. “Why wouldn’t we be?” 

 

“Part of me… Thinks we’re only together because you were lost without Ronan, so after Christmas break…” 

 

“We will be together,” Gansey said sternly. She blushed a little. “If you want.” 

 

“I do,” She said quickly. “Surprisingly enough, I do. You’re not as annoying as I once thought you were, Gansey.” 

 

That made him blush and smile a bit. “Yeah, well, you’re not as awful as I once thought, Jane.” 

 

They walked to the library afterward in silence, but Blue felt better, and she knew he did too. Now, they just had to wait and see if Ronan did. 

 

“See you tonight?” Gansey asked, leaning over to kiss her cheek. 

 

“Yeah. See you tonight.” 

 

Gansey flashed his perfect Gansey smile and she felt a little better. 

 

* * *

 

 

Kavinsky was already there when Ronan pulled up, sitting on top of the hood of his white Mitsubishi. They stared at each other for a moment, before Ronan climbed out of the car, slowly shutting the door. It was quiet, not even the sounds of the birds to distract them from one another. 

 

Ronan’s chest tightened when he saw Kavinsky. It had been so long since they’d been near one another, it was painful to see him now. Everything between them had happened so fast, like a match to gasoline, and it hurt. It hurt so damn much. 

 

“Kavinsky,” Ronan said as he came to stand nearby, hands in his pockets. It was cold. 

 

Kavinsky looked him over. “You look better.” 

 

“You don’t.” 

 

Kavinsky grimaced. “I know. I feel like shit.” 

 

“K-.” 

 

“Let me talk, Lynch,” he snapped then, making Ronan go quiet. “I can’t stop hearing what happened… The accident. It plays over and over in my head, Lynch. I see it happen, I watch… I watch them pull you out of that wreck and then I sit there and I wait.” Kavinsky’s eyes were squeezed shut as if he could still see it in front of him, playing out vividly. “Then they’re pulling out Prokopenko and… I can’t  _ do _ anything about it. I can’t stop seeing his coffin go into the ground, I can’t stop seeing you in the hospital bed.” 

 

He cut off to cover his face with both of his hands, trying to stop shaking. “I did all of it, Ronan… It’s my fucking fault. We’re both so fucked up, Ronan… We have a body count now, and it’s my fault… It’s my… my fault…” Kavinsky trailed off to gather his composure. 

 

Ronan glanced down at the ground to give him privacy. “I regret getting in the car, K,” he said. “I never should have agreed to it, I should have said no.” 

 

“If you had said no, it would have been  _ me _ hitting Prokopenko’s car. Either way, he would be dead.” Kavinsky pulled his hands away and wiped his nose. “And the worst part is, Ronan, I can’t stop wanting you.” 

 

Ronan’s heart jerked in his chest. “What?” 

 

“We’re so  _ bad _ for one another, Ronan, but I don’t want to not be with you. I don’t want you to disappear out of my life, because you’re the  _ only _ goddamn thing I care about in this world. I can’t do it without you.” 

 

Ronan flinched as he thought back to Adam and how they’d had sex. He stared at the ground, still, and said, “I had sex with Adam.” 

 

He didn’t have to look at Kavinsky to know that was like a smack to the face. “You had sex with Parrish?” 

 

“Yes,” Ronan said, finally looking up at him. “I’m sorry.” 

 

Kavinsky swallowed and wiped his eyes angrily. “Oh.” 

 

“I’m sorry, K, I shouldn’t have. I was just… I was lonely and you weren’t around and I screwed up. We’re both so fucked up.” 

 

“Yeah.” 

 

They existed in silence for a bit, both debating on what to say, but Kavinsky continued before he could, “Ronan, don’t go.” 

 

“I’m not going anywhere, K-.” 

 

“You  _ know _ what I mean, don’t leave me for Parrish. I’ll get better. You said it yourself, we’re both too fucked up. You can’t  _ be _ with someone normal. Right?” Kavinsky stared at him then, with something like hope in his eyes. He wanted validation that he wasn’t the only one screwed up by their relationship, and that Ronan really was too damaged to stay with other people. 

 

Ronan took a deep breath and slowly let it out. “K…” 

 

“Ronan, please-.” 

 

Ronan looked up to see Kavinsky staring at him with tears in his eyes. “I’m not leaving you for Adam, but that’s because I know I can’t be good for him. But we’re not good for one another, K. We’re not. Like you said, we’ve got a body count between us… We killed your friend together. We both had a hand in it.” 

 

Kavinsky flinched and looked away, fishing out a cigarette, his hands were visibly shaking. “I’m trying to quit,” he said. “I’m trying to quit this and all the other shit. I know I have to.” 

 

“Yeah,” Ronan agreed. 

 

“I will,” Kavinsky said sternly. “Just, don’t leave me for Parrish.” 

 

Ronan shifted around on his feet. “We have to stop hating each other, K, we have to let our differences and shit go. Life is too fucking short for that and  _ you _ have to get help. I can’t do it if you don't get help first.” 

 

Kavinsky took in a long drag on his cigarette and held out his free hand. “See you in the streets?”

  
Ronan nodded. “See you in the streets.” 


End file.
